Saturday, February 27, 2010



Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend, where ever they are in our small globe. There is one subject I never brought up yet, and I think now is a good time to do it. That subject is the religious issue and it's influence on homosexual people. Its not even a matter of going into different religions, because basically I think all religions have a "issue" with gays in a matter of saying.

I can say about myself that I'm not really the religious type,I accept each one's beliefs, but religion has never been a big deal for me. I never had thoughts or questions of whether god will love me or not, On my part I was always much more worried from what people I love would say rather then the man upstairs.

I know that a lot of religious men who are gay feel a big burden and feel sometimes that they are living in sin and either god hates them or they will not get to go to heaven. I never thought of myself as someone who can preach or explain too many things that have to do with religious issues.

Though one thing I strongly feel is that the biggest problem isn't the bible or what "would god think", but is the way people in high religious positions interpret the bible and interpret that same issue.

I believe that a lot of followers do not really care who is gay and who isn't, until they hear in Sunday mass or bible studies or what ever gods they believe in, that god considers gays as freaks or mentally ill or sinners, then they start caring.

When they are told that gays need to be reformed or are ill and sinners then they go around pass fliers, demonstrate, petition and talk about what will happen to us gays "not following god's way.

I even stumbled across some of those some years back, I just looked and felt bad for those who just try to spread hate or just try to influence others and tell them what is wrong and what is right.

In that same time I felt great for some of the gays that those people tried to preach to, because they felt so good with themselves and so peaceful that they just made a joke out of it.

I can speak for myself and say that I never was asked by anyone if I want to be gay or not. And since I didn't wake up one morning and decided I like guys I truly believe that I'm not harming anyone by what I decide to do in my bedroom ( nowadays not much, but in the general sense :) )

I'm also not a big history buff, but I do know that in ancient Greece being in a gay relationship or having gay sex was something normal and common, having gay relations wasn't really a social issue or something that could jeopardize anyone in the community .

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that even though there are some churches and some religious groups that are gay friendly and accepting of people in general and even though we hear more and more about gay priests in the churches, being gay is something that is condoned by the people themselves and less by gods words: "The bible".

Whether it's the old testament , the new one, the Koran or what ever someone might believe in, isn't the reason for the religious hate of gays, but people who preach and teach and tell the people listening that god will hate the gays and god will punish them.

I might be right and I might be wrong, but this is how I choose to see it and what I believe in. As I mentioned before, for me it's much harder to deal with the people in my life and the people I love accepting me being gay, then "god's beliefs" or the way people portray his beliefs, I don't wish to disrespect anyone's beliefs, I'm just telling you mine.

It's been a long post, but I will finish with a song, it has some of the words I wrote about, but in a different meaning, I'm sure you all know it,

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight,
I'm Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

I was happy to read that it talks about the beginning of a relationship between two people, and that the one that is interested in the other is wondering if he or she feels the same, guess it tells all of our story's.

Anyway, enjoy the rest of the weekend and good luck to the USA hockey team tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My Friends And I

Hey Again

It took me a little time to think about my post today, but eventually I found what I was looking for :)

In a couple of my posts I talked about telling my parents and brother and meeting a couple of guys, but never really said too much about my friends and if any of them know. Well It's as good as time as any.

Of course my parents were the first to know, besides of course any trips or vacations that I took, but the guys there didn't know my story. After telling my parents and sister I decided to tell one of my best friends.

He is someone that I have known for a long time and we always got along great, he never seemed to be to much on stereotypes and always seemed pretty easy going in a sense that I was sure he wouldn't care too much.

Glad to say I was right, we met for lunch and I decided that it would be the best time to tell him, he heard what I had to say and he made little or no issue out of it, I'm sure that he didn't have a clue before, but he didn't seem to care, for him I was the same friend and same guy I was before.

Even though we don't live in the same place, I feel free to tell him anything that I feel, about any guys I met or any thoughts I'm having, since it's not really issues that I want or think I should share with my family, he is the one I have to tell, hear and think out loud with.

