Thursday, December 22, 2011

Holiday Season

Hey everyone, guess this is a good time to wish everyone a merry Christmas since we are only a couple of days away.

The holidays always make me think about families and spending time with our loved ones. I feel blessed with the family I have and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but sometimes it gets lonelier during the holidays, just thinking about someone from the past or someone that I would like to have in my future.

I wrote in my last blog about the birthday of the guy I met in the summer. I decided to write a short happy birthday on facebook, I wasn't sure if I would get a response and I haven't gotten one yet, but it's still middle of the day back in the good old U.S.A, even though I don't think I will hear from him.

I think about him from time to time, not too much, it would be nice to get to know him more, but that's life at the moment I guess and I’m sure that there will be more guys in the future.

I think about a daily routine of having a BF, even though I don't really know what to expect or to think it's something that I look forward to, just like every normal person does I guess. It's weird that most of my thoughts focus on my vacation during the summer and the short time that I have there.

I feel that sometimes I don't really grasp the notion that once I will be out, and it will happen at some point, vacation will be just something different, maybe site seeing, maybe some partying and fun, but it won't be where my focus will be.

I mean, at that point I will have a normal life, I would be able to date all year long, go to parties, enjoy myself and just live my life, no need for a special vacation, off season or anything of the sorts.

I do know that I really have no clue about relationships and anything of that matter and that I will have to find out on the go what's the things I want in a relationship and what the things I can handle are, and what things I can't.

I mean, on paper everything sounds good or bad, black or white, but until we or I in this case don't really experience it, I won't be able to tell. I feel this day is closing in on me and I know in my heart that it's all a matter of time.

On the other hand I'm really happy with basketball now, I just got a glimpse of how much I love this game lately, I think I fell in love with it again. I feel great and I just want to play all the time, practice all the time, lift weights all the time, whatever is needed.

Every year that goes by I get older, just like every person on this planet, well except Benjamin Button, the thing is I feel no difference with my body, I feel great and in shape, so maybe that also means that there are a lot of basketball years ahead of me, I doubt if I would stay in the closet for all of them, so It might get interesting.

Sunday the N.B.A season starts, it will be a nice addition to my life and I know that it will also be nice for a lot of the players playing overseas that always enjoy the chance to watch some basketball from back home.

Well, again merry Christmas and happy holidays to anyone celebrating any other holidays.

All the best and will meet again before 2012 greets us.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Fans and Teammates

Hey everyone,

Hope all is well, for me things are pretty easy going, nothing special going on. I always wish something special will happen so I have more to write to you, but I guess it's not always the case.

In the last months I have been reading more gay websites, more articles, more video's for LGBT rights and so on, it gives me a better picture and insight to the things that happen in the world and in the community.

A lot of times I get a good feeling from reading about the LGBT youth and the things that they are able to do, like coming out, supporting others, trying to make a difference and helping out. Of course there is bullying and there are a lot of problems, especially with the gay youth, but they have courage that I don't think was around in the late 90's and early 2000's.

I think the internet has a lot to do with everything, giving kids more options to read, and learn about themselves and others, to meet teenagers like them and to be able to share some things with others, something that wasn't really around as much when I was growing up, even though it wasn't that long ago.

I don't really know how it is to live in that world; a world of a gay person that just goes on about his life has his straight friends and gay friends and just lives his life. I mean that's an environment that I don't know and never been a part of, my environment is basketball players, fans and people that work around basketball.

It's funny, I never feel a part of it, not just because the locker room chat is about women most of the time, what never really gives me an opportunity to join the conversation, both because I know nothing about it and have no interest to talk about it, but also because I feel that it's talks that are more suitable for 17 year olds and not people around my age, but they always say that pro athletes are just like little babies, so maybe they are mostly right.

I have been thinking lately about the reaction of fans, if they knew or if I were to come out, I wrote about this before, the fans overseas are more college fans than N.B.A ones. They go crazy in games, they curse, shout and have no boundaries, not all of them, but a lot of them.

I have been around a lot of teams and a lot of fans and while I know that most of the fans of teams I will play against will have a lot to say and I would have just to deal with it, I often wonder how the fans of my own team will react. I mean of course it depends how long I have played there and of course the relationship I have with them, but I don't really know what to think.

I'm sure that a lot will accept it, but also there are some that would have a harder time dealing with it, of course it's all up in the air and I can't really know for sure, but I need something to think about don't I?

Enjoy your weekend and don't forget to get presents for everyone, I don't mind if you want to send me a couple also....

P.S - the guy I met in the summer and really enjoyed myself with has a birthday this week, we haven't spoken since I got back, should I wish him a happy B-Day or just leave it, any suggestions??

