It's Guest Time

Hey everyone, as some of you recommended before, I'm still trying to write from time to time.

It's been an interesting couple of months. Last time I wrote that I more or less gave up on the guy I met in the summer and that I never heard back. I actually heard from his roommate a couple of days later, she encouraged me to try again and not to give up.

We started texting again, but it was also on and off and I felt that it's not going anywhere. I decided to text him that I did everything I can, that I want him to come visit, that I will take care of the plane ticket and the other things, but he needs to decide what he wants.

I told him that any answer is fine and I will still think about him even if he decides not to come, but I need to know. He surprised me and told me that he wants to come. I told him that once we decide on the dates I will take care of everything.

Since that moment the on and off communication stopped and we talked almost everyday, there were some moments when I think he was a little nervous about taking time off from work with rent and bills and all the other things that every normal person deals with, but for the most time everything was going fine.

As the time for him to come got closer I became nervous and I wasn't really sure if he would make it or not, just because of our history and my need to worry. In the end he landed, it was really weird, or maybe overwhelming is the better word. I picked him up from the airport and was just a great feeling to see him.

He spent a little more then a week here, we went out to movies, to dinners, to clubs, site seeing, what ever we had time and energy to do. It was the first time I ever had someone live with me, even if it's just for a week, it was great and more fun than I could ever imagine.

We got to know each other some more, it was almost a year between his visit and the last time we met. And after all we are just getting to know each other. It was fun to kiss in the club or just sneak a kiss in the street when not too many people are around. The feeling in general was just great, I was really one happy camper.

We talked about the future and what were our options, as for now we decided to spend the summer together. I think I will fly out to him this time, and probably spend a large part of the summer over there.

As for now, it's been some time since he has left and the feeling is awful, we both really miss each other and have a hard time handling the fact that we can't really see each other. I'm really feeling it, it's just a terrible feeling and there is nothing I can do. I hope we will be able to stay in touch and manage to pass the time until the summer.

At the moment it just hurts and i'm guessing that he feels the same, but only time will tell. All in all it was great, but the after part is really hard, specially when we don't really know what we can do about it after the summer will be over, but will take it step by step.

Me being gay isn't really a issue to me anymore, I have told some of the staff members on my team, everyone was happy for me and they were happy I shared the news with them and that I trusted them. I think a long with going out and letting some people know, the rumors will come out by themselves, but I don't really mind. If I will be back here next year I guess it won't really be a secret anymore.

I feel great that I reached the stage that I feel comfortable to share the news with friends and co workers. It was important for me to also share the news with you guys, the same friends that I have had since I started the blog and have helped me out through some tough times.

So thanks again and have a great weekend.

Party Machine

Well, I took your advice and decided to write just when I felt like it. So a lot has happened since the last time I sat down to write.

I will begin with my friend overseas, I told you that I tried to reach him a couple of times and through different places but got no answers. I figured out that I don't really have too much left to do, but just leave it and face that nothing is going to happen.

After a couple of days his roommate answered a message I wrote her, I had written the message almost two weeks earlier. I knew that they were really good friends so I wanted to hear what she has to say. She talked about the fact that he really cares about me and only has good things to say and that he is had his issues in the past and I shouldn't give up.

I thought about it and texted him a couple of days later that I want to talk and asked for him to text me when he has time to talk, he did do that when he finished work. It was after I had a game that same night and it was around 6 am my time. We talked for about an hour and a half, about everything, about him coming to visit me next month, about spending the summer together and those kind of things. It was a great conversation and it gave me a good feeling.

He said that he will text me the following day and will start looking at dates and to plan his visit, he didn't text that following day, he did text something the next day, but at that point I knew that nothing is really going to happen in the story, besides me getting disappointing over and over again.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of days and I decided that i'm not going to try and reach out to him anymore, he texted me this morning, while I was sleeping, I replied when I woke up, but again, it's just one of those situations that I hear from him once or twice in two weeks and that's not for me, at least not right now, even though I truly miss him.