I have another friend, a good one, that knows I'm gay, he is a different story though, he is a guy I met in my younger days while I was still going online once in a while to those dating sites. Nothing romantic came out if it, guess we are different types, but we kept in touch, at least once in a while for sometime, something I'm not really used to.

After a couple of months we met for lunch and we hit it off in a friendly kind of way, I felt he was a genuine good guy, someone I could trust. slowly I opened up more and felt free to also share with him my thoughts, my story and what ever I have on my mind. Not like me, he goes out,goes on dates and just lives his life, so I can at least hear from him how the gay life is, better something than almost nothing.

I'm happy to say that those friends really follow my career and never forget to let me know when they hear good news or when they think I need cheering up. It's nice to have someone that knows all aspects of my life and I can be sure that he will keep it to himself since he has only my interests at heart.

There are a couple of guys that I tried dating, like I wrote in one of my posts, I guess they also know about me, but I haven't met them in a long time, and I have moved on to different venues and different places, but I believe in the goodness of people. I at least believe that they are keeping the news to themselves since I believe they have more important things to deal with.

I guess I can say that there are about five people (my family and two friends) that I keep in touch with and really know me, as for the rest, I can only imagine.

Not to finish without a song, this one is a favorite of many people I'm sure, so it doesn't make me special, it doesn't have anything to do with been gay, but it can symbolize the basketball season and the adventures that every season and every place brings:

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Choosing Sides and Favorite Song


I will start with the question that J-Craze asked me, first of all I answered it all most to the fullest in the post I wrote about the rugby player but I don't mind saying it again. I was asked on what side of the fence do I sit on the matter of coming out and helping younger kids who are looking for role models or do I think that each one needs to basically live is own life.

The answer for me is a given, I sit on the side that decides to live his life in private and not come out. The comment said that he wishes more people from sports and from Hollywood would come out and help those in need of a role model. I can say that you can't really compare, been gay in Hollywood is something that is much more acceptable and in sports, again, can't tell you to what degree, but the fact is that your hear of much more gay actors or gay directors or things of the sort than pro athletes.

As for sports, it's a totally different world, I wish it wasn't but like I say all the time : sports is something that is almost off limits, of course you hear about athletes in individual competition that come out, but team game is a whole different story. You have to know and believe me when I say that I wish I could have things different and not see a big chunk of my life, or at least one aspect of it go by. Not having a BF or almost any social gay life what so ever year in and year out.

Just that like others who are gay and are pro athlete (or I can say just like many others who are queer and here, just joking) we want to have the best career possible without having to deal with other issues that just can put the spot light on us, but not for what we do or how we play but for who we are, and that might take everything we worked for away.

In same cases it can bring to bad reactions from crowds, management, players or just people in general, no one wants to risk his contracts which are the financial security he has. Again this is only my opinion, there might be some who choose differently, and also not everyone that is gay and lives his life in the public eye needs to go around and tell. Sometimes we say we want to be accepted and to be treated the same as everyone else, so maybe it's up to us just to go on our business just like all the rest, again, that's just something I'm throwing out in to the air and not taking on as my position on the subject.

I wouldn't want to be known as that gay basketball player not because I'm ashamed of been gay, but because unfortunately it's not really acceptable, and I wouldn't want to be judged on which sex I chose to be with rather than my game. I wouldn't want to be looked at differently then everyone else because of my orientation. Of course a big part of it is all the problems that the sex issue brings to the table, if people were more acceptable, been gay would be just like been blond, Chinese, black or Swedish in the NBA.

I know that a lot of young kids look for a role model and for someone that they can relate to and feel better about themselves, I had those same wishes when I was younger. I think that even though in sports it still only happens rarely, it happens a lot in other areas, areas where being gay is more acceptable and brings less questions. A lot of times I wish I could help younger kids and I hope even by letting them read this I can make them feel even a tiny bit better about themselves.As for now i don't see myself keeping this secret forever, but will it happen while I'm playing, I don't know for now, I will just take it a day at a time.