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Jonah Mowry - YouTube Clip

Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is doing well, anyone excited from the CBA in the N.B.A and the season starting soon? I have to admit I’m kind of happy, will get a chance to see a couple of former teammates and also it always helps falling asleep late at night when I’m tired.

Also have to admit that I'm happy cause Van Gundy will be back, he is with no doubt my favorite analyst regarding basketball and he always makes me laugh, so that's also kind of nice.

As for me, I’m doing well, nothing special, just been traveling a lot for games lately. Not always fun flying in and out of different countries or cities and sometimes it doesn't really matter where you are, because you basically play and go back home, but that's part of the job.

It also has its nice moments, a big win on the road, being together with teammates that are also friends a lot of the time, just being able to eat all day, LOL, can't always complain.

I guess all of you saw the clip of the boy Jonah Mowry and if you didn't then this is the link:

It's very touching and sad and made me feel really bad. I have talked about if before, but I will say it again, I do have a soft spot for kids and it's hard for me to see someone suffer, especially on the count of being different, in this case gay.

I might relate more to this specific situation because I guess it was hard for me also growing up and in my first years of adulthood. Not because the way I was treated, but the way I treated myself in a sense, or the way I felt about myself.

Now this clip has had almost 7 million hits and it went viral very fast, I read the other day that he posted a different clip a couple of months after showing a different picture and now people are saying that the first video, the one I left the link to is fake.

His mom has stepped up to say that it's not and that it's really the way he felt , I don't know how many people are buying it and how many aren't, but I say : "WHO CARES".

I mean the kid deliverd a message of suffering and pain, a message that so many kids relate to and feel in their young and fragile life. There are so many kids being bullied or being hated for being gay or being different and Jonah delivered their message and their cry, it doesn't really matter in my eyes if it's real or not.

The suffering, the suicide and the heart breaking stories we read about everyday are real and are out there everywhere. Kids can be real cruel to other kids and a lot of the times don't have any boundaries, and just go all out to humiliate others and to make others feel bad because of their own insecurities.

So if 7 million people saw this message the rest isn't relevant, the issue doesn't need to be whether the video is real or not, but whether anyone is doing anything to help young kids, kids in pain and in dark places in their life. It's so sad to hear more and more stories regarding this issue, I don't know what the solution is, even though a lot has to come from education in school and from understanding that being different doesn't make anyone better than you ,but just different.

You can simplify things and compare it to ice cream: some of us like Vanilla, some like Chocolate, some like Peanut better, there are all different tastes and there is a place for every flavor in the store, in our homes and in our hearts. Everyone just needs to focus on the flavor they like and let the others enjoy what they like, without thinking one is better than the other.

I hope that all the LGBT organizations out there can change the picture and help the acceptance of the whole LGBT issue through the country, even if it takes time. I just hope the picture will get brighter for those kids who are suffering through life, because no one, especially not kids deserve to suffer for something that they didn’t even chose.

Enjoy the weekend everyone!!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Tebow Time?!?

Hey everyone,

First of all I just wanted to thank everyone that commented or emailed me after the last post, it was really great hearing from you and it really made me feel that just posting what's on my mind is sometimes enough and that there doesn't always have to be something special behind it.

There was one comment that I wanted to respond to and that was the one made by Nick. First of all it's nice meeting you and the thing I wanted to say was that I didn't mean that the only need in a relationship is physical but just that it has to be there.

Without the sexual attraction, it's not never going to be a relationship that is based on love and passion. It might become a friendship, but I can't believe it can lead to a partner or a BF. Of course if there is only the sexual attraction and no common hobbies and no deeper things to share it's not going to become anything special, but I just think that the attraction is step one.

I wanted to talk a little about Tebow, if anyone is following football, well since he has been playing the team is 5-1 I think and basically winning every week. First of all I hate the fact that they are winning and to be more specific, I hate the fact that he is winning.

I usually don't use words like that, but his whole attitude with the family values crap, that judges and tells people what's OK to do and what's not makes me sick. More than that and I think of this in a sense of all pro athletes and their "relationship" with god.

While I'm not a believer, I respect those who do believe, HOWEVER, I have a big problem with athletes in all sports bringing "god" on to the court/field. I always say that if there is a higher existence is he really worried about those things, is he really dealing with how much a player will score or hit? I mean it just feels so shallow and unworthy to me.

There are so many "bigger" issues that for me question the existence of god and questions that I don't have an answer for. So I refuse to think that god has anything to do with a sports results or that being a believer effects the way I shoot the ball.

To believe that this mighty power will bless his believers by helping them have a good game or direct them to the right path on the court/field? for me it's just too much to take.

