2 Years Later

Hey everyone,

It's been forever since I wrote and since I checked my email, but i read an article on outsports today, about the soccer goalkeeper that came out a year ago and it got me checking on things again.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote, so i will just give a short update.

The guy I met and was my BF, moved in with me more than a year and a half ago and he is no longer my BF, but more my husband :), we got married in the US with our families and it was great. Besides that we are hoping to be parents in the near future, so I can't ask for anything else in that area. I would never thought this was possible 4-5 years ago, but it's been an amazing change and an amazing ride and I couldn't be happier.

Basketball wise, I'm still playing and still enjoying it, its always been my passion, so I guess the love never goes away. I'm not officially out, but as I wrote before, every one knows, everyone knows my partner and my story, also some of the fans know him from mutual events and it's just a common thing.

I have been approached a couple of times by the media and asked if I would like to talk about the subject but so far I have declined. It's always on the back of my mind, I reached what I wanted and I have the things I wanted, and the only thing that is left in my mind is the option of maybe helping others by coming out, something that I still think about.

It's nice to read and hear all the stories, but somehow I still feel that there is more to be achieved. It was great to see Jason Collins in the NBA, but it was short lived. We don't have out gay players in any of the major sports and it still feels like there is a barrier that has to be crossed.

I always felt that the way things will happen is through college players that come out and make that next step to the pro's, maybe it will take some time till we see that, so for the meanwhile one can only hope.

I hope that everyone is doing as well as possible and I wish everyone happy holidays and a happy new year and of course feel free to email me if you have any questions or any updates :)

All the best..

Just Checking In

Hey my friends,

How are you?

Just decided to check in and say hey and update on how things are going.

Basketball wise, i'm doing well, back to playing after almost 10 months out. I had a long rehab process and towards the end had a little setback that made me wonder if I will be able to get back to playing, but things worked out well and I got back to playing.

Sadly I was released from my team, but found a new home, a team with good people and a team that has some major goals for the future, something that is always fun to be a part of.

As for the guy I met, surprisingly we are still together, it has been 5 months and things are great. Even though we live in different countries he comes to visit me once a month. Hopefully during 2014 he will move in with me and if things work out well, I can see myself having a family with him in the near future ( a year or two).

He is a great guy, and it's the first time I feel in love with someone who is in love with me in a genuine way. Someone who is always there for me and someone that I know truly loves me. We talk all day long and it's a great feeling to have someone I can trust and someone that is always looking to talk and to be in touch and I never have that feeling of worry or those thoughts if things are serious or not.

He is already met some people from my team, mostly management who is been really nice to him and are mostly happy for me. In his next visit, someone who became a good friend of mine is getting married and we will go together to the weeding.

I just live my life on a regular way, even when he is here and we are out in the streets or anywhere else.  In a nice coincidence he even got the chance to meet my family, which totally loves him and they are all FB friends all ready, so everything is great in that area.

About professional sports, I'm pretty disappointed that Jason Collins hasn't signed anywhere yet, I don't really know if it has to do with him being gay or just him being over the hill and teams not wanting to mix those two things together, and sign someone who might be more of a headache and less of a player that can help them out.

I have no doubt that the sports world is moving forward in the aspect of the gay issue in pro sports, but I still think that there is a big difference between what the players say to the media and what they say between themselves.

In the country I play for, soccer is very big. I work with a couple of people who worked in different soccer teams, and they say that the players there are much more homophobic than any basketball player they met, and that the way they see things is more or less the way people viewed the gay issue 30 years ago.

I guess only time will tell and only actions in the end will show everyone where things stand. Without knowing names or knowing specifics, I have no doubt that there are serval gay players in the NBA, just like they are some in european basketball and in different sports, we will wait and see if they do something about it.

Hope all of you are doing well, if anyone has any questions or just wants to say something, feel free to find me through my email : anonymous.baller20@gmail.com.

Enjoy your weekend..

Six Months Later

Hey guys,

I know it's been a long time, maybe too long, around 7 months I see, but I always say better late than never.

As for me, i'm doing good, recovering from surgery, had shoulder season ending surgery pretty much earlier in the year and working everyday to get back to the court next year.

As for my love life, met a great guy that was visiting here during the season. I will probably go meet him during the summer, he is cute and nice and a lot of fun to be around, but we are each in our own world, so don't really know how that can work out. However I will try to enjoy myself with a great guy and what ever happens happens.

Besides that, of course I was really in to the whole Jason Collins story, I think its great and I hope that he gets a contract in the league. I think it's an amazing decision to do what he did, and from the people around the NBA that I talked to said only amazing things about him.