I wanted to share one more small thing that I haven't had the chance to in the last couple of times and that's songs and the way they affect me, or I think a lot of people, but I can only speak for myself.

There are lines from songs that touch my heart and just make me feel like they are talking about me exactly or just get my feelings at the time.

I know that there are songs that touch everyone and each one, and I know that we each give every song our interruption and what we like to think it means, but I think that it's the beauty in music. The one I feel like writing now has a couple of sentences that every time I hear them they get me thinking, so it goes like this :

" and i don't want the world to see me,
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken,
i just want you to know who I am."

Basically it's not hard to guess that this for me shows my two sides, the one side who just says he doesn't want to come out(and i don't want the world to see me") and be out publicly and have everyone know (" cause "I don't think that they'd understand") and the other part is the side that wants to just live my life and be out and just take what ever the world has to offer (when everything's made to be broken. The last sentence of course complets that wish (I just want you to know who i am).

Anyway that's just something I wanted to share, there are more songs and I will post them up once in a while.
Of course wouldn't mind hearing some of your favorite songs...

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Handling The Pressure

Hey Everyone.

Hope all is well with everyone and you are enjoying the winter where ever you are, After seeing a part of the all star game in the weekend I got my idea for my next blog.

A all star game is in same ways a dream of a pro player, not in the sense that you get picked to play in it because that's a given, but in the sense that you don't fell almost any pressure.

There aren't too many things on the line in a game like that, you go out and get the chance to have fun and not worry too much what happens, and if you win or lose.

In the years I have been around I have seen many players manage their pressure in different ways, I can only speak for myself but I feel pressure and nervous every game.

In a way I think that it always reminds me that I care about what I do, about my team and about the game.At the same time I have to admit that there are and were times where the pressure is almost too much.

I don't mean that I can't play or can't handle it, but just that during times of pressure thoughts that I don't really want pop up to my head,even though it happens during the days before the game.

I have had those thoughts of a injury, not even faking one, but hoping to get injured and cheering from the sidelines.If that happens no one could blame me, and everyone will remember the big contribution that I gave the team.

That way I could come to the game clean and quite, not been nervous, not waiting for the jump ball and not worrying how I will play, but just sit down and see others running up and down.

I'm sure that if you sit with a lot of players in a open and real conversation a lot of them will tell you about the struggles that they had at some point of their playing career.

I know that no one can see the pressure one me, or no one thinks that I'm nervous before a game or that I have those thoughts, cause I keep cool and can "act" the part.

I try to show everyone that I'm doing fine and feeling fine, so I can just think that a lot of different players have those kinds of thoughts. When I just started playing pro, it was harder, I was much more nervous, but with the experience I'm getting I feel less nervous then I used to.

I think that a lot of times when we see a player performing we can't be sure if the reason for a bad performance is pressure or not. Sometimes players look like they don't really care and they are just there to get it over with.

It's something that drives fans crazy, but I guess that the pressure can make your freeze on the court,field or what ever you are a part of and make you look nonchalant.

There are cases when you see players try so hard, that it becomes over trying.I think that's also because they feel pressure to be great, to be the number one talent and so on.

I think that in my case the pressure is first of all because of what I expect from myself, and my need to play good and succeed every game.

Again, just like many pro's, but maybe worrying about not playing well, or thinking that I won't play well is what gets me nervous. I can't really put a finger on it, and also I don't talk about it with other players, so I don't know what they really fell.

If I try to connect it with been gay, it might have something to do with it. Maybe wanting to be better or to prove myself more to "fit in". it's just something I threw up to the air, since it's not something I can really point to as I said before.

I can honestly say that luckily I'm almost never injured and even if I do get injured I almost do anything possible to play. So I can only guess that what I sometimes think just stays as something on my mind and not something that really happens.