I respect everyone's believes, but for me to pry for gods guidance and help in something that is just a game takes all the value out of the real belief that people have.

It might be harsh, but when I see a player pray after a touchdown or thank god after scoring a goal that just makes me angry in sense and makes me think that those same believers devalue their belief, even if I don't believe at all.

Thanks again for the emails and comments and for being a part of my life.

Enjoy the weekend everyone!!!!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Is It Over?

Hey everyone, hope you are enjoying thanksgiving and spending time with your families.

On my daily checkup on Afterelton and Advocate I stumbled on a ad for marriage equality :

I have to admit that it was touching and get me a little emotional in the end, underneath all the muscles and testosterone I have to admit that i'm a very emotional person and I don't need too much to get all excited and be on the verge of crying.

Of course it's obvious how the end will play out, at least when you know what website it's on, but it brings me again to think about all those people who have nothing better to do than hate others and condom the way others chose to live their life rather then focus on their own life.

I know it sounds too simple, but we can always hope that maybe something will change down the line, even though people will always continue on hating.

It's not really relevant, but have any of you thought about what happens after we die? I mean do we just end our visit on this planet and basically vanish for eternity, I mean that sounds like the truth and the logical explanation, at least in my book and my religious views, but I think we are all kind of hoping that there is something more to life and the afterlife, if anyone knows, let me know, LOL.

On my last post I wrote about the perfect BF, after thinking about it a little bit, I came to the conclusion that it might be what I hope for in my mind and in my thoughts, but I think it all comes to the sexual attraction in the end. I mean when I and I think most of us see someone we feel something for him or we don't, if we do, we can build on that and see what happens, but if we don't, well then I guess we can end up being friends at the most.

I have to be honest, I enjoy writing and I think about this blog a lot, but I don't have as much to go on as I used to, I mean, I don't do too much during the season besides play basketball and I pretty much share what comes into my mind when something interesting happens.

I can understand that there are less comments and the blog looks or feels a little on the verge of going under. This blog has brought me a lot of friends and a lot of inner peace, it might be time to call it a day. For now I'm still thinking about it and writing once a week. If I feel it's time to end things I will do it in a organized way, that's for sure, but in the meanwhile just want to thank everyone again, you and everything here changed a lot of things in my life.

Enjoy your weekend.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Perfect Boyfriend

Hey everyone, hope all is well.

As for me, Things are pretty much the same, working hard, and enjoying basketball, well at least most of the time. We started playing in all competitions a couple of weeks ago, so there are more games, more flights and more games that are in other countries, some better places and some places that i wouldn't go on vacation to, but then again, no one asked me.

There seems to be a high percentage of no N.B.A season, at least not this year. Without going in to too much discussion and taking sides, it's pretty disappointing. I hear a lot of people talk about the N.B.A players decision to reject the last offer, I talked to a couple of teammates who have played more than a couple of years in the N.B.A, while some take a natural side, one of them just said that he can't understand the players and they are just making a "dumb" decision as he calls it.

He says that the owners did give them some better options in the last offer and that he can't understand how they can reject that and gamble on their whole season and on the law suit in court, a law suit that they might end up losing.

I read a couple of column on ESPN , and a lot of them go back to the point of relativity, that while most people have to get a second job to make ends meet, the players are fighting and calling the decision that can reduce some of the players salary from 5.4 million to 5.0 million something that they can't accept.

I feel like most of the public on the situation, I mean I know that the players are trying to take care of the future generations, but I think that a deal should have been done, especially with the economy being as it is, but then again, I’m just someone looking in from the outside.

It’s going to be disappointing not having a season, not having games in the middle of the night to watch and feel a sleep in front of and not being able to see former teammates playing for their respective teams, but I guess that's life.

It will defiantly mean that more N.B.A players will come over and play in Europe. some might land in my team and some might land in my league or in our Europe competition, so it might be nice from that point of view.

During one of our flights a couple of weeks ago I had the chance to sit back by myself and think a little, I don't know why or how, but I started thinking about what would my perfect BF be like, since I don't have one to share it with and I can't really talk to my teammates and roommate on trips about it, I thought I would share it here.

So here goes nothing, I think looks wise It's a given, my brother always laughs at me about this, but I’m a fool for blondes, always was and always will be. My perfect BF would be blonde, 6'1 - 6'2, boyish looks, athletic body; I always like a little muscle on a guy, but just on the light note, not a body builder or something. I wouldn't mind a six pack, I would love a cute smile along with that boyish face and body, as I have found out I'm not into hairy guys, I would want him to be a couple of years younger than me, that's as far as appearance wise, we are all a little shallow in the end, aren't we?