Besides that I have been going out a lot over here, been out like four times this week, it was really fun, danced and enjoyed myself, met a nice guy, had a cup of coffee with him, just nice ordinary things, I guess something that most of just do on a regular base, so it was nice.

When I first started going out I had a couple of great games that followed, so that was nice and also gave me a good feeling about everything, however the last two games weren't as good, which is always disspointing, but I had a feeling that I had passed a certain barrier that would allow me to play better and feel better and it's a little hard to deal with the fact that it's still not what I believe it can be, but I guess nothing came easy until now, so there is no reason for things to change.

Thanks again and have a nice week

Going Out

Well, I really didn't think I would be doing this again, but sometimes we do things we didn't plan.

I felt I had to write this, both because of me and also because of you that followed me through the last couple of years.

About a month ago, which is around the time I decided to stop writing the blog I decided also to start going out and live my life. I decided not to talk about it, not to come out in a formal way, but just to start living my life and to see what happens.

I went out to my first party a couple of weeks ago, I walked into a place in the middle of the week, and it was kind of empty, the good thing about it was that I didn't feel any pressure and I wasn't really nervous doing it. I was surprised and happy with that feeling.

After seeing that it was kind of empty, I decided to go to another pub that I read about, not really knowing what to expect. I came in there and it was quite full, but was also nice, I found a corner to stand in and just watch a little bit and enjoy the atmosphere and everything around it. After a couple of hours I went home with a smile and a nice feeling.

The funny thing was that just before I left I went to the bathroom and when I came out some guy yelled my name, I smiled and continued to walk out the door, not feeling nervous or anything of the sort.

I got back home and continued my week as usual, the week after I read about another party, so I took the day off that we had and went over there, it was real nice, good music, some cute guys, some not as cute. I got hit on by a couple of guys, talked to a nice guy, danced, drank some water ( that's me going all crazy) and headed back home.

Of course on the way out, someone mentioned my name, but I didn't really care. I was in a good mood and I was starting to live life, a couple of days later I was shocked. I finished practice and went to the locker room, when I got there I checked my phone and saw that the guy from my summer vacation added me on Facebook and messaged me that he really misses me and asked if we can talk.

I really had missed him and it was so long that I didn't think I would hear from him. I called him and we talked, also about also meeting again, we exchanged texts for a couple of days and I was in a good mood, couldn't really believe all that was going on.

After a couple of days of talking and texting we kind of hit a dead end, again same problems as before, the fact that we don't even live in the same continent or that we can't see each other more than two months in a year, he started pulling away and I put too much pressure on him at the same time.

I didn't hear from him for a day or two, I tried texting, face booking or what not, but I didn't hear back, It was and it's still really hard on me. I tried to catch him three different times, but didn't hear back, so I gave up, I know that I might of pushed too much, but it was just because I was so excited to hear from him.

It's funny that we still are Facebook friends and I can see him online from time to time, it's hard for me not to message him, but I got to respect his wishes I guess. It would have been nicer to hear him say something, but I guess I don't always accept that each one does things differently and I'm not the center of the world and can't always get my way.

I'm still going out around once or twice a week, depends on our schedule and all the things around the team, i'm still having fun, getting hit on and just enjoying the change in my life. I'm passed the stage of the hookups, so I'm not really looking for it anymore, if someone really special comes along maybe I wouldn't mind starting there and seeing where it would go from there.

Last time out I met another nice guy, we talked until the early hours of the morning and we might meet later this week again, I don't really know what to make of it or think about this whole situation, but we will see.

I also don't know exactly how I would deal with a relationship, I mean, I don't have a problem being seen with a guy or going out on dates, it's time for me to live my life, but I don't know how I will cope with a relationship and trusting myself with someone else, after all the years that I was alone.

As for coming out, It might hit the gossip columns eventually, or at least a hint about it,  but for now I don't care, I don't feel like I need to shout it to the rooftops, but rather just live my life, maybe later on I will do the shouting part also, but only time will tell.

