Saturday, January 22, 2011

When I Was Young

I just started thinking about the first time that something happened with a friend, I mean something that pointed me in the direction that I do have an attraction to man.

I remember as a kid, I guess around 14 that me and a good friend had a tendency to fight a lot, I mean almost every day we would just go at it on the floor in his house or mine.

I remember how we both liked it and how much we liked when we got to the part that someone was on the floor and the other one, that being either me or him would be the one sitting on top.

Now of course we didn't intended to do anything or neither did we know too much of what we were doing, but I remember that both of us liked it, it was a great feeling, feeling someone so close to you, both on the level of physicality and also on the level of a good friend that I cared about deeply and he felt the same.

Now we had stages later on that we would do this "fighting bid" in my or his room, again with all our cloth on, just feeling each other and trying to enjoy it.

I think back to those times, I feel bad sometimes that neither of us did more, maybe because we didn't want to or maybe because we didn't know how to.

I also think that none of us wanted to really admit what was going on in his mind and what we really felt and wanted. I admit that we did see each other naked, but nothing happened besides the natural look from one another, or maybe natural in this case.

I haven't kept in touch with that friend for a lot of years, I don't know what's going on with him, the most I do know is that he is alive, GF? Married? No clue, be interesting to know if he is gay, even though I think that today I wouldn't do too much with that, but I guess I and you will never know.

It might of helped both of us during our younger years to cope, to understand that it's ok to have those feelings and it doesn't make you any less of a person, but I guess that was just too soon for both of us.
Hope you are enjoying your weekend…

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Still Far Away

Hey Everyone, another week has gone by and after my birthday party, the real life resumes, jk.

Hope everyone is enjoying the winter and probably the snow that is coming with it. I actually like the snow, I always feel like a kid when I go outside and see the snow piling up and the beautiful white picture that comes along with it.

On a different subject, I must say that even thought I know I still have a long way to go before I come out and retire from basketball I had a couple of thoughts on the subject of friends this week.

I went to eat lunch with a teammate that is also a good friend; we do this about once a week more or less. I was thinking what would happen if I told him, not in the sense that I was close to saying anything, but I was just playing it out in my head.

Now the thing is I know he is a good friend, and I care about him, it’s not that I have a special physical attraction to him, but I do enjoy his company and he is a good dude and some one that is important to me.

The thing is I see how he talks about the gay issue, how he is just like all the others that mention the “NO HOMO” comment in every situation that you can bring it up, and that everything that might look not manly is rewarded with the word GAY.

I know that a lot if not most basketball players are homophobic, first of all because it’s a macho sport and secondly just like a lot of different people they are always worried that they might have an inch of gayness in them.

Otherwise why would they be bothered by something that they know isn’t related or isn’t a possibility for them? Since I don’t have any plans to come out soon this usually doesn’t come up, also in our world and profession you don’t play too many years with the same guys and usually each one goes his own way and you lose track of one another.

I have met a couple of guys during my career that were genuinely open minded and accepting, not of me, but of the situations in life. I picked that up during trips, meals and a lot of conversations that I had with them and that teammates had with them also.

However I have to admit that it disappoints me, if not hurts me a little bit that people that I truly care about talk or behave this way, like being gay is a disease or so wrong. I know it also has a lot to do with where they grew up and what they know and I have to accept it.

I believe, or better yet, I want to believe that those people who I consider my friends will accept me as I am when time comes. However I can truly say that if they won’t I will be somewhat disappointed but I will move on.

I will know that my family accepts me and I accept myself and who ever really cares about me will do the same, if not, then guess they don’t deserve a place in my life.

It’s so far from me right now, but for some reason it came to mind this week, I can pretty much guarantee that the friends I have now won’t be the friends I have when it’s time to come out.

Basketball and the places I and others play change all the time. None the less it will be interesting to see what the reactions will be when time comes; in the meanwhile I will just focus on my game and keep the rest to myself.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Happy Birthday

Well, I guess I should wish myself a happy birthday, or at least to my blog, it’s one year old. Still innocent, cute and sure that the world will turn out fine, little does he know.

I don’t want to make this my post of the week, and I wouldn’t write about it if not for the fact that in the beginning I didn’t really know where this blog was going and I wasn’t sure that I would make it a year, but I did.

I just wanted to say that I feel great to have this tool to speak my mind and hear from others, something that I didn’t think possible before. I have met a lot of new friends, even if it’s email buddies.

I have been exposed to a lot of knowledge about the gay community and the gay world that I wouldn’t have been exposed to if not for this blog.