As for character, I dream about an easy going guy, someone who loves just spending time together without having to do something all the time, just walking around ,taking a trip, going to dinner or to a movie. Someone that loves cuddling and just being with me, whether I feel like doing something or just spending a day indoors.

A guy that loves dancing, cause I have to admit that I do love it, a guy that can go out with me and just enjoy the music and dancing together, someone that won't flirt with other guys while we are out. A guy that makes compromises, because I do a lot for the people I love, even if it's something I don't necessarily want to.

Of course like most of us, I would love a guy that has a stable job and a nice income, so we can both enjoy the possibilities of life and we would be able to afford the things we want. But as my brother always tells me and makes fun of me on the matter, I’m destined to fall in love with a guy who is flat out broke, someone like an artist, a musician or anyone who is just scraping by while trying to do the thing he loves the most. If that happens, I can just hope I will be in a situation that I could take care of both of us, or at least help him out as much as I can.

I would love a BF that loves kids, that wants kids and can't see life without them. I know I can't see my life without kids and I would want someone who would feel the same. I would be happy if he comes from a loving family that accepts him, just so he will have more support and feel better, I’m sure he will feel better around my family, that I have no doubt will accept and love anyone that I decide to love.

It’s weird to say it now, but when the time comes I would prefer someone who isn't in the closet, a lot of the time it was hard for me when guys told me that they had a problem being with someone that wasn't out and that was keeping a secret. It was hard for me to understand that back then, but now that I know that I will live my life out of the closet I can understand not wanting to have barriers holding you from being out and honest and just living a normal life.

It would be a great thing to have a serious BF before I retire, I mean, spending time together with someone while playing basketball, having someone to really share what I feel, the good days and the bad days and everything around it.

It's funny, while I’m sitting and writing all this down I understand that BF might not be the right word, that I’m basically just talking about the guy I would love to spend my life with, more like my husband, even if I hadn't thought about it too much or that I’m not sure in general that I would like to get married, but the principle is the same.

I get a great feeling just writing about this, it's something that I didn't think about or couldn't express till last year, I mean it was always on my mind, but I think putting it down on paper, or the web to be more accurate just means it's something I see naturally, at least I hope so.

I know that in life I don't get exactly what I want, but if I could go into a shop and make an order, I think that's more or less the order I would make. Last summer when I met the guy that pretty much changed a lot in me, even if it was only two weeks, he was pretty close in some of the areas I mentioned. Again, it's just the type I think I’m most attracted to, but I also accepted that something’s aren't what I would want, but I know that there are always compromises to be made.

In the end of the day the sentence that sounds unreal is true in a lot of cases: "looks won't last forever", but other things, such as character and kindness and being able to give and receive love can last forever.

Enjoy the weekend.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Message Of Gay Porn

Hey everyone, sorry for the delay, just been a busy last couple of weeks.

Basketball wise everything is good, we won the last couple of games so the mood is good. I'm getting my minutes and having fun out there and that's all that matters, at least for me.

I mean of course money matters, but I don't play basketball just for the paycheck, I play it for the love of the game and for the memories that it will give me when I’m gray and old and sitting with my family and talking about it.

I know some players would go to a place that they might not play as much for a bigger payday, but I don't believe in that, of course I’m not judging, everyone does what he thinks is best for him.

Actually I wanted to write a little about gay porn. When I started understanding that I’m different and that I don't like girls, somewhere around 16-17 I started watching porn and masturbation in front of it, since I didn't see too many options besides that.

With time I have to admit that I stopped watching porn all together, not the websites with all the naked pictures and for sure not the websites with all the movies. Now it's not that I stopped liking guys or stopped enjoying a beautiful male body or even stopped masturbating.

I just don't believe in what porn in general says, straight or gay and luckily for me I have a head and I have an imagination I can still use to get those same pleasures that gay porn delivers.

I believe that porn, and I will talk about gay porn, since that's what I know more about, is not really sex or love making which is the meaning or the wish of most of us. I find it to be very violent and emotionless almost.

Now of course there might be websites or other things that might not fall under that category, but in general when I think about the porn I used to watch I just find it to be something rough that really shows guys/girls as objects and not people.

Again, in my eyes it's mostly violent and humiliating a lot of times. It's just my feelings on the subject and I don't want to think of sex or love making that way, it just gives me a feeling that the sex is about just banging someone and leaving your emotions at the door.

I know that it's the target of those websites and of course any one of us that is horny can easily enjoy it and everyone is entitled too.

I believe that a lot of the time someone who is gay faces a lot of problems about his self image, let’s be honest, society usually looks down at gay men and it doesn't help anyone’s self esteem, together with the online porn it can usually lead to a bad grasping of what sex is.