When it comes down to it, when I'm on the court I usually feel on top of the world, there is nothing greater than been on the court in the money time.

When the game is close and everything is on the line, the pressure is out there and I can feel it,but in those moments I wouldn't change it for anything and been injured or sitting out just sounds crazy to me.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Songs, Olympics And Everything Else

Well, it took me sometime to put up my first post this week, so I will try to stick to my twice a week program...
This post is mostly not related to me, but only my opinion on a certain matter.

First of all I will start with the winter Olympics, I'm a big sports fan, but somehow the summer Olympic always gets more of my attention, Even though I'm sure to watch the hockey competition and maybe other big events it just doesn't set the same thrill for me.

not having a chance to see a 10 seconds run that changes the world, or a swim meet that is just breathe taking sometimes, but then again, each one makes his own picks.

On a side note of the events itself, I started thinking last night about Georgian Luger Nodar Kumaritashvili, who died in a training accident yesterday, a guy who came to compete in the Olympics and fulfill his life dream just loses his life on such a tragic note.

I know that so many deaths can be prevented not just in sports but in general, but I guess those are things that will always happen and it's a part of our world. If I look at sports and think about myself and others I know it's just hard to comprehend a death like this.

When you play sports you feel untouchable at those moments, of course you can pull a muscle or be injured, but you never think that you might lose your life on something that is so natural to you.

I don't really know all the details about what happened, just heard that there were other complaints from other lugers about the track and it's safety. Better yet about it been not really as safe as those Olympic athletes felt it should.

I know no one could predict anything like this could happen, but it does give a bad feeling inside, even though I'm sure everyone just tried to make it the best track possible.

During the years there have been tragic deaths on the basketball court, football field, soccer field and in other sports too. Guess we Can only be sorry for that. Though when it's something medical it's really sad but usually no one could have done anything, but on a case like yesterday it's just plain tragic.

We all know that tomorrow something else will happen that will get our attention, cause life is stronger than us and everyday brings his good things and his bad things, can just say once more that it's always sad that those "bad" things happen.

I was going to talk about songs and the meaning that some lyrics have on us and on different times of our life, but since this post ran long, so I will get to that next week.

Enjoy your weekend Olympic lovers, hope you enjoy the Olympics, the rest of us will make do with the all star game.

P.S - I was asked what was the best vacation I had, well, I do remember one in praticlur, Again, can't say that it stands out because of sex or something like that, It stands out because I got the chance to meet two really cute guys in two days.

It was great. I saw the first one in a pub, we changed glances for sometime,then he came towards me or I came towards him, don't really remember, after a couple of minutes he told me he came with friends and he has too leave.

He said that he will be happy to meet up the day after, so we met up for lunch, it was pure fun, we walked the city afterward and you can imagine the rest. I went out the same night and saw another cute guy that I saw already at that pub, we got to talk a lot and he was a interesting guy.

Besides the looks he was smart and funny, so it was really awesome. we honged out together most of the night. It was a couple of great days, just because I got a chance to enjoy quality time with quality guys for a couple of days in a row, not something that happens too often.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Going Out

Hey again.

Before I move on to my next post , just wanted to say a small thing about my last one. I decided to leave the internet dating "world", not because of one or two bad experiences, but because I decided that it took too much from me and took my full attention from basketball, so It's just something I put aside.

This blog is mostly about my off season activities, since back home only my family and another one or two people (I will get to that soon) know, I can't go out in the off season and have to act according to everyone's expectations, I try to find a solution, even if it's a small one.

So basically what I do is simple, once the season is over, instead of flying home straight , I take a Detour, I give myself around ten days of living my other life as I call it. The way I go at it is really simple, each year I chose a different country that I have never been in before.

After I pick a place and I know that it has a gay life in anyway I just stop there on the way home, it's something I do almost year in and year out. Once I get there it's not that I start walking the streets with two guys with me or go and walk the streets holding hands with another guy.

