Saturday, February 26, 2011

A Special Trip - Part Four

Hey Again

Back to the story:

I waited for him to text or call me in the last day so we could meet up, I knew he had to work late so I was patient and waited, didn't want to hassle and call or text, since I was the last one checking what’s up for tonight.

The time passed on and he didn't call, I was in my hotel and I was waiting, not to mention that since I started meeting him every day I stopped going out to clubs and bars, something that usually doesn't happen to me during vacation, guess I really felt something in that situation.

The time continued to move on and I heard nothing, just saw him online on facebook, but said I won't send anything; I don't want anything to come off as a petty meeting or something of the sort.

I went to sleep with a bad feeling and a big disappointment and didn't know how I would get out of this one with my heart in place and my head ready for basketball workouts and getting ready and in shape.

I already got to the airport in the morning and I logged on to my facebook, a minute after I logged in there was a long message from him, he apologized for not calling and not meeting, he said that he got back home and just passed out, after two nights with very bad sleep, that’s something I can relate to of course.

I must say that the message helped me out, I felt better and in less pain over the entire situation. I even got him something small, but didn't get the chance to give it, so he said I could do it the next time I come and visit him.

Now when I look at things, some thoughts come to mind, was it even serious, could it ever be, since we don't even live in the same country, or even close for now. How does he feel, was it a more friendly thing then I think, even thought I don't think that all the kissing and all the nights together, even though it was just "sleep over's", but I do think It meant something, but I also am not to formalized with the code of behavior in our WORLD.

My biggest question for myself was, is and will be did I fall in love with him, or with the idea of meeting up after all those years and having a great time. The option of talking to someone about what I really do and what I live for and things of that nature, it was great, really great.

Not having to make up stories about what I do and just being the same guy I am on a regular base and basically just taking two aspects of my life and combining them together for almost the first time.

After getting back home and meeting with two people who I talk to about everything I came to most of the conclusions I mentioned in this story, and could only fully realize after this had happened.

I know nothing good will come from a guy like this, I mean maybe if someone wants to be his friend, but be involved with him? I know that he is a teaser, just like I mentioned and once he hooks you, he just plays with you, and that’s exactly what happened to me.

No real relationship has to have all the suffering of not knowing what’s going on and always having to chase the other guy up. Also sharing some emotions and not hearing back also says something, just as him making me chase him around all the communication centers: phones, email, facebook and so on.

We haven’t kept in touch since, his gift was given to a friend and I stopped talking to him all together, the truth is that since I met him I knew he was a tease, he would be in touch with me and then disappear for 4 months and then the same would happen. He would always get back to me a couple a weeks after I looked for him, when it wasn’t relevant any more.

I still wish that it wasn’t the case and it did hurt a lot in the beginning but I guess the only right thing for me was to move on.
It brings up a big question, if I’m noticing that this is the kind of guys I’m falling for, why continue? If each one will just continue to frustrate me, why should I go ahead with it, maybe it’s better not trying then ending up suffering badly every time after.

This is a story that was hard for me to share, it shows that I’m also vulnerable like a lot of other people and that doesn’t matter how much success or happiness you have in one aspect of your life, it doesn’t say anything about other aspects.

I still sometimes think was it him or was it the idea and the teasing that I just got hooked on so fast, I guess I will find out after my next relationship, if it will come.

I will close with the question that I believe people have been asking and will continue asking for ages: Why do we continue doing things that in the process hurt us so much, I enjoyed my time with him and seeing each other, but all the other hours the pain and suffering was not something I ever felt before, so I guess nothing in life is perfect.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A Special Trip - Part Three

Just moving along..

Back to the story:

I had to head out fairly early, had to get a work out in and had plans for lunch. I texted him later in the day, but didn't hear back, so I left that at that, in the afternoon he texted me that he had a long day and was dead tired, and doesn't think he will be able to meet up.

After a couple more min of talk he decided to come over to my hotel, only after I promise I would try to do a better job sleeping this time. I was in bed all night not moving, but only when he did, did I let myself take a quick move. I guess I still need to get used to those things. That night wasn't as worse as the one before, but let’s be honest, no one got his beauty sleep.

Anyways he wasn't feeling too great, so it was another long night, but I really didn't mind it, just the company was enough. In the morning we parted ways, we talked again later in the day, I offered to come over or the other way around If he needed some help after.

It was my last day on vacation, I talked to him after and told him that since it was my last day I would really be happy to spend it with him, he said that after two days of not sleeping he is exhausted, but that he will try.