Straight guys can talk about it and hear about it much more, where gay men or grownups don't have a lot of places to go and ask, both cause they are scared and also cause they are shy. I believe they find the answers online and on porn sites and sadly I think they get the wrong message about what sex is and what sex means.

I have to admit that I also got that same wrong message when I was younger, luckily, at least that's the way I feel, I past that stage and I see sex in different eyes at this stage of my life.

I sometimes just feel bad that that's basically the only exposure that most young gay teenagers will have to the subject and they might pick up bad habits, not in the sense of being safe or not, but in the sense of grasping sex as something that might be humiliating towards one of the participants in it.

I know that a lot of you might think differently and I’m happy to hear anyone that has anything else to say or to add on the subject. I just believe that those websites might have a little or a lot to do with the way people look at sex and the meaning that it gives it.

In the end of the day making love is supposed to be something special, beautiful and important and it might be hard to reach that stage or to find that person that makes you think of sex as something important, but I just feel that porn sends the wrong message.

Have a good one

Friday, October 28, 2011

Just Living

Hey everyone, hope you are enjoying your weekend.

It was a real good feeling to have my blog mentioned on the TrueHoop Blog one ESPN by Kevin Arnovitz who writes N.B.A and more for ESPN and also happens to be gay. He posted a link to my last post about coming out to a friend and it was a warm surprise to hear about it from one of the readers of my blog.

He posted a interview with Rick Welts, the former Phoenix Suns president who is now at the Golden State Warriors organization and came out last year and was the first Major sports executive to do so. If anyone wants to check it out, this is the link:

As for me, I'm doing well, working hard and enjoying my job. It's funny, I enjoy working out in the weight room before practice and in general, I’m not one of those guys that sits in the weight room all day and look at themselves nor do I try to look like a bodybuilder.

However, it gives me a good feeling that I'm in shape and that my body looks good, my brother was joking with me that I’m a stereotypical gay that only cares about his looks and his muscles and it was funny.

There is always this conversation about how gay men tend to take better care of themselves and pay more attention to their body and their whole demeanor. I wonder if it's just another stereotypical thing that people throw out there or if there is any truth in that.

Of course for me it's also needed for basketball, so I have the perfect cover story :). I remember reading John Amaechi's book and on the back he wrote something about how all the N.B.A players spent a lot of time in front of the mirror after games, fixing their hair, earrings and so on, and that he was the gay one, so go figure.

Besides that, I’m in the same situation, not dating or meeting anyone online, just reading a lot of material on the gay fight for equality, the different projects intended to help youth and that sort of stuff, very interesting and very helpful for me to find out more.

It's been a little difficult lately for my friend who is H.I.V positive. I mentioned this before, but he has been going through a lot of things, and since I’m about the only person besides those who are involved in his treatment we are having a lot of Skype hours.

It's hard a lot of the time, he has a lot of things to talk about and to put out there and it's also hard for me. Which might sound not fair, but I have to always be able to say the right and positive thing and sometimes it's not very easy because sometimes he is just in a different place, but I have no intention of leaving him alone, so we will all do our best.

Last thing is the World Series, anyone out there that is a baseball fan had to enjoy last night’s game, it was just crazy, no other word. I was lucky that I only had evening practice, I could stay up all night, and it ended in the morning over here. It was very exciting, I was disappointed since I want Texas to win, but boy was it a great game. Hope game seven will bring us the same passion and excitement.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Spreading The Word

Hey everyone, hope all is well.

I'm doing well, we have just had a couple of league games and we started off on the right foot, always nice to start the season well and always nice to get the practice games out the door.

We are all following the N.B.A story and waiting to see what will happen. It would be weird to have players from our league leaving suddenly, but I guess it's something everyone knows can happen, will it? don't think anyone really knows.

As for me, had a nice conversation with a childhood friend, who is still a good friend of mine. I have known him since he was eleven and we have both played basketball since we have been kids.

Granted we don't live in the same country anymore, we still try to meet up in the summer and he is genuinely a good person with a good heart. I wanted to tell him this summer and I was about to just as we were walking together down the street, but at the last second I didn't.

Anyway, yesterday I decided it's about time to tell him, we didn't catch each other on Skype, so we just exchanged text messages, which was weird. I don't remember myself ever just written to someone, hey buddy, i'm gay.

In the end I just came out with it, hahah, I wrote a couple of messages in general then just wrote : " I'l just write it, even though it's weird to do so. I'm gay. don't really know what i'm supposed to write after this, but it was important for me to tell you".

I didn't have a doubt in my mind that he would be supportive, I think i'm at the stage that it's pretty clear to me that the people that really care about me love me for the person I am and not anything else.

He was amazing, asked a couple of questions and was just great, said that of course he loves me and cares about me and what I do in the bedroom is my business and would never influence our friendship.