It would be very interesting to talk to him and hear his side of the story, but I haven't put too much effort into that, but maybe will try later on.

I think my life is summer completely different than a year or two ago, or even 7 months ago that I wrote last. I'm basically out, not publicly via newspaper or website, but in every other aspect i'm completely out, don't try to hide it or anything of the sort.

I have been thinking a lot about coming out in the last year, even before the Jason Collins story, it still might happen, just have to see how a couple of things work out during the summer. Sadly enough this kind of thing still can influence how things shape up contract wise and things of that nature.

Besides that just trying to recover from the Spurs losing the finals, but what can we do, guess sometimes it's just a matter of one rebound that decides a whole season.

Guess that's it, just wanted to give you a short update and to say hey.

Feel free to email if you want to say hey or anything else.

Take care.

Saying Hello

Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is doing well, I stopped by my blog and saw that nothing has been written in 4 months so I decided to check in.

To be honest it was kind of nice to look at my blog through the blogger website and check out some of the stats, to see that people from Saudi Arabia have taken a look at my blog, same from Morocco and other countries I didn't expect to have followers from. I wish they would have emailed me and that I would have gotten the chance to talk to them, but that's also heart warming.

Not a lot has changed in the last couple of months, I was excited to watch Obama win again, I must admit I stayed up almost all night to make sure he is doing ok. It was also great to see that all votes regarding gay marriage or gay issues won in the ballot, which is a first and a great step forward. 

Now I just need to find someone to marry and i'm all good :). As for my personal life? things aren't going as I wished, I mean, i'm going out, having fun, enjoying myself and not caring too much about being recognized or if someone will see me, but also didn't meet anyone special.

I met a really nice guy around a month ago, we met a couple of times and it was really great, but I think he got a little nervous that things might be getting serious and got cold feet, he is also younger than me, it was a little disappointing, but that's life i guess.

As for the guy that visited me and I visited him after, Tom, we haven't spoken since the "break up" or whatever you wish to call it. I most be honest and say that he hasn't come up too much and I haven't really missed him. I still feel that i'm usually attracted to the guys that aren't ready for anything serious or that will say that they aren't interested. 

Also I still have a tough time finding people that approach me in bars to be attractive, but I guess i'm still a work in progress, I also find it that it's harder for me to hit on people in parties here than when I'm vacation, guess on vacation I don't think about consequences and just act, not like I feel over here.

Since basketball season is in full swing I get a chance to go out only once in a couple of weeks. I try to go only to parties that are exactly they type of parties that i'm sure I will enjoy. Sometimes people recognize me and ask a question here or there, but I guess most gay guys don't really follow sports, lucky me.

About the sports world and the gay part of it, it's nice to see a lot of straight players stand up for gay rights and basically human rights and it always gives me and i'm sure others a good feeling. About a gay athlete coming out while playing? it's a tricky question, as someone told me, we won't get a heads up, when it happens it will just happen, the sooner the better.

As for my basketball side, things are going well, the team is doing OK, not amazing, but I think we are getting and will get better with time and i'm also happy with my part so far, so I hope it continues to go well.

Guess that's it for now, still nice to get emails and be in touch with people, so feel free to do so if there is anything on your mind, enjoy your weekend.

End Of Vacation Part 2

When it was time to close up something small happened to me, that can symbolize my whole trip and my situation in the "dating world". There was a really gorgeous guy that I saw at the bar a couple of nights before and didn't say anything, but this time, I went to say hey and he was cute and nice, we talked and then I continued talking to my friends, he told me not to leave without saying goodbye.

Anyway when the bar closed I waited for my friend that worked there to come out and say goodbye, in the meanwhile that guy came out and started talking to me, said that he is sad that I'm leaving and it's too bad that we just talked now, he gave me a hug and then started kissing me and he was amazing, cute, great smile and great body and we continued kissing.

He said that I'm BF material and not someone he just wants to hook up with, usually I don't look for those instant hookups, but it was my last night and he was really great looking so I wanted it to happen. He continued kissing me and I was telling him that we can go back to my place and so on and so on. He said he can't hook up with me and that he really likes me, for more then that.

Now I'm not a kid and i know that some guys say that just to get out of the situation, but the thing was that he continued kissing me and didn't want to leave, it was great and kind of a annoying situation at the same time. 

Of course in the end he went home and I went home, just not to the same home. I feel like this is really a good image of all my issues with guys, that somehow I feel attracted to those who can't give me what i want, I guess at this point I'm looking for those guys.

