Well, I really didn't think I would be doing this again, but sometimes we do things we didn't plan.
I felt I had to write this, both because of me and also because of you that followed me through the last couple of years.
About a month ago, which is around the time I decided to stop writing the blog I decided also to start going out and live my life. I decided not to talk about it, not to come out in a formal way, but just to start living my life and to see what happens.
I went out to my first party a couple of weeks ago, I walked into a place in the middle of the week, and it was kind of empty, the good thing about it was that I didn't feel any pressure and I wasn't really nervous doing it. I was surprised and happy with that feeling.
After seeing that it was kind of empty, I decided to go to another pub that I read about, not really knowing what to expect. I came in there and it was quite full, but was also nice, I found a corner to stand in and just watch a little bit and enjoy the atmosphere and everything around it. After a couple of hours I went home with a smile and a nice feeling.
The funny thing was that just before I left I went to the bathroom and when I came out some guy yelled my name, I smiled and continued to walk out the door, not feeling nervous or anything of the sort.
I got back home and continued my week as usual, the week after I read about another party, so I took the day off that we had and went over there, it was real nice, good music, some cute guys, some not as cute. I got hit on by a couple of guys, talked to a nice guy, danced, drank some water ( that's me going all crazy) and headed back home.
Of course on the way out, someone mentioned my name, but I didn't really care. I was in a good mood and I was starting to live life, a couple of days later I was shocked. I finished practice and went to the locker room, when I got there I checked my phone and saw that the guy from my summer vacation added me on Facebook and messaged me that he really misses me and asked if we can talk.
I really had missed him and it was so long that I didn't think I would hear from him. I called him and we talked, also about also meeting again, we exchanged texts for a couple of days and I was in a good mood, couldn't really believe all that was going on.
After a couple of days of talking and texting we kind of hit a dead end, again same problems as before, the fact that we don't even live in the same continent or that we can't see each other more than two months in a year, he started pulling away and I put too much pressure on him at the same time.
I didn't hear from him for a day or two, I tried texting, face booking or what not, but I didn't hear back, It was and it's still really hard on me. I tried to catch him three different times, but didn't hear back, so I gave up, I know that I might of pushed too much, but it was just because I was so excited to hear from him.
It's funny that we still are Facebook friends and I can see him online from time to time, it's hard for me not to message him, but I got to respect his wishes I guess. It would have been nicer to hear him say something, but I guess I don't always accept that each one does things differently and I'm not the center of the world and can't always get my way.
I'm still going out around once or twice a week, depends on our schedule and all the things around the team, i'm still having fun, getting hit on and just enjoying the change in my life. I'm passed the stage of the hookups, so I'm not really looking for it anymore, if someone really special comes along maybe I wouldn't mind starting there and seeing where it would go from there.
Last time out I met another nice guy, we talked until the early hours of the morning and we might meet later this week again, I don't really know what to make of it or think about this whole situation, but we will see.
I also don't know exactly how I would deal with a relationship, I mean, I don't have a problem being seen with a guy or going out on dates, it's time for me to live my life, but I don't know how I will cope with a relationship and trusting myself with someone else, after all the years that I was alone.
As for coming out, It might hit the gossip columns eventually, or at least a hint about it, but for now I don't care, I don't feel like I need to shout it to the rooftops, but rather just live my life, maybe later on I will do the shouting part also, but only time will tell.
It's weird that I was in such a great mood since all this started, but the last couple of days haven't been as good, it's been real difficult. Only because after hearing from the guy that I met in the summer after all this time and now losing connection with him again made me feel so much worse than just missing him. I haven't completely given up on him, I hope he calls or texts, but for now I just give him the space that I guess he needs.
Well, that was what I wanted to tell everyone, hope all of you are doing well.
Enjoy the weekend.
I felt I had to write this, both because of me and also because of you that followed me through the last couple of years.
About a month ago, which is around the time I decided to stop writing the blog I decided also to start going out and live my life. I decided not to talk about it, not to come out in a formal way, but just to start living my life and to see what happens.
I went out to my first party a couple of weeks ago, I walked into a place in the middle of the week, and it was kind of empty, the good thing about it was that I didn't feel any pressure and I wasn't really nervous doing it. I was surprised and happy with that feeling.
After seeing that it was kind of empty, I decided to go to another pub that I read about, not really knowing what to expect. I came in there and it was quite full, but was also nice, I found a corner to stand in and just watch a little bit and enjoy the atmosphere and everything around it. After a couple of hours I went home with a smile and a nice feeling.
The funny thing was that just before I left I went to the bathroom and when I came out some guy yelled my name, I smiled and continued to walk out the door, not feeling nervous or anything of the sort.
I got back home and continued my week as usual, the week after I read about another party, so I took the day off that we had and went over there, it was real nice, good music, some cute guys, some not as cute. I got hit on by a couple of guys, talked to a nice guy, danced, drank some water ( that's me going all crazy) and headed back home.