We talked some more about the way it influences my basketball career and how I deal with it and it was just nice. I wasn't too nervous before and it didn't change my world, it's just nice to have one more friend that knows about it, it's as simple as that, at least for me.

I don't think I will go and start telling all my friends now, but he is someone that I wanted to share the news with. There is no one that I really feel I have to tell right now, I mean it might be nice, but the important people in my life already know, so will see what the future brings.

I read that tomorrow is spirit day, so don't forget to wear something purple, it's a nice thing to do to acknowledge the LGBT youth and our opinion on bullying, something I have spoken and read a lot of articles on lately.

If anyone here is a baseball fan then I hope you enjoy the world series, I'm rooting for Texas, but why wouldn't I, it's still the team that brought us George Bush and we need to be thankful for that :)

Enjoy the rest of the week everyone......

Thursday, October 13, 2011

100 Posts and Those Republicans

Hey everyone, turns out today is my 100 post in this blog, like I said in the past, more than I thought I would ever get to, along with more followers than I expected.

I guess a lot has changed in those 100 posts, I have a lot of new email friends, I see myself in a different light and I feel different about myself, so i'm sure those are all advantages that will stay with me after I stop writing.

I do get the feeling that nothing is urgent anymore and that I rarely have something that I have to blog about or feel like is a matter of life or death, guess that's as normal as can be and might not be a healthy thing for my blog followers.

In the meanwhile I have used another email account I have to keep updated with advocate and websites of that nature. I find it hard to read about a lot of movements headed by republicans or just plain idiots that have the desire to repeal and reverse a lot of major decisions and actions that have happened and have increased our rights as a gay and minority group.

I'm sure that some of you reading this post have much more knowledge on the matter and could shed some more light on the subject, can any of the decisions/laws that have been changed be reversed again?

Could DADT, be enforced back into the army? could states that legalized gay marriage reverse that decision if the republicans take the congress seat in that specific state? It might sound like a very simple questions to most of you, but it interests me and I have to admit that I don't know enough on the subject.

Personally i'm not sure that I would get married and i'm not sure that i'm headed to the army yet, but it scares me that there is an option, if indeed there is, that things might change again in certain areas of the LGBT achievements as of lately.

In my day to day life, nothing exciting is happening in the moment, working hard, feeling good with myself and in full action as the season is here. We are all following the N.B.A situation and waiting to see what will happen.

I mentioned before that like most leagues in Europe we also have players in our league that have an N.B.A contract and will have to leave the second the strike is over, if indeed it will be over, it's interesting to see.

I also wrote about my friend that found out he his H.I.V positive, it's not been an easy time for him. I'm trying to help, but it's not easy all around, he's not very optimistic at the moment and it's my job to try to motivate him, which isn't always easy and I hate to say it, but sometimes is also hard on me.

It's funny that i'm already thinking about it, but I saw a great article about a city that I haven't visited yet and seems like a great place to enjoy my summer. So even though it's far far away, it's already on my mind, guess that's life.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Sleepless In Europe

Another week is moving along and with it the season is just around the corner. I'm excited and waiting to get underway.

I have to admit that lately I have been going around with a good feeling inside my heart, can't really explain it or do I have a specific reason for it, but that's just the way I feel.

The weird part is that at the same time I have been having real sleeping problems. I mean, it's not that I sleep 2 hours a night or something, but i'm waking up really early and can't get more than 5 hours of sleep at night.

I can't really explain it, I feel great pyshically, we have been working hard, but i'm handling it, the weight room and all the other things don't bother me too much. I make it back home real tired but still.

Guess there is something on my mind, can't put my finger on it, just know that it's a very weird situation. I can truly say that since the last summer I continued to devople, nothing practical has happened, but I feel like a different person.

Much easier going, feeling much more comfortable, reading more about "my world" and things of that nature. Of course all those things are things that are in the inside and not towards the outside world, but I believe this is the first step.

On the weekend I sat down and read a little about teenage suicide, especially the one's of Justin Aaberg and Jamey Rodemeyer, I'm almost sure that I mentioned this before, but this was a lot to take in.

I found myself in tears reading about them and about everything that transpired, we all know how cruel kids can be towards others, especially those who stand out in a crowd and are easy targets to pick on and get good reactions from the crowd around them.

I do wonder if the suicide is just because of the bullying or if there is more to the subject. Of course I didn't know any of those precious kids, but I'm sure that having to deal with being gay is something that is always hard, especially at a age like that.

Together with the bullying might just be too much, it's really so sad, kids taking their own life at an age like that, just writing about it makes my body shiver.