I told him that I don't want to get all emotional on him, but I enjoyed the time and that I like him and since god knows how long it will be before we meet again I would really like that.

He laughed and said that he knows I like him, I texted back that I hope it's mutual, but never heard an answer. Anyways I finished with a text telling him that I already voiced my opinion and that I'm waiting for him to let me know when to meet up.

Going back for a second to the way I was feeling:

I couldn’t handle it, would he call or wouldn't he, will we meet or won't we, was I doing what I was supposed to or wasn’t I. I just couldn't function, I was always sure that nothing will work out and nothing will happen, from the first day I was always sure that he will cancel or that things wouldn't work out, in a since I think I even wished that would happen, maybe to justify my feelings.

I felt like shit, no other word for it, couldn’t do too much without going crazy and checking my phone all the time and just waiting for that call or message.

In some sense I felt like I was the one pushing for everything and that he just did it out of fun and nothing more, but then I remind myself that he did meet up with me every day since we saw each other, even half dead, tired or what not, that even if he answered after several hours he did answer in the end of things.

I think that in this world , the gay world that is, I feel very confident, feel good about the way I look and about who I am, usually I'm the one getting hit on and the one that people come up to. So I think it was weird for me to feel the one insecure about him, and thinking if i'm good enough or is it real or not.

I really just wished in a sense that he would say he doesn't want to meet up and that’s it, it was just too much pain to bury all those hours of not knowing what he was feeling.

I guess I knew that he was given me what I wanted, and that’s to get frustrated in a sense, because he would never just go with things but would always have to make me chase him, if I would ask him to call me, he would send a message on facebook, it was always something close but not exactly what I expected.

In real life sometimes we have certain hidden wishes that aren’t the best thing that we could wish for. I think that I have a certain wish of being frustrated in a relationship or from a guy, maybe it’s because I don’t feel complete yet with being gay, maybe it’s the homophobe in me, but I do notice that I usually fall for guys like that.

When I get there I already know that the guy itself isn’t as relevant as what he gives or doesn’t give me. In no doubt those days were up there as the worst days I have had as an adult, I was just hurting all the time and all over.

That's almost the whole story, just one more part to go.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

A Special Trip - Part Two

Hey Guys, here is part two of my story.

The following morning came and I went on a little trip, shopping and just enjoying the attractions that the city has to offer. I texted him later on that I'm out and about and what time does he want to do dinner, so I will know to be ready.

I was surprised to get an answer, we set up a date and a place to meet and I promised that me and my closet will be there. He mentioned that he has something with his friends later and that he will have to go to that.

Anyway, we went on a date and we went to dinner, I was excited and nervous at the same time, but things went well and it was good food and a good time. After that we went to his apartment, so he could get dressed and get ready for the party.

We talked and just as about we were headed out the door and he closed the lights he came up to me, kissed me and we left. I walked him to his friend's apartment and even gave him a kiss before I left, mind that that it was on the corner of the street, maybe one of you took a picture, or maybe not, LOL.
He told me that he would call me after his dinner to see what's going on and if we want to meet up again.

I went back to my hotel in a good mood of course, and waited, he didn't call and it was getting late so I figured it won't happen. I tried getting him on one of those bbm things, but no response, so I went to sleep in a bad mood and was sure that it was that.

The day after I decided to give it another go, I said, I'm here on vacation anyway, what's the worst thing that can happen? He will say no? And I will go back to my life knowing I tried.

I told him that it was great seeing him again after all those years and that I would like to spend some more time with him in the next couple of days, but I would be happy if he will tell me in advance so I will try to do different things on my vacation.

He said she also had fun and he would also like to hang out some more, but he also needs to spend time with other friends, who he made plans with, I told him, I don't expect him to spend eight hours a day with me, but there is a time for everything, in the end we decided to talk later and see what happens.

He texted me later that night if I'm up to anything and if I would like to meet up, and of course I wanted to, didn't need be a rocket science to answer that one. So we ended up going to the movie, which was actually nice and funny, on the way in he expected me to kiss him, but that wasn't going to happen, since, well, since…

After the movie we walked back to his apartment, talked a little and headed straight to sleep, wow did I sleep bad, I thought he was going to kill me at some point, I was nervous I think, I didn't stop moving and he got up every second, also I'm a little bit bigger than the average person, so it didn't help matters.