Of course on the way out, someone mentioned my name, but I didn't really care. I was in a good mood and I was starting to live life, a couple of days later I was shocked. I finished practice and went to the locker room, when I got there I checked my phone and saw that the guy from my summer vacation added me on Facebook and messaged me that he really misses me and asked if we can talk.
I really had missed him and it was so long that I didn't think I would hear from him. I called him and we talked, also about also meeting again, we exchanged texts for a couple of days and I was in a good mood, couldn't really believe all that was going on.
After a couple of days of talking and texting we kind of hit a dead end, again same problems as before, the fact that we don't even live in the same continent or that we can't see each other more than two months in a year, he started pulling away and I put too much pressure on him at the same time.
I didn't hear from him for a day or two, I tried texting, face booking or what not, but I didn't hear back, It was and it's still really hard on me. I tried to catch him three different times, but didn't hear back, so I gave up, I know that I might of pushed too much, but it was just because I was so excited to hear from him.
It's funny that we still are Facebook friends and I can see him online from time to time, it's hard for me not to message him, but I got to respect his wishes I guess. It would have been nicer to hear him say something, but I guess I don't always accept that each one does things differently and I'm not the center of the world and can't always get my way.
I'm still going out around once or twice a week, depends on our schedule and all the things around the team, i'm still having fun, getting hit on and just enjoying the change in my life. I'm passed the stage of the hookups, so I'm not really looking for it anymore, if someone really special comes along maybe I wouldn't mind starting there and seeing where it would go from there.
Last time out I met another nice guy, we talked until the early hours of the morning and we might meet later this week again, I don't really know what to make of it or think about this whole situation, but we will see.
I also don't know exactly how I would deal with a relationship, I mean, I don't have a problem being seen with a guy or going out on dates, it's time for me to live my life, but I don't know how I will cope with a relationship and trusting myself with someone else, after all the years that I was alone.
As for coming out, It might hit the gossip columns eventually, or at least a hint about it, but for now I don't care, I don't feel like I need to shout it to the rooftops, but rather just live my life, maybe later on I will do the shouting part also, but only time will tell.
It's weird that I was in such a great mood since all this started, but the last couple of days haven't been as good, it's been real difficult. Only because after hearing from the guy that I met in the summer after all this time and now losing connection with him again made me feel so much worse than just missing him. I haven't completely given up on him, I hope he calls or texts, but for now I just give him the space that I guess he needs.
Well, that was what I wanted to tell everyone, hope all of you are doing well.
Enjoy the weekend.
Glad you came back. Instead of leaving why not just post random updates. I noticed you wrote a lot, which means you like having an outlet. If sooner rather then later you are going to be outed by the gossip rags, don't you think it would be nice to have a place to express yourself? :) wishing you the best.
ReplyDeletePS. Mike helped me also. The Real World.
It was nice reading your stories again. Enjoy life. TC :D
ReplyDeleteGood for you but sorry you're having trouble meeting someone special. It'll happen but maybe when you're not moving around so much. You're such a decent quality guy someone would be crazy not to snap you up. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteGood thing that I can get some ideas from this blog/article.
ReplyDeleteI echo Anon #1. Just post randomly. Your life is clearly changing and presumably for the better. We want to know how you are doing. Good luck with living your life, being authentic and letting the chips fall wherever.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations! It sucks that things have cooled off so abruptly with vacation guy, but I'm glad that there are other conversations and meetings going on, and that you've been having such a comfortable transition into being you 'full-time'. And I agree with the others - post when you want to, stay quiet when you don't.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading some of your posts lately....I need to start from the beginning and read them all. I am much older than you and have been out a long time, but I find what you write about very familiar. Not that I have lived a similar life. I came to appreciate being gay in high school and was very out by the time I was 20. But growing up in the gay community back in the late 70's early 80's we were part of a small rather tight-knit world and we all had our stories...our coming out stories, our boyfriend stories, the ones that didn't work out and the ones that never should have....lol. I met a lot of people like you. I'm sure things will be a bit more difficult for you, especially your not being able to put down roots at the moment. But do try to appreciate all that you are going through right now, and if you truly want a relationship then take it seriously. Not that you can't have good times with people, but with the ones you think are worth making an effort for.....well, make the effort. There are a lot of crazies out there and it's important to realize that and move on. (And I don't necessarily mean scary crazy, just sometimes you find yourself dealing with someone's problems that have nothing to do with the relationship you are actually having.) It's one thing to be there to help someone with their problems, quite another to have to DEAL with their problems. No one should do that to you. And you should be careful not to play games with them....and be aware what games you might play. They should be there to support you but not be a punching bag for your issues.
ReplyDeleteI just deleted several sentences I just wrote as I realized I was starting to give you some unsolicited advice and I always hate it when I do that. I don't look at what I wrote up top as being advice, but sorry if you feel that it is. But start enjoying things more! lol..... It can be a wonderful, fascinating ride if you want it to be.