I can honestly say that this blog changed me and helped me develop as a person and as a gay individual, I also got the chance to get things that were on my mind in to the open and it sure did feel great.

So again, thanks to all of you that are following and let me into your little internet world, thanks for those posting comments and for those emailing me, it’s a real pleasure and hope to see you on the blogs next birthday also.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Less Fortunate

Hey again, hope everyone enjoyed their new year weekend, hope you went out, partied, got a little drunk ( or not), but just enjoyed yourself.

I wouldn't mind having a night out on the town, well at town where I can be gay and there are a lot of available young blond guys which just happened to be gay.

Instead of that, I enjoyed playing five on five and working on our full court press, you got to say that sounds much better, and instead of Ice in my drink I had some on my knees, but that's way cooler isn't it? And I mean that in every sense of the word.

As for new years, since I don't enjoy going out to straight parties, I said this before, I just don't like being in a place that I don't have anything to really do, besides making sure that no girl hits on me or sends her friend to talk to me.

Instead I just went to a restaurant with a teammate and his wife and called it a night, the only thing I was kissing as 2011 came in was this screen, since I was finishing up another post, my latest one.

Regarding that, I just read the comment left by gp, to sum it up he said "we should do everything possible to avoid internalizing the anti-gay bigotry of society at large. We shouldn't think for a minute that there's anything wrong, sinful or immoral about being gay". That was about me writing about kids that their only sin was being gay.

I'm always happy to get as many comments as possible and I think that we might have misunderstood each other. For me it was just the same as writing that someone’s only sin is loving chocolate, it doesn't mean that it’s really a sin , or it's something bad, but just that it’s something that's different.

To make a larger point, a point that I mentioned in my last post, I go back to what I said about being gay as being different. I know it might not be popular to say, BUT, you can’t deny that being gay is not the normal thing in society and that being gay is a deviation from the "social norm.

I never said it means that being gay means that you aren't as good or that you aren't worthy to receive everything that a straight person does, but just to say that it's different, if it wasn't than 40-50 % of the world would be gay and not 8-10 % of it.

My point is that we are looked at as different than others, and rightly so in the matter of putting it to the simple meaning of things. Just like being left handed as my friend gp mentioned is a deviation from the norm (8-15 % of adults are left handed). What society does with it and the way they treat gay men and women, well that's a whole different story.

Last time out I talked about young girls and boys that are gay and the bullying they have to deal with. Something which follows with cases of suicide sadly enough. However there are still more problems in that same youth, a lot of times we talk about the treatment they receive outside of their homes, but there is also a big problem inside the homes.

I got the chance to speak, online that is with a couple of guys that their family threw out of the house because they found out they were gay. It was hard to hear and it was a conversation which I couldn't find any words of support to give, because if you can't rely on the people that gave you life and are the most valuable thing in the world, then who can you rely on?

I could only find a large publication from 2007 that says that 42 % of the homeless youth is gay, which is pretty hard to accept when knowing what percentage of the population gays are.

Trying to put things in context, I guess the point is that being different is something that people can't handle, it's not that I'm discovering anything new over here, but I guess that people just can't cope with it. A lot of families can't accept even their own kids because they didn’t turn out like they wanted.

I mentioned that I'm lucky to have a great family that loves me just the same even though I like guys, and blonds in particular :)
but to be serious, ignorance is a problem and it falls mostly on the gay subject, but there are a lot of people that are ignorant about a lot of matters and they take the different and the minority and try to "convert them" or deal with them in a matter that will give them quite and won't "harm" their way of living.

I don't know how it is to be homeless and I hope that no one I know will, but again, it breaks my heart and it's just hard to accept the kind of world we live in. Being homeless in general is a terrible thing and a lot of families find themselves in the streets because of the economic situation and financial problems, but being kids and getting thrown out because of a sexual preference, something that most of us don't chose, but is chosen for us? That’s just too much for me to handle.

As time progress and I keep writing those posts I get a stronger feeling that I would eventually want to volunteer and help those less fortunate than me. I don't know when or where, but I hope to keep my word, to myself, and do something, even small that could help.

For you out there that are volunteering and helping out kids, adults, gay, straight or both, I can only show my appreciation and my admiration of what you do and how you help. I'm sure you go home in the end of the day and feel good about yourself, and a lot of times that's much more than making another pay check or getting another rise.

I found myself lately writing much more about emotional things and less about sports related issue. I know that this is a blog about my life as a gay basketball player, but I feel sometimes that it's a privilege to share with you other things on my mind, so I just go for it.

Take care and have a nice week.