Stopping here for a second and leaving the time table. I want to explain a little bit about the feelings I had in those same days. I never had those kinds of feelings before, I'm sure you probably did, it was all great and lovely when we were together, but when I was alone I was just going crazy. I think I realized that I’m starting to depend on him too much.

I mean I know I have a tendency to fall for those guys who are, well, for a lack of better word, teasers. The guys that will always make you run around them and work hard for everything and will always send mix signals, just to make sure you continue chasing them and letting them have that feeling that they are important or help their self confidence, since they can’t get that from there selves.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A Special Trip - Part One

Hey everyone, hope the weekend was enjoyable.

As for this post, Well, life has a way of making the unexpected happen sometimes, on some occasions it for the good and some for the bad. Anyway, this is something that is harder for me to share, so it took me some time to get to it.

Before I get started I have to mention that I wrote a lot, but a lot on this, so it will probably take at least three – four posts. some are a little shorter than the others, just wanted it to be readable and not be just one very very long post.

I was on vacation last year in another lovely city in our dear little world.

When I went out to a club I suddenly saw someone I recognized, I was pretty sure that I know him but I didn’t approach him, but rather went on, later on the same night I looked up and saw him standing next to me, we looked at each other, I recognized him that second and smiled and he came up to me and mentioned my name and asked if it was me, and it was indeed me.

I felt so weird, since nothing like this has happened to me before, also he had a big part in me telling my parents. I met him and his friend in one of the first clubs I ever went out to and after that night I decided to tell my parents. I mention it on the post I wrote about me coming out (part 1) way back in January of last year.

It’s been a couple of years since we met. We never hit it off romantically; we stayed in touch here and there through emails, but never got the chance to see each other. Until that same night, we started to talk a little bit, he introduced me to a friend of his, and we started chatting, this guy is actually one of the only ones that knows the real me and everything about me.

We started dancing, his friend said that he has to get going because he had work the day after, so it was just the two of us, we were dancing and having fun, while both of us felt very strange since it was a few years between the first time we met and this current trip.

He looked at me and after that we started kissing, it was very unreal, great, but unreal, after that we stayed in the club for an hour and a half, just danced , kissed and had some fun, nothing major, talked a little bit also, and that was about it.

After he told me that me that he had to leave since he also has work in the morning we exchanged numbers, we talked about meeting up for dinner the next day. My hotel was actually close by to where we went out to so I decided to walk back.

Got lost like ten times and walked all over, but it was still summer and good weather out there, so it was a fun walk.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I have truly almost no experience in relationships, I also think I have a way to always attract the less serious ones. So in my book it was a sure thing that I won't hear from him in the morning or that it would just be a onetime meeting.

I was sure that he won't call or answer, because I'm very pessimistic about things like that working out or relationships in general, maybe the situation I'm in made me like this, I don’t really know.

Friday, February 11, 2011

A little Help From You

Hey everyone, hope you are enjoying your weekend.

I don't have any plans to put up a post or tell a story, but just wanted to ask something small from you reading and following my blog.

I have been writing for over a year now, both for myself and to tell my story and also to try to help anyone that might be influenced from reading my thoughts and feelings, even if just a little bit.

The small thing that I wanted to ask you was to try and get this blog out to others you know, I don't have any reason besides wanting more people to read my story, largely for the reason that someone might think it can help him in a way or show him that it's ok to be gay and be a pro athlete.

I don't have anything to gain from this, besides getting the satisfaction of reaching more people and getting to know more great people like this blog allowed me to, I have no intent to reveal myself, so of course I'm not doing this for publicity or any similar reason.

I will appreciate and be grateful for any help.

On another note, the last couple of days I wrote about a personal thing that happened to me. A guy that I met last year and really got to me, it was maybe the longest thing I have written. I decided to share that with you and I will divide to a couple of parts and post it in the beginning of the week.

Thanks again for everything and enjoy yourself..

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Equal Race

Well, there is a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it, so let’s start, I sound very busy ah ? LOL.

Before I write about what I had on my mind, I will just reply to the comment by vah4bm, asking how I know that other players are gay and why don't I try to connect with them. So, I will make it simple, in the sports world there are always rumors, you play in one country and then the other and in the end everyone knows everyone.

I have to say that none of those players ever told anyone that they are gay and some might deny it, but when too many stories are heard, usually there is something to that, but just to explain, I would never be someone that judges people based on stories, but I just know that a couple of them are right in this case.

Why haven't I said anything? Cause those are players who I play against or see once or twice a year. Now they have their own life and agenda, I don't know what they feel and how they go about things, maybe if I will tell them they will deny it and decide to tell others that I told them I’m gay or something of the sort. Again it's not likely, but in this business I see no need to put myself out there for no reason.