It's weird that I was in such a great mood since all this started, but the last couple of days haven't been as good, it's been real difficult. Only because after hearing from the guy that I met in the summer after all this time and now losing connection with him again made me feel so much worse than just missing him. I haven't completely given up on him, I hope he calls or texts, but for now I just give him the space that I guess he needs.

Well, that was what I wanted to tell everyone, hope all of you are doing well.

Enjoy the weekend.

Time To Say Goodbye

Hey everyone, hope you are enjoying your weekend and that the weather is not too bad.

I haven’t written in the last ten days, so better late than never. I’m doing well, feeling good with where I’m going in my personal and pro career. I mean there hasn’t been any major change in the last two weeks, but I just feel that my life is going in the right direction. Not sure if it will get there in a year or more, but I have a feeling it will.

I have been thinking about my blog and where does it go from here. I remember starting this blog as a frightened man, someone who didn’t know where his life would go and being afraid to a certain point to get in touch with other gay men and have a real conversation, even if it’s an online one.

However this blog changed everything, I found new friends and I found people to share my life with. While it wasn’t with my identity or too many details, I had the chance to write what I really felt and be accepted for it.

When I started the blog I was just at the start of my development as a person and as a gay man and this blog walked me through it, through meeting new people and hearing from others and reading about their personal stories and their life’s wisdom.

Two years later, with 112 posts on my belt, 135 followers and a lot of new internet friends I feel that the goal that I started this blog for was reached. I can never really know when it’s time to stop and when I should call it a day, but my heart tells me that it’s around here somewhere, in the winter air.

What I do know that it will be hard for me to stop posting and I will miss the comments and people’s opinions, but I do know that nothing in life is ever final, besides death of course, but luckily we are talking about positive things.

I might miss it so much that I will get back to writing, but for now I just feel that I put my heart into this blog , shared my feelings and my worries, my hopes and even my dreams and I fulfilled my “mission” and the reason I started this blog for.

I do know one thing for certain; I will still check my email every morning, and I will still be more than happy to get new emails and to hear from all my friends and all the people that I met through this blog and because of this blog. I might sometimes get back to you after a couple of days and not straight away, but believe me that I will always be reading.

To say even more, I would be very happy if people that just commented on the blog or just read and do feel like they want to keep in touch in some sort of way will do it through my email, which is just to remind everyone : anonymous.baller20@gmail.com

Before I call it a day, I just really want to thank each and every one of you that read the blog, commented on it, or just passed by on the way. It means a great deal to me and it was the thing that kept me going in bad days, the notion that I always had the blog to turn to and people to tell my
stories to.

So I guess this is goodbye for now, thanks again for everything and have a great weekend.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

Hey everyone, hope everyone is enjoying the week.

I know that I had a smile on my face after I saw the final result of the Broncos and Patriots game, finally a couple of weeks and months without reading about Tebow and his cult.

I also read somewhere that CBS ran another focus on the family add during Tebow's game this past Saturday. I don't really have anything to add, besides being disgusted with what this group represents and the backing that Tebow and his family give this anti-gay group.

Besides that I saw a small article on ESPN, where the Chief of German soccer calls for gay soccer players to come out, interesting to hear his opinion on the subject.

I actually wanted to go back and talk to you a little about my last summer and what has happened since. I wrote about the great guy I met over the summer and spent a couple of weeks with and what happened after.

The fact that we lost touch and basically we both felt it would be too hard to keep in touch, not because of lack of ways to communicate, but that it would just hurt too much to be away and be and touch will we aren't able to see each other at all.

Anyway I never stopped thinking about him, but it wasn't too painful, just the memories and the good times and the first time that I really felt a guy really wanted me, I mean wanted me for who I really am, for a relationship and to spend time together, and not just for sex, because of my outer appearance.

Anyhow, the time moved on and I continued with my life and last month, as I wrote and asked for your advice on the blog, the guy had a birthday, I was thinking back and forth about sending him a message, should I do it, or should I not. In the end I decided to send him a message on facebook, just a short happy birthday.