 

 It's hard to deal and accept a lot of times, but this trip and seeing how I was hit on by so many people and never liked any of them, besides maybe one that also didn't turn out to be too useful and at the other end getting turned down basically by every guy that I approached, granted I didn't go up to too many guys, but I already knew what was going to happen before I even tried.

It hurts me but I'm still optimistic that i will work on the things that need to be worked and that I will get to the situation that I meet someone that I like and that really wants to be with me, i'm sure that I'm not going to give up just yet.

All in all it was an interesting vacation, still feel bad that Tom skipped out and I  couldn't spend time with him, cause he is as close as I got to a good relationship and maybe he is the max that i'm able to handle at this time of my life.

 

But meeting all the staff from the bar and having so much fun will always be in my heart, they were amazing and it was just great to be there every night, I already miss them all.

In other news, I signed an extension and I'm going back to the same team that I played for last year, which will make everything easier since management and coaches and everyone knows. I also know the city already, so I can go out and try to have fun and meet some nice guys. There is a lot of work towards the new season, but I feel like coming out and telling people will also help me with basketball, but only time will tell.

Thanks again for those who still follow me an have the patience to read even though I don't publish too many things in the last months, hope all is well with everyone..

End Of Vacation Part 1

Well, another vacation is in the history books, i was writing this while on the plain on the way home. it  was a long vacation compared to the ones i usually take. It was interesting and had it's ups and downs.

last time i wrote was after me and the guy i was dating split up, if you can call you that, well, i told you that i saw him that night again and he treated me like someone he barely knew, that hurt me, and it still bothers me till today.

However I was happy that i resisted the urge that sometimes came up to contact him, I deleted him from Facebook, just cause it was too much for me to see him going out and posting pictures, that way I couldn't see it even if i wanted to.

Luckily I didn't meet him again the whole vacation, I might say that somewhere it bothered me, but I think it's better off that way, cause nothing good would ever really come out of it.

All my friends are pissed at him and really mad, I told him that it was a great experience and I enjoyed it and I'm happy that it happened.

After we went our separate ways I continued going out and trying to have fun, If I'm on vacation there was no reason to sit at home and be miserable. I met a really nice guy a couple of days later , I already wrote about that last time around ,but besides meeting once i didn't hear from him again, so surprising I guess.

I continued to go out and try to have fun, it became pretty amusing at a certain point, a lot of the guys at the club or bar would come up to me and hit on me and I never went along with it because I didn't really find them attractive. 

At the same time if i saw a guy i liked I knew it wasn't going to happen, I continued to amuse myself and go up to the guys I liked, some where nice, some weren't, but again, no one showed interest. 

It's amazing how our sub conscious controls those things, I do believe that I'm attracted to all the guys that can't really give me what I want, which is a relationship, or maybe I just think that I want it.

I met another nice guy one night out, we made eye contact and in the end he said hey, i was nice, but didn't really feel like doing anything about it, however I saw him again a week after, he was cute and gave me his number, we met for lunch and met again to hang out the next day, it was great. Had a really really good time both outdoors and indoors. we even went out to eat around 2 am after a long day together.

He was really cute and a cool guy, we talked about meeting again and hanging out and he said that maybe I will join him for a night out of the town during the week. After he texted and we exchanged text he explained to me that he is going with friends for the weekend and basically he disappeared. He continued texting from time to time, but I was ambivalent, I saw him during the last weekend before I left.

I was nice and he started talking about meeting up before I leave, I told him that it's cool and he knows where to find me, of course I knew what will happen, so just before I left the club that night I went up to him, gave him a huge and told him that it was nice meeting him, he said that we will meet up during the weekend, but i knew why I was saying my goodbyes. 

Besides that I met another guy, but it was just to fool around, nothing serious and something I usually don't do, but it happens to the best of us.

However I saved the best part for the end. It was the second year straight that I was at the same place during my summer, mostly because of Tom, I met him at a bar last year and saw him again there when we split up, so I guess it's my local bar.

Since I'm not really used to having gay friends and hanging out with them I'm usually not to friendly or a big social guy, however I started talking to one of the bartenders at the local pub, he was cute and always took care of me, so it was nice coming there.

I was there for most of my vacation and I started hanging out with him and with the other bartenders, it was a different and cool experience, we went bar hopping, and with another bartender I went to see a movie, just being friends.

Every night that I came out I never paid for anything, not that it's the most important thing, but it's always cool to go out, have fun, drink and not have to pay for it. But to a certain extant it was the first time that I was able to really enjoy the company of another gay guy without feeling weird about it. I know that all of them wanted to go out with me, or take me home or whatnot, but they understood that I had no desire to do so, and they were really cool about it.

