2012

Hey everyone, been a long time since we last spoke, all the way back to 2011 I’m guessing. I'm sure I impressed you with my sense of humor.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed last night, whether it was with their love ones, or partying or just hanging out with some friends. As for me, I was at home, didn't feel like going out and don't really enjoy the company of too many people lately. I mean, I just rather not fake everything then go out and be with people that I don't have too much in common with, or don't really interest me.

I'm not trying to say that I only care about guys ore sex or things of that nature, it's just that I’m tired of the girl talk and all those things that are really the last thing that I want to hear about. I have to admit that this last week was a lonely one, I mean, I’m usually lonely, but in the last couple of days I felt it stronger than usual, it's just a bad feeling all around, I try to remind myself that this is the situation right now and there is nothing I can really do about it.

So OK, we moved on to 2012, what does the future hold for us? Well, down the line we have the elections. I have to admit that I really hope Obama will win again, just because he has done a lot for the LGBT community. While on the other side sit a bunch of morons, at least that's how they sound to me, and talk about trying to preserve the natural family, all that bullshit that them and Tim Tebow spend their time wasting on, instead of actually trying to do anything useful.

As for me, I was actually thinking about bringing up the subject of how the game you have week in and week out effects your mood, or in this case my mood, and just that we all forget that it's a game and It becomes pretty much a matter of life and death, but I will save that for next time.

I usually don't make lists or think too much about what each year will bring and what will change in my life. This year I didn't write anything either, but I had a different feeling this year, can't really explain it. It's not really related, but Saturday I decided to really clean my house and make it ready for 2012, I mean, I just went at it, so at least the house looks all nice and pretty for the New Year.

As for myself, like I said, I don't know what the future will bring, but I'm certain or almost certain that I had enough of being alone. I don't mean that I’m going to come out tomorrow and tell everyone that I’m gay, BUT I think I need to find a way to live my life, maybe without telling every person on this planet, but maybe just try to go out and find the balance.

I'm guessing that if people in the country I played here knew, it would make some kind of headlines, on the other hand, I’m not sure that journalists and websites will look to out someone who doesn't want to be. I haven't played this out in my mind too much, but I have played with and against a couple of players that I knew we’re gay and so did the media, but no one wrote about it or mentioned it in anyway, but again, it's just things that are running through my mind.

I just know that the last couple of days that I felt alone to the point that it just hurt was enough for me. It might take time and might not be next week or even in the next 9-10 months, but I know next year come December 31, 2012 I’m going to be either with my BF at home or going out on a date with someone, somewhere, at least I strongly believe in it.

For the rest of you, I just want to wish everyone a great new year. That you enjoy it, find happiness, love and joy. I just truly hope that everyone can go to sleep with a smile on their face for the majority of this year and the rest of their life. I know it sounds catchy and even border line naive, but I do believe that in the end of the day that's one of the greatest things in life, the possibility to lay back in bed and look on the day we had or a couple of hours that we spent with someone special and just smile about it and embrace it.

Before I say goodbye for tonight, I want to share a clip with you, I’m not sure how many of you saw it, but for those who didn't I recommend you do so. This is a clip of a young boy who passed away last week. He made this clip a week before his death; this reminds me that we should be thankful for waking up in the morning and just being alive. I know we never think of it or appreciate it, but sometimes a clip like this can remind all of us how lucky we are. I might not agree with the end of the clip, but I accept that everyone has his beliefs and is entitled to them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35O3E3T3GKQ&feature=share

So again, Happy new year and all the best to all of you, my friends, where ever you are reading this from.

Wondering

Hey everyone.

Hope you are all enjoying the summer, even though I'm sure that the hot wave across the U.S.A isn't helping anyone at the moment.

As for me, getting ready for the season, spending a lot of my time at the gym with the weights and the other half on the court working on my game. I like this time when I can work on things I don't get to do during the season, but it's also a lot of work and not an easy time to get prepared for the upcoming season.

In around a month or so I will be joining my team and starting the pre season, which usually is mostly un related to basketball. Working more on the psychical aspects, working on our shape and on our athletic skills, got to hate that, and boy do I hate that. Always a terrible feeling to run and work and practice without a ball and without the baskets, but just on other departments of the game. Of course it's a must, but no one said that I can't complain right?

As for the contract, I got more or less what I wanted, as I said before, it's not the same money that they have in the N.B.A, but I'm happy with what I signed for and it's for sure more than I expected to make when I just started playing as a kid. So now there is only the basketball part left.