I didn't hear back, to be honest, I didn't really thing I would. I know I hurt him, not intentionally and not by doing something mean, but just by "showing up" in his life and leaving.

I remember that the first night we spent together he didn't have any idea as to my personal life and I didn't tell him when I was leaving, because I wasn't sure how I feel about him. Something that when I look back means that it was something healthy, because it wasn't just a five minute crush.

Anyway, I was doing OK, feeling a little lonely, but nothing out of the ordinary after not hearing back, but in the last couple of days I'm just going crazy. I mean, I just really really miss him, I know I can't do anything about it now or maybe in general, but it just hurts. I check his facebook page once in a while, even though I don't like the profile picture, LOL.

I know it would just be mean to try to contact him and I don't really have any great news to tell him. Even if I was out we don't even live in the same continent, so the best I can offer him his two months a year? Doesn’t sound like a great deal to me, but what do I know.

I haven't even decided about the summer, if I will try to see him again or not. I really want to, but I don't really think anything good will come out of it, so it might just be a lose lose situation. I have enough time to think about it and see what the day will bring and how I will feel as time goes by.

For now I have my thoughts and memories and all the days when I just really miss being with someone like that same guy I met in the summer. I'm sure it will happen again; in the meanwhile it just hurts.

Enjoy your week my friends…

In Good And In Bad

Hey everyone, hope the new year is treating you well.

As for me, was a busy time, but now things are more relaxed so I have more time for my baby, this blog that is.

So, what about Tebow? this thing just doesn't want to end ah? I watched the whole game last Sunday, I was really surprised that the Steelers made it all the way back, but then they lost in the begining of OT. That was just too much for me, I hope that Brady gets the job done this weekend and will finally have some quite time and no more Tebow for a couple of months.

Besides that, well, I'm waiting for the summer, it's been like 6-7 months since I have gone out to a gay bar, party or whatever, let alone met a guy, so I have only five more months to wait, doesn't sounds that bad, does it? I know it does, but that's life, waiting for the summer, to go all crazy, go out, have fun, eat unhealthy, I think that his year I will take a longer vacation, about time.

I remember talking about this subject a long time ago, but I will put more emphasis on it this time. We all have our jobs and we all get paid for it, we go into work when we don't feel like and when we do, because it's our job and that's what ordinary people do, but in my profession, I feel a lot of times that people don't see it that way or think about it in that matter.

I mean, we have a lot of fans that come to games and expect us to preform well, no one knows what has happened before, how things are in the team, how people feel, who has had a bad couple of days and who hasn't. It's like we are a blank page when we come to games, we are just people that need to get things done no matter what.

I mean, I love basketball and it's my life, but it's hard to explain to people, and that's what i'm trying to do now. There are times when it's a nightmare, I mean it's fun to be a part of a team, to succeed, to be loved by the fans and to enjoy practices and meetings and trips and all of that.

There is no basketball player in the world that will tell you that when he is doing good it isn't a great feeling, even if the team is losing and things of that nature when you play good everything looks brighter. Sometimes you hide it because you don't want people to think you are only thinking about yourself which is true in most of the cases, but not the right thing to say image wise.

However there is the other side, the side when you don't play, you don't like your teammates, the fans aren't to great and the situation in general sucks, that's the problem. It happens to everyone, i'm happy to say that it has barely happened to me, but no one can escape it completely.

You come to practice and just wait to go home already, you count the minutes and the seconds, when the games come and you barely play it really hurts you inside, at least it hurts me, can't speak for others, and at that point no money can make me feel better.

I never go home and say, well at least I make good money so that's all that matters. I'm lucky to be doing the thing I love the most, so when that thing becomes cruel it's really hard to deal with, we can try to change it, but sometimes there are just seasons that everything goes in the wrong direction and it's a hard things to accept.

The thing that is the hardest for me is the way that that feeling carries on to my life. When things are good and i'm playing and playing well, everything is much brighter and happier and i'm feeling good and enjoying life more, but when things go opposite it becomes a battle just to find anything to hold onto and pass the days with. It sounds a little harsh and it's not, i'm just trying to explain the big difference that basketball can have on my life. I guess it's a gift, but sometimes it can also be a curse.