What does happen is just me going out and having a good time, I try to go out every night and just dance, party, hit on guys and get hit on. I usually find the casual sex also, but that's not the main reason I do it, I do it to feel alive in a certain way, a different way than the way I live and feel during the basketball season.

Like I mentioned before, the best times I experience can come from meeting a cute guy and having a good conversion, having fun, laughing and just feeling the same as everyone else in the club/bar or where ever I find myself.

There is nothing like feeling wanted and not have too be shy about it, to be able to enjoy people looking at you and feeling free to check guys out and know that no one is judging or caring, that they are just like me and all the other people that usually come to gay bars, gay....

Of course I enjoy other things that the city has to offer, Also I try to relax and rest a little before I get back home and soon enough it's time to get ready for the season and try to improve my game.

The ten days or how ever much I get the chance to enjoy what the vacation and the city I'm in has to offer usually fuels me for the up coming season, and the next months of been a good boy and not playing with other people, and guys in particular,lol.

Of course I would have wanted it to be much longer and much nicer, meaning just go about my business back home and go out the entire off season, but I try to do the best with what the options are.

This small "heaven" is something that holds my head up high in bad days or days when I feel lonely or sad. I know my vacation and the life of my other personality is still possible, even if for a short time .

Saturday, February 6, 2010

My Love Life

Well, we are getting close to the big event, that is the Superbowl of course, I will just say I hope the Saints win even though that might get some people mad.(sorry Jim)

To our subject, I think it's about time too explain about my love life, or no love life at that.

Not too long ago, when I was just starting my pro career and at the same time my new found journey in the gay world, I started to use the internet on a regular base.

Like every second person in this world, I met maybe a gay or two online, terrible is not a word that can fully express how those meetings were.

Besides the guys not been too much to my liking, I was of course to scared to go out side and meet them anywhere public, so they came to my apartment, and once they got there it was a problem.

I didn't know whether to turn them away or just get it over with, those words can describe it, I felt bad after.

It was no fun or nor did it give me any hopes about the gay life I was walking towards, to top it all I was always sure that my neighbors could some how hear something and that they knew all about me.

After those couple of meetings I was a little afraid or not really willing to give it another go.Guess my hormones give in after some time and I decided to go out and meet a guy I had talked long with on the internet.

I was sure he had nothing to do with sports, and also I was just new to the pro world. We went out on a date, I felt the worst ever, he was really really cute, and really good looking, but I could hardly function, I was feeling sick , couldn't eat anything, just nervous all the time.

Somehow it ended up as a good experience, not so much how I felt physically, but having a crush on someone was a first to me, I mean someone I actually met, not long after it turned out he was a teaser.

He decided that someone that wasn't out wasn't for him, even though it didn't bother him before, I took it really bad, started to think what did I do wrong and things of the sort.

Sometime later, after I felt better about myself in general I knew it wasn't my fault, but I can honestly say it was the worse I had ever felt regarding a guy, It didn't last too long, but it was long enough.

Basically besides that guy there was one more guy that I went out with and met, he was a little older than me, but very good looking, cute and my type. I still was afraid of walking the streets with him, kind of guessing it was more psychological than anything real, but he noticed, and he didn't mind reminding me after.

We kind of started to see each other quit a lot, mostly at his house, it was fun and gave me a good feeling, but at the same time this guy wasn't someone i could really trust.

He basically wanted an open relationship, now for me that held on for a week or two, but at some point I decided it wasn't for me, I met him once a couple of months later, we ended up going back to his place, but after that I really decided to call it quits.

Indeed that was the last of him, can't say I missed him much, maybe just having someone to meet and enjoy causal sex, but nothing more.

After that situation, I pretty much decided that I'm not going to go online anymore and not try to find someone or deal with all the things around while playing basketball. I kept up to my decision, haven't logged on any sites or met any guys during the season.