Before that, I wanted to talk about something else, I'm going back to the guy I wrote you about, the guy that I spent my vacation with this summer. For the first time I felt really great about everything, but since I got back it's just been a whole bad month or so, not that I don't behave the same or do the same things I did before. It's just that I think about him all the time, at least when I'm alone with myself, listening to music or just thinking.

I know I can't do anything and I know that I went through this with other guys, guys who weren't worthy of my hearts and thoughts, unlike this guy who is worthy of everything. Usually after a week or two those other guys were gone in my head also, but this isn't the case, it doesn't get any better, it just hurts all the time.

We talked one or twice after I got back and I even started thinking about going back to see him again, but once we started talking about it, I started to realize that it's not something fair to do, at least not to him. Even if I did go, it would be for ten days or so and in the end we would be in the same place, sad to leave and not being able to do anything about it.

It's not like I could go for a month or two and see what happens, so why just hurt him more by seeing him and then leaving him. We stopped talking after a week or so, I emailed him my thoughts and feelings and that was about it, but there isn't a day when I don't look at his number and want to dial it, look at his facebook page and want to message him or just look at the picture and miss holding him.

I know there is nothing to do and I just want the time to pass, it doesn't matter that I'm a closeted man, it's just that I play basketball and we don't live in the same continent, I can't bring him over with me, even if I was out, cause he has his own career and life. I can't join him because I can't give up my career, it's just a lose lose situation with no solution to it, at least not one that I was able to think about.

We promised each other to stay in touch, but it just hurts too much and it's not happening, so I guess sometimes when life gives you lemons, you can't make lemonade. Which basically just means that sometimes life sucks and as I wrote him : "In a perfect world I could stick around and see what happens, but sadly enough life is far from perfect.

I'm still happy I met him, even though It brings me a lot of pain and bad days also, that's part of life, and as one of my favorite songs says :


Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Whoa, whoa
Guess I'd rather hurt
Than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call
But I'm a little drunk
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now

Oh baby, I need you now

Middle Of The Summer - Part 3

After waking up the next morning I just walked around a little, took myself to a movie and just waited for the day to complete it's natural course.

I was about to go home in three days and I felt like those three days couldn't come any faster, it was such a big disappointment to me, not as much because of this specific person, but more because it was the first time I felt different.

I was so happy to find out that I'm capable of something like that and that not all the guys I find myself attracted to are doomed to be assholes, and all that blow up in my face after those last couple of days.

That night I decided to go back to the bar I met him in, just to have a drink, try to enjoy myself, knowing that this wouldn't happen anytime soon, or to be more specific, not in the next year at least.

After around an hour, I picked up a drink and leaned back on the wall and was just thinking. Suddenly I saw him come in, the second I saw him I started to feel not so hot. He saw me and came straight up to me, he told me that he knows I'm really mad, and I asked him if we could go outside and talk.

We ended up sitting on the stairs of a house near the bar. I told him more or less what I wrote here just a couple of paragraphs ago and that I just was really disappointed and that I deserved at least to hear from him, even if he decided that it's enough.

He was cute as always and said some things that I couldn't argue with, besides apologizing and saying that he was been selfish, he said that we spent a lot of time together, that we are both getting attached and he knew I was going to leave him in less then a week and probably never see him again and he didn't want to get hurt any more then he already will just by me leaving.

I know it's also selfish on my part, because this has no future and I'm just coming to have fun and enjoy myself and move on, so I could completely understand him. I got emotional in that conversation, and I think that was around the first time that I knew I had feelings for someone who was a good guy and good to me.

We decided to spend the last couple of days together and we did, he still made an effort, even though things did change after everything that happened, but he did try, but at that point it was just a feeling that he is trying to be with me, but worrying about not getting hurt at the same time. He still came after work and still spent a couple of nights.

After that talk I even showed some PDA with him, walking to my hotel, nothing huge, but something I hadn't done before.

He didn't want to stay and spend that last night with me, and I understood. I saw he was feeling it was getting to be too much and I was feeling just the same. It was a really sad goodbye and a real emotional one for me, not in the sense that I showed it, but I was just feeling a lot of emotions inside and so was he.

It was hard for him to leave and it was hard for me to let him go, we decided that we would stay in touch and maybe see each other again, We even had a long talk before I got on the plane to go home.

Since I got home it's been difficult for me, I know we can't be in touch. I want to, but it hurts me, I'm happy when we talk, but after that I really miss him and I have to understand his situation. He can and needs to meet other guys and move on with his life and me calling or wanting to be in touch would just make that unfair towards him.