In the end of the day I feel lucky to do what I love and to get paid for it, it's just that people sometimes tend to forget that we, just like everyone else have our bad days and our bad periods and that it just happens, just like it happens in any job and to any person. I guess that when people pay for something they expect results and don't really care about anything else, surely not the person and his feelings, guess you can't blame them, can you?

Enjoy the weekend my friends.

2012

Hey everyone, been a long time since we last spoke, all the way back to 2011 I’m guessing. I'm sure I impressed you with my sense of humor.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed last night, whether it was with their love ones, or partying or just hanging out with some friends. As for me, I was at home, didn't feel like going out and don't really enjoy the company of too many people lately. I mean, I just rather not fake everything then go out and be with people that I don't have too much in common with, or don't really interest me.

I'm not trying to say that I only care about guys ore sex or things of that nature, it's just that I’m tired of the girl talk and all those things that are really the last thing that I want to hear about. I have to admit that this last week was a lonely one, I mean, I’m usually lonely, but in the last couple of days I felt it stronger than usual, it's just a bad feeling all around, I try to remind myself that this is the situation right now and there is nothing I can really do about it.

So OK, we moved on to 2012, what does the future hold for us? Well, down the line we have the elections. I have to admit that I really hope Obama will win again, just because he has done a lot for the LGBT community. While on the other side sit a bunch of morons, at least that's how they sound to me, and talk about trying to preserve the natural family, all that bullshit that them and Tim Tebow spend their time wasting on, instead of actually trying to do anything useful.

As for me, I was actually thinking about bringing up the subject of how the game you have week in and week out effects your mood, or in this case my mood, and just that we all forget that it's a game and It becomes pretty much a matter of life and death, but I will save that for next time.

I usually don't make lists or think too much about what each year will bring and what will change in my life. This year I didn't write anything either, but I had a different feeling this year, can't really explain it. It's not really related, but Saturday I decided to really clean my house and make it ready for 2012, I mean, I just went at it, so at least the house looks all nice and pretty for the New Year.

As for myself, like I said, I don't know what the future will bring, but I'm certain or almost certain that I had enough of being alone. I don't mean that I’m going to come out tomorrow and tell everyone that I’m gay, BUT I think I need to find a way to live my life, maybe without telling every person on this planet, but maybe just try to go out and find the balance.

I'm guessing that if people in the country I played here knew, it would make some kind of headlines, on the other hand, I’m not sure that journalists and websites will look to out someone who doesn't want to be. I haven't played this out in my mind too much, but I have played with and against a couple of players that I knew we’re gay and so did the media, but no one wrote about it or mentioned it in anyway, but again, it's just things that are running through my mind.

I just know that the last couple of days that I felt alone to the point that it just hurt was enough for me. It might take time and might not be next week or even in the next 9-10 months, but I know next year come December 31, 2012 I’m going to be either with my BF at home or going out on a date with someone, somewhere, at least I strongly believe in it.

For the rest of you, I just want to wish everyone a great new year. That you enjoy it, find happiness, love and joy. I just truly hope that everyone can go to sleep with a smile on their face for the majority of this year and the rest of their life. I know it sounds catchy and even border line naive, but I do believe that in the end of the day that's one of the greatest things in life, the possibility to lay back in bed and look on the day we had or a couple of hours that we spent with someone special and just smile about it and embrace it.

Before I say goodbye for tonight, I want to share a clip with you, I’m not sure how many of you saw it, but for those who didn't I recommend you do so. This is a clip of a young boy who passed away last week. He made this clip a week before his death; this reminds me that we should be thankful for waking up in the morning and just being alive. I know we never think of it or appreciate it, but sometimes a clip like this can remind all of us how lucky we are. I might not agree with the end of the clip, but I accept that everyone has his beliefs and is entitled to them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35O3E3T3GKQ&feature=share

So again, Happy new year and all the best to all of you, my friends, where ever you are reading this from.