I continued going there and we continued to hang out, it was funny, I knew everyone at the bar and all the staff and even the guys at the door already knew what I did for a living, not that I really care anymore, it is what it is.

The best part was the last night out before my flight home. I went out and they decided that i have to drink a little more than I usually do, because I'm not a big drinker.

I had a blast, they didn't stop giving me drinks all night long, again, not something crazy, but the alcohol came out purring and it was fucking great, I was drunk at some point , or at least tipsy and it made everything so much more fun. We took crazy pictures, we started throwing ice and napkins at each other and basically just behaving like stupid kids and having a blast.

Another Vacation

Hey everyone,

Hope all is well with everyone and that those who follow basketball are enjoying the playoffs. With time, besides being a Heat hater i'm also quite the Celtics fan, so i'm happy with the situation.

Out west I just want which ever team has the bigger chance of beating the Heat to come out victorious, but I don't really know who that will be, guess only time will tell.

Any way, is you can all guess, the season is over and i'm already on my vacation, hasn't been 2 long, but it has started. On the first day I met my, I don't really know what to call him, but the guy I met last year and visited me during the season. I will call him Tom, it will just be easier.

We had a great couple of days, it was fun as always and I enjoyed our time together. One night when we were just laying in bed I brought up a couple of things that bothered me.

Not in the sense that I believed he could change or that things could really be serious, but I brought it up cause I care about him and if he wants any chance of a future with someone, which is probably not me, he has to know and at least try to work on it, for his own sake.

I thought that this would probably have an impact, and I was right, it happened faster than i thought, he was supposed to come over after work, which he did, but he told me on the way that we need to talk. He sat me down and explained that I was right about what I said and that he needs to think and so on and so on.

I really know the truth, and it's simple, every time he feels that someone is having strong feelings for him, giving him affection, love or however you want to call it, he feels it's too much and he has to run away.

All of us, or at least most of us have issues with being loved, even though i'm sure most of us aren't aware to it. At least this time around he didn't run, but came and talked to me, which was better than I have gotten used to.

It made me pretty sad to be honest, I know things well end soon, but didn't think that soon. Anyway, I decided not to sit around on my vacation and do nothing, so I decided to at least go out that night and dance and enjoy myself a little.

Of course when I got to the place he was there also, when I saw him it made me feel pretty bad, now I decided to be the mature one and say hello, he was very close to me and sitting down. I came up to him, gave him a little pat on the head and smiled and moved back, his reaction was pretty mean. I'm guessing he didn't know how to behave, but it made me feel pretty shitty.

Again, I know it's also my issues, not just him, but at that moment I felt like breaking a table over his head, i was really hurt, something that hasn't happened too much with him. Yeah, I was disappointed in the past, but I knew it wasn't done on purpose, but that one hurt me.

After a couple of days, I decided that the vacation must go on, I'm not going to sit around and do nothing. I met a guy through the internet and we met up for a date. It was really great, he was more my type, he's funny and good looking and a really nice guy.

We had a great time, I walked him home and we exchanged numbers, he didn't really have time yesterday, but we will see about today, I really like him. To some excitant I always knew that Tom (a.k.a guy from last year) and the relationship with him was also build on me enjoying having someone and feeling something different than I knew before.

More than falling for him as a person, I won't lie, I love spending time with him, but we really don't belong in the same world and don't share any common interests or anything of the sort, like I answered a good friend of mine that asked me what do we have in common, so I told her that he is cute, that's enough for me.

About the guy that I just met, I don't really think I'm going to hear from him again, for someone reason I still worry that I'm attracted to people who aren't able to give me what I want, if it's a relationship, commitment or just be there for me.

 I pretty much got over the random sex thing and if a couple of years ago I would do it and just want to leave after, today I only find myself hanging out with people that I would be happy to spend the day with also, and not just the night.

So it's something good on the one side, but still worries me that I find myself attracted to people that aren't surely what I want or deserve. It's funny, when I go out to clubs, I really get hit on all the time, maybe I'm saying this to boost my ego, even though none of you really know me, but to be honest it's funny.

I can get hit on by 15 guys and not like any of them, which is the case 95 % of the time. I mean, basically only guys that I approach are guys that I want to hang out with, which make sense, but still you would expect that at least I would like some of the guys who come up to me, go figure.

So the vacation continues, I'm trying to have fun, thinking about starting to work out already towards next year and waiting to see what the day brings. Somewhere inside I still hope to hear from Tom, but i'm surely not going to be the one making the first move.

That's more or less the situation for now, have a good one and thanks again for listening/ reading.