I know that this is life and that bullying will always be around and that younger kids are always more vulnerable, but it's hard to take in, along with the large number of kids that get rejected by their parents just because they are LGBT youth.

I guess it's just the way of the universe to remind us that we live in a cruel world where there is no real justice and life is far from perfect. We only wish that the good guys will always prevail but guess it's not meant to be, at least not in our world.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Stigma

Well, almost another week has gone by and practice is still intense, and hard, just like any pre season.

Wanted to start by thanking Robert for his comment on the last post, thanks for sharing the information. I sent the website to my friend. I'm sorry of course to learn that you have AIDS and I hope as you said that things are manageable and that things are at bay.

I can only agree from the side as to the stigma being one of the biggest issues around the whole disease, I see how my friend is feeling and how he is worried about the influence and what will happen if people found out.

I can only try to offer my support, try to make him take unpleasant decisions if needed and just try to help him manage himself to a certain point.

We all have to admit that our first instinct is to take a step back when we hear about something like this, but after that, I at least feel that not everything in life works the way you want it and being sick doesn't make anyone a worse person, so he deserves more support and less judging.

Lately I have been reading more gay websites and on the gay issue in general. I stumbled across an article on the advocate by Michael Lucas who is apparently a gay porn star, It's an interesting read.

He talks about the way negative gay guys behave or act around guys who are HIV positive. Also he basically says something that in least in my opinion or at least for the way I'm living now, which is mostly meeting guys on vacation, is correct.

Just assume everyone is HIV positive, always wear a condom and just be safe, that's my motto at least. It sounds a little harsh, but I have to agree that a guy that you meet at the bar or at a party, or some of you on the internet, is not exactly someone that you should believe everything he says and that includes if he is HIV positive or negative, and to a degree, just better safe than sorry.

I don't think it's a perfect solution and the condom can always break and there can be 101 bad scenarios, but this is life and that's some of the risks in life. Just as we can all do the right thing and still get hit by a bus or god forbid be in a car accident, we can't control everything, we can just try to minimize the chances of something happening.

If anyone wants to take a look, this is the link to the article :

On another note, I saw the YouTube video of the soldier coming out to his dad on his blog and via Skype. It was very touching and very real, was really moving when his dad told him a couple of times that he loves him no matter what. I always get very emotional when I see those sorts of videos and this time wasn't any different.

Finally, I saw online a nice billboard ad that in Memphis, showing a Soldier soluting and the caption reads : " I'm gay and I protected your freedom". Got to love it don't you? always nice and always touching to see those kinds of things.

It's great that it's out in the open, because gays always have been and always will be a part of the day to day life of everyone in our world and it's about time that people knew that and accepted it, at least that's what we can all hope for.

On a personal note, I met an american guy overseas once, he was cute and gay, I think I might of mentioned it. He was gay and out and his dream was to be a pilot in the air force, but he couldn't since he was out. I think about him every time I read about DODT and this week I can proudly smile that he got his chance now, what will happen no one knows, but sometimes all we need is just a chance.

Enjoy your weekend as always and for any of you following baseball, what the hell??????

Is the Red Sox and Braves melt down real? just couldn't believe it, but i'l give my take on it the next time.

Friday, September 23, 2011

First Encounter With HIV

Well. There is a subject that I thought about writing for a couple of months but wasn't sure if to share it or not, but I feel like it's about time.

As I mentioned in my blog in the beginning or in the first stages of my blog. I have two gay friends more or less that know about me and that have been in touch with me and have shared my stories and I have shared with them most of my adventures.

One of my friends is around my age, a real smart guy and a nice guy, someone who is always organized and always knows what he wants to achieve and is very useful a lot of times.

We are in touch and we sometimes see each other back home, but we usually communicate on facebook or skype during the season and we just fill each other on what's going one.

Around 6 months ago he asked me to call him on skype, something that usually doesn't happen. He had something to ask and tell me, he told me he met a guy in a party and that they went back to his house and had sex, he told me that the condom broke in the middle and that he was nervous about it.

I could understand his nerves and tried to help him calm down and basically after hearing the story I told him that it can happen and that I'm sure it's not a big deal and there is no reason to run to the hospital or to get too nervous over it.

I haven't talked to a lot of gay guys, but sometimes I hear or read about things of this nature and I'm sure that it can happen to anyone and you just shake it off, get checked and move on. I didn't see it any differently this time, so I just moved on.

During the summer when I was home, he called me and wanted to meet for lunch, something we do sometimes and I was looking forward to seeing him.

We met up in a local restaurant and just shared stories as always, then he told me he has something to tell me, I didn't think too much of it at the time, but then when he opened his mouth I was just fucking shocked.

