The Day After

Hey again

Well, since I still have some years to go before I have to start thinking about the day after it doesn't cross my mind too much, at least not in the rational sense. I don't think about what I will do in the working sense or what profession will I chose or if I will stay in basketball or not.

One thing I do feel pretty strong about is just living my life once I stop been a professional basketball player. I don't know when it will happen, and it's not something that I set a time table on, but I do really believe that the latest that I will be out and just go about my business will be when I retire.

Again, it's the way things look now, I can't guess what the years will bring and what will happen in the future, but that's my feelings for now.

My thoughts are usually in a different place, I often think of what does it all mean, and it's not in the sense of being gay, straight or bi, it's just that in the mix of all the rush and adrenaline and fun I a think a lot about the meaning of everything.

It's not easy to explain, but I just mean, all the hard work, all the practices all the games that I have had and played and in the end when I grow old and will be sitting with myself at home, what will the meaning of it be? will I care or remember any championship I took, any personal title I won or will all that not put a smile on my face.

I sometimes get that feeling when I watch a full season of some TV show I want to catch up on, or spending hours on the ps3, it's something fun and nice, but winning a championship on nba10 doesn't leave me with anything to take from it but plain fun. It might cross my mind afterward s that I just burned time on nothing.

I can't fully explain my feelings on that subject or put it to paper, but it's just something that's not based on rational. It's the same as seeing people work and work and work, even after they are rich and achieved enough and they don't rest and don't stop, what will they remember in the end? another million they made or lost?.

Maybe what I'm trying to get at is trying to find a answer on how we can leave a mark before we exit this world, Or just get to the age when we sit back and look at everything. Will we remember the good times we had?, or the achievements?, or the money we made or could of made?, or will it just come down to a nice season or a nice period in my life I will remember?

In someway maybe I'm just putting my fears on paper, or in this case on the virtual page. Maybe worrying that the things I do aren't important enough to sit down and feel good about later on? Even though it's something I think about in relations to a lot of people I know that don't deal with sports, but with other things and other lines of work.

I can only wish that once I have a boyfriend and later on kids ( or at least I wish to) and basically live a different life , with a family and friends and living freely then I will feel like I have more things that will give me a good feeling. More things that let me sit down and smile ,like seeing the kids grow older and being together with someone I love.

The funny thing is that while writing this, I try to think about myself during a game, I'm so excited and in such a high adrenaline rush, going all crazy. I guess that brings me back to the point that this really matters, because if it was just for passing time or making money then I wouldn't feel any of those things. If it's not important why should I get all hyped up about it.

I come back to this point all the time, I'm doing something I love so much and want so much. Looking to the future I can only hope that those years I put in and worked hard everyday will stay with me after I grow old, and will leave me with a good taste.

A song that came to my mind has some words that can relate to my worries and less to my wishes in this post, again, it's not what I picture or hope for, but it's just a nice song:

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

The Meaning Of Life

Hey again, feeling like I have a lot to share lately, so I'm just going for it.

The title seems real serious and a major issue, I don't know what will come of it, didn't give it much thought before, guess you will find out together with me as this post goes on.

Sometimes when I have some free time to sit down and think, I have serious thoughts, not always, but today was one of them. The first thing that came to mind is that we all get one chance in life.

I'm not religious and don't believe in anything special , but the fact is that we only get one go at it down here, what happens after? no one knows.

That fact is connected to my secret, even though I believe that it connects to everyone, all of us have a short amount of time to do what ever we decided to do with our life, I was thinking that maybe tomorrow morning I will just wake up and do what ever I want.

Go out and hit on guys, have sex with the first guy i see, go out and party all night, stop carrying what people say or think, if they love me or not, stop been nice because i have to.

Got to Stop lying to people because I got to, stop looking for peoples affection and love and stop giving a fuck what anyone thinks.

When I Think rationally I think all of us want to be appreciated and loved, I don't think it's something we control, I think it's something that controls us, all of us after all want to feel good about ourselves and to be wanted.

I mean maybe just to stop living in the bounders and the norms that society and other people expect from me and from us, do what I want when I want and as often as I want. If people won't like it, it's their problem not mine.

Hack, we are all going to die in the end, do I want to go through life with a secret? not telling anyone and not doing anything with it just to please others and just to be liked or accepted?.

I also remember that when I was just starting to deal with been gay I looked for love first from others because I was still homophobic and couldn't find it inside me so I looked out.

Though with time I think I improved in that area deeply,but still got ways to go, I can only say the following : " If you don't love yourself how can you expect others to do it?"

So when I wrote the meaning of life, I don't know if it means just living life to the fullest and just do whatever we want, or does it mean that my life meaning is playing basketball to the best of my ability until it's time to move on. Then when times come to live my life, or is it years wasted hiding the real me.

Then comes the part when I bounce back to reality and understand that the sacrifices I'm making every day gives me the best answer to which path is the one I'm following.

That my life meaning for now is playing basketball and trying to reach as far as I can, and once that part is over my meaning will change and I will move on to other things.

All in all i can just say that there are days that I'm jealous and I admire those who just don't give a damn about anything and do what ever they want and feel.

At other times I'm happy that at least I'm doing something that makes me happy and feel good with myself. Even if means other things have to wait,

Well, in some odd way I can say that it doesn't really matter what I think, it matters what I do, and last time I checked it was bball....

In a perfect world I could do both, but sadly enough last time I opened the window nothing was perfect...

Guess that's it for now, enjoy the last day of your weekend....Unless anyone has a boyfriend to offer me :)

P.S - My blog reading career is at it's prime, I'm just not stopping. HB9 I would be happy to get the link to your old blog, In an email or what ever works for you, if you don't mind of course.....