I mean, so if I tell them? What will happen? We won't start to see each other anymore, because we are busy, ok so if everything works out great I might have someone to vent to, but I don't really think it’s a wise thing to do. Those who are closeted like me, for sure will not want to show that the stories are right. I have to admit that even if someone came up to me and told me he is gay and such and such I don't know how I would react, I mean it’s hard to think about, so I must be honest and tell you that I don't know in advance.

As for our flavor of the day, I had a totally different idea in mind, but I will post that up next time. I was reading a little about all those gay fan nights NBA teams are having, as anyone ever been to one of those? I like the idea, doesn't really matter in my opinion how many people show up or not, but just having teams try to approach fans and tell them they are welcome no matter what.

Again it might be from the stand point of getting more revenue and more fans and such, but I like that teams are trying to show that it's ok to be different in a sense and that sports or anything is not a game that discriminates between different races and such.

On the same level, I don't want to say that the NBA or sports teams in general were or are racist in any matter, but if you take the color issue there is defiantly a problem, but also a big change. I haven't done a research about how many black players are in the NBA, but I have to say that they present the mass majority on any team, well almost any NBA team.

If we look 10 years back to the amount of NBA coaches that were black, and I mean head coaches, had to be so not in sync with the number of players out there. I mean how can there be so many black players and so few black head coaches. it’s great that now the NBA has eleven, at least to my knowledge, black head coaches, I mean the sports is ruled mainly by blacks.

I’m not saying that in a bad way, the superstars and the big hitters are usually black and if they are good enough to play they are also good enough to coach, and I think Doc Rivers and others do such a great job that it shows that color doesn't have to be in issue. Other sports? I guess there is much more work that needs to be done there.

Also managerial wise there has to be a lot done and all sports, including the NBA. I think that the improvement in the NBA in this case can refer back to gay nights and what i was talking about. it seems like things are moving forward and decision are being made basically on abilities and not on other issues that we all wish weren't part of our life’s, both in sports and day to day life.

A person is just that, a person, black, white or yellow, let him be judged by abilities and not by color, and that's all I have to say

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Who We Really Are

Hey Everyone,

Sorry for not writing in almost two weeks, its been a very busy time for me. We have had a intense couple of weeks , a lot of gamesand not a lot of time between them.

Its hasn't been the best time for our team lately, things aren't going well at the moment, at least not the way we hoped it would go.

We have good guys off the court, but once we get on it its not looking so good. It's frustrating for me and for the other guys, don't get me wrong, we are still in a good situation, just not playing the basketball that we would have liked to play.

On a different note, I saw a link left by Kardon22 on the comments to my last post. It was a link for Zack Wahls speech, for those who haven't seen it, Zack is a 19 year old Iowa student, that has lesbian parents.

Zack talks in front of a judge about gay rights before a vote in the matter. Without going into the whole story, I just wanted to say that his speech was great, touching and hit the spot.

It for sure showed people that having lesbian or gay parents shouldn’t and doesn’t affect the way you turn out, but rather if you have parents that love you and care about you.

There is a lot of bigotry in the world and in sports. I have no doubt that there are a lot of people that know and understand that a parents love is all that matters, but sadly enough the rest and a big percent of the world are bigots.

Straight parents can make mistakes and be really bad parents, can abuse or hit their kids, just like anyone else. Which brings me back to my general point, what matters is the person you are and not whether you like men or women, but unfortunately most people don't see it that way.

A lot of my posts come back to the same points, no matter what the story is. Unfortunately people judge others before they ever meet them; someone who is gay is already in a disadvantage in most places and it doesn't matter how much we try to sugar cone it, that's the reality of thing.

I mention this almost every time; I see how basketball players and everyone around them speaks and behaves and also a lot of the "regular people".

I'm really waiting for the day that I confront a teammate about being gay or about the way he and others speak about gays, whether it’s the "NO HOMO" use or other bad language.

I also know as I mentioned that I have played against a couple of gay bball players, i always wondered how a conversation with them would be like, what they feel, what they think and how they see the whole picture.

Do they feel like me? Unable to do too much. If they feel lonely, if they would want things to be differently, if they have meet other gay players that I don't know about, or had a relationship during those years.

Now that I write about it its really something that I'm giving an extra thought too. I don't think I will find out anytime soon, but if I do I will let you all know.

Enjoy your weekend.