So as much as it hurts me, we stopped being in touch. If i'm being honest, it's one of the most difficult things I had to deal with, I really really miss him and I have been quite down since I got back home.

I know he really liked me and I felt and feel the same, but it doesn't matter, cause no matter how I try to spin it, there is no way we can spend more than a couple of weeks a year together, at best, and that surely isn't fair for him.

I have been trying to put all of myself into the basketball and into getting ready for the next season. When I don't, I think about him and think about all of the situation and that it was the first time I actually had something meaningful with a special guy, even if it was short, it was the first time it meant something both for me and for the other guy.

I guess life goes on and eventually I will move on, not too much I can do anyhow, but in all of this, even though i'm feeling like shit now, I know I can feel great about the change in me and my ability to meet guys who deserve me and I deserve him. I haven't figured out yet if all this emotion is because of just him, or because of everything that happened and the knowledge that i'm not doomed and good times my still be waiting for me.

So that's my summer story, I couldn't hold it in for two more months, so I decided to share, I will be happy to hear anything you have to say and enjoy the rest of your summer.

P.S - Almost forgot, Great news about NY and gay marriage, I was so happy, I followed it very closely and read a lot about that matter. Not sure I will get married there, but so happy for those who want to do it and never got the chance until now.

It rocks!!!!!!

Down The Road

So, it's that time again, another post to deliver :).

I had the chance to receive an interesting email this past week, from a guy who stumbled across my blog.

Besides being a really nice guy he also has MS, a disease that from the little I know doesn't have a cure, and hits you without
a warning and basically changes your life, from your daily routine to other things that you might not be able to do anymore.

The most interesting thing was to hear from him staying optimistic, smiling and taking the best of everyday and what life has to offer.

Of course he has a lot of positive things in life and I'm not trying to say that the disease defines him or should prevent him from doing anything he wishes, I just admire the optimism and the beautiful look on life, his partner and his cute dog.

I guess a lot of times all of us go through life dealing with our little problems and after we hear about things like this we look at things differently. We give those things a couple of minutes and a part of our day, things that hit home harder than any small thing that bothers us, but I know that after those couple of minutes we go back to dealing with our life.

This is reality and we first of all and almost always look only upon ourselves, and I guess in some way that's what nature intended for us.

He also brought up a interesting question during our conversation, what would happen if I meet Mr. right down the road while playing basketball.

First of all, as for now, I'm not doing anything that might make that possible, so unless someone comes up to me in the street and wants to date me, then I think it won't be happening any time soon.

If I look farther away then surely it's a possibility, what would I do? that's a good question, I know it will be problematic since there is no way we could live together, since I don't see anyone thinking that a basketball player taking up a roommate is something that makes sense.

Meeting wise, I'm sure it will be OK and that's never a problem, but I know that it depends a lot of that person, cause I wouldn't be able to give him a lot of things. If that's going out together, been seen in public, acknowledging any kind of relationship, I know some guys are built for that and some aren't.

I have to admit that like anyone I do wish it would happen. I know that I put basketball above my personal needs in the romantic field, and I do wish I had company and do wish I had someone to share things with.

Maybe lady luck will through something at me, in the meanwhile I will try to enjoy the gift that I got and that's been able to play pro basketball.

I'm sure everyone is waiting for the weekend to start, so hope you have a good one.

Don't Ask, But We Can Tell

Hey Again

Like I say from time to time, it's not always easy to find a important subject to talk about or something worth while.

A lot of things happen everyday, some more important, some less, but I guess what happens to us is always the most important.

I always tried to notice how human nature is always stronger than anything else, I mean we are all devastated every time something horrible happens.

Whether it's a accident, a natural disaster or anything of the sort, but after sometime we just go back to our own life, our own "big problems" and forget about the other things that were just on our mind.

It's as natural as can be, I remember a lot of times that I thought to myself after an event like that just happened that something might change in me, or the way I look at things.

That it might get me to do something differently, but after a couple of days or just a couple of hours I go back to living my life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is us as human beings, we live our life and anything that's related to us is more important than anything else.

I think this is basically the only way we can go on with our life, other wise we would be depressed and worried and trying to cope with every disaster and every injustice that happens in the world, guess there are just too many of them to handle.

On the gay subject, there is nothing new to report on my love life, JK, but I have been reading lately a little about the don't ask don't tell policy issue.

Without going to much into the policy itself which of course is also something for a long discussion, I can't understand the thought or the need to ban gay's from serving in the army.