I think that after experiencing meetings some guys and at the same time seen my career develop it was to much of a risk for me to continue meeting guys, or going on dates.

If somehow I will meet someone by accident, it can be a different story, but for now the rest will just get me paranoid and worried.

The off season is a little different, I do try to use a short period of the time to live my other life, the one which doesn't involve basketball. Mostly by not flying home straight after finishing the season, but making a small stop on the way, but I will leave that for the next post

P.S got a new email, it's in my profile,, now I'm like everyone :)

and on another note, I was asked after the last post about guys comparing and things of the sort in the shower.

well, basically I didn't see that happening too much, everyone feels comfortable in the looker room and no one has anything to hide, so it's just a natural thing for everyone.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Life In The Locker Room

Hey again

So it's been just a couple of days since my last post and life does go on :).

Anyway, this post is dedicated mostly to the locker room, not real secrets or something outrages but just my take on things and just some facts and details.

To make sure that everyone is on the same page I will just say that the looker room is usually build up of 15 players more or less in one locker room, along with a couple of physiotherapists,equipment managers and team managers that go in and out.

Of course it's not really a room, cause there is a place for treatments, the showers, the equipment rooms, some places have sauna and things of that nature.

Basically this is our mutual living place, something like the big brother, only we get to go home twice a day...

I will be honest from the beginning and say how I feel in the locker room, The showers, been half dressed or not dressed at all and everything that you can think of isn't a bother to me at all, I guess it's something I blocked out along time ago. It's never on my mind, or I'm i ever worried that something will happen or that I will feel awkward or anything else.

I don't know other gay guys in the same situation every day, but I'm pretty sure that it's a common thing, like anyone of us that also plays contact sport. Our mind is thinking about what we are doing I guess and less on things around that have nothing to do with the game.

Our time in the looker room is used to just sit and chat, get treatments, listen to music, relax, or just get the energy and the mind going before practice or a game. Just like every team in the world, whether it's in the NBA or anywhere else we have players from different countries and different mentalities.

We get along quite good, Even though just like any other work places, you have those days when you are not really up to it, but you still got to step in the room and join the rest.

To be honest, for most teams and looker rooms I have been in, there is one international subject that everyone feels happy to gossip about, besides basketball of course, and that's women.

I know it's something natural and I don't have a problem with it, somewhere down the line someone said that basketball players are just kids who haven't really grown up, they might be right.. :)

I can't really say it interests me to hear too much about every guy and his sex life and how this girl is more a ...... than others ( and u can fill it in yourself).

Must say, I don't think I'm the type that would talk about those things even if I was straight, Guess everyone is different, I'm not really a quit guy, i have my views and I make them heard, just not on those subjects.Some things I try to keep to myself,I feel that all the talk just makes it cheap sex and not my cup of tea.

Even though once in a while I will say a couple of things or tell someone about a girl hitting on me, or sending people to find out if I'm single. Don't do it too much, but just enough to avoid questions.

Also, like I wrote in one of my first posts, in basketball a lot of times the players or the team changes, so I get a fresh start and can deal with fresh faces most of the time and not to many questions.

I can't judge either, cause want it or not, basketball players or pro athletes don't have to work to hard or work at all to meet a woman or go out with one, the girls always find as, quick and often, so I guess when it's so easy, it just happens a lot.

Can say that the locker room is something different than what people usually are used to, maybe even in the way that there we all feel comfortable to be ourselves to a point. If it's towards other players, fans, coaches or what ever you can think of.

What I mean is that once you go on the court, on TV, on radio or newspapers you have to sell the same quotes and same things : " how the team is the only thing that is important, how you don't care if you scored 25 or 23 but as long as the team won, there is no I in team and things like that.

We are taught to keep it clean and diplomatic rather than what you might really think. But that's the unwritten rule and that's what is expected, so we just follow, and that's fine by me.

Anyway just wanted to give you a little look to the locker room, or to what goes around it....

Feel free if you have any Questions....