I mean if they go into the line of duty and if they fight in wars along side other soldiers what the hell does it matter if they are gay or not?.

People are people and if someone is qualified to be a soldier, to fight along side others, to save life's and to be the one responsible for another man's life, how could it matter what sexual preference does he have?

Is anyone trying to say that if a guy likes other guys he won't be able to do what's necessary in the line of duty?. Won't be able to save a life if needed?

Are his sacrifices, his life that's on the line, his parents that will lose a son they spent their whole life raising if something happens not equal to a straight soldier's life? does his blood have a different color? does his family have different Morales? it's just that he has different sexual preferences and that's all there is to it.

No one can tell me or tell anyone for that matter that gay man aren't as qualified as straight man to be soldiers, to be fighters and to defend their country and their fellow man, but I guess like in many other situations stereotypes and dark opinions are the one's who lead the way in America of today or of the past years.

I read that around 13,500 people of been dismissed from the army on the grounds of being gay. I hope that president Obama will get the ball ruling on things and that changes will be made.

People that want to fight for their country should have the right to do so and to do it will not hiding their selves and who they are, they need to have the chance to be "Proud" soldiers, whether gay or straight.

Of course they don't need to worry that if someone finds out they will be discharged, instead they just need to have the right to chose how to live their life and who they want to share that life with.

The song this time just came up very quickly :)

A vacation in a foreign land
Uncle Sam does the best he can
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now

Now you remember what the draftsman said
Nothing to do all day but stay in bed
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now

You be the hero of the neighborhood
Nobody knows that you left for good
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now

Smiling faces as you wait to land
But once you get there no one gives a damn
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now

Hand grenades flying over your head
Missiles flying over your head
If you want to survive get out of bed
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now

The Meaning Of Life

Hey again, feeling like I have a lot to share lately, so I'm just going for it.

The title seems real serious and a major issue, I don't know what will come of it, didn't give it much thought before, guess you will find out together with me as this post goes on.

Sometimes when I have some free time to sit down and think, I have serious thoughts, not always, but today was one of them. The first thing that came to mind is that we all get one chance in life.

I'm not religious and don't believe in anything special , but the fact is that we only get one go at it down here, what happens after? no one knows.

That fact is connected to my secret, even though I believe that it connects to everyone, all of us have a short amount of time to do what ever we decided to do with our life, I was thinking that maybe tomorrow morning I will just wake up and do what ever I want.

Go out and hit on guys, have sex with the first guy i see, go out and party all night, stop carrying what people say or think, if they love me or not, stop been nice because i have to.

Got to Stop lying to people because I got to, stop looking for peoples affection and love and stop giving a fuck what anyone thinks.

When I Think rationally I think all of us want to be appreciated and loved, I don't think it's something we control, I think it's something that controls us, all of us after all want to feel good about ourselves and to be wanted.

I mean maybe just to stop living in the bounders and the norms that society and other people expect from me and from us, do what I want when I want and as often as I want. If people won't like it, it's their problem not mine.

Hack, we are all going to die in the end, do I want to go through life with a secret? not telling anyone and not doing anything with it just to please others and just to be liked or accepted?.

I also remember that when I was just starting to deal with been gay I looked for love first from others because I was still homophobic and couldn't find it inside me so I looked out.

Though with time I think I improved in that area deeply,but still got ways to go, I can only say the following : " If you don't love yourself how can you expect others to do it?"

So when I wrote the meaning of life, I don't know if it means just living life to the fullest and just do whatever we want, or does it mean that my life meaning is playing basketball to the best of my ability until it's time to move on. Then when times come to live my life, or is it years wasted hiding the real me.

Then comes the part when I bounce back to reality and understand that the sacrifices I'm making every day gives me the best answer to which path is the one I'm following.

That my life meaning for now is playing basketball and trying to reach as far as I can, and once that part is over my meaning will change and I will move on to other things.

All in all i can just say that there are days that I'm jealous and I admire those who just don't give a damn about anything and do what ever they want and feel.

At other times I'm happy that at least I'm doing something that makes me happy and feel good with myself. Even if means other things have to wait,

Well, in some odd way I can say that it doesn't really matter what I think, it matters what I do, and last time I checked it was bball....

In a perfect world I could do both, but sadly enough last time I opened the window nothing was perfect...

Guess that's it for now, enjoy the last day of your weekend....Unless anyone has a boyfriend to offer me :)

P.S - My blog reading career is at it's prime, I'm just not stopping. HB9 I would be happy to get the link to your old blog, In an email or what ever works for you, if you don't mind of course.....