He told me that he just got tested for HIV and that the answer came back positive, I couldn't believe it. He was a close friend and someone so responsible and so set in life, at least that's the way I looked at him, and to hear this news from him? I really couldn't believe it.

It was a tough day and tough lunch. I didn't know what to say and I felt as he didn't realize what has happened t him, we talked more and said our goodbyes.

Since that day we have been in contact frequently and I have nothing but comfort and support to offer him, he is on the way to finish all the forms filling and decision making on the way to get treatment and to see what exactly needs to happen.

I must admit that it's the first time that a friend of mine or anyone I personally know for that matter is HIV positive, not that it changes my feelings towards him. It just shows me that it can happen to everyone, even to someone I never believed that something like this could happen to.

He also tells me all the time that he feels like he is living up to the stereotype of the gay man and that's something he looks at as a sign of poor decision making. and he never thought it would happen to him.

I still have a hard time to accept and understand that its reality and this is really happened to him. As I said, I can only try to help him, support him and be there for him since I'm about the only person he told.

I decided to share with you guys just to show again that it can happen to anyone and aslo to prevent myself from having to hold this only to myself, as I feel I have enough secrets as it is.

Enjoy your weekend and remember to take care of yourself, sorry for sounding like a annoying parent, but it's the plain truth.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

A List - New York

Well, what can I say? we have been working hard so far, the team looks cool and so are the guys and the coaches. I'm feeling my muscles everyday and spend most of the time either at the gym or at home, but i'm feeling good about it.

However, the main thing this week has been finding and watching the show : A-List New York, if some of you haven't heard of it, well it's a reality show about a group of gay guys in NYC.

I usually don't watch reality shows, but for some reason I have started to watch this and I have watched the whole first season (9 episodes) in two days and i'm moving on to season two, classy ah?

For those of you watching, I will give you a short opinion of the guys in the show, I would be happy to hear your thoughts about it.

Derek - don't know why, but I kind of like him, even though he is a little bitchy and dramatic as are most of the guys on the show, he still is kind of cute, with the boyish look, a look that I have to admit I really like in general, he is not bad, but not sure a guy I would go out with.

Austin - Well, look ways, Liked him in his old version, now he is mostly fat (compared to the way he was three years ago) and annoying, but really annoying. I like his kind of guys, but guess I like the old him. His marriage is so fake that it's amazing, looks like he just cares about Reichan and nothing else, besides the fact that he comes off like a big asshole who just feels good making problems for others.

Reichan - Haven't heard of him until this show, even though he is supposed to be well known. He is a good looking guy and seems nice also, not my type, but all together he seems more calm and mature than most guys on the show. Besides the fact that he always has to have someone with him.

Ryan - Usually I have a kind of problem with the flamboyant types, and he is one of them, but besides him wanting to hear a little gossip, he seems like a good guy and someone that cares about others. Also a successful guy and a good friend and a caring person. I'm happy that I can feel good about him, makes me feel better with the gay in me.

T.J - funny kid, not really my type and a lithe annoying, but seems like a easy going and a guy that basically says what he thinks and acts like he wants, which is something to always respect, again, bothers me a little sometimes, but all together harmless.

Rodney - WOW, can someone teach him english? I can't stand his accent and he is annoying all the time, with the broken up english, don't know why but he really gets to me. I mean, it has to be a reason, I just don't really know it yet.

I also have to admit that i'm jealous sometimes when they show one of the guys or someone else in a relationship, for some reason since I started watching it, I have flashbacks and I think about the guy I met in the summer. I started to miss him and I wish I could see him or talk to him, but I know it's not going to be healthy or get me anywhere.

I hope that some of you out there are watching this show, if you are, I would really want to hear what you think. I know it's trashy and stupid, but i'm addicted to this show. So lets hear you, if you got something to say.

Hope everyone has some plans for the weekend, enjoy!!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Back Once More

So, it's time to start another season of blogging and basketball. I did put up a couple of posts here and there, but no it’s time to get serious. This is the third year that I will be putting up posts, hope it will be in interesting year.

Basketball wise, we are doing our thing, working hard, getting to know teammates, the system, the offense, defense and what not, and also working to get into better basketball shape and physical shape.

I don't know if anyone here is following EuroBasket 2011, but it's been a great tournament, it's still up and running. A big amount of N.B.A players and stars, such as Nowitzki, Tony Parker, Kerilnako, Batum, Turkuglo and so on. It's great to watch and I’m enjoying each game I get a chance to see.

Regarding my personal life, not a real change, haven't spoken with the guy I met on vacation for a couple of months now. It's getting easier and I don't think of him as much anymore, gives me more peace and quiet, even though I have to admit that I look on facebook from time to time to see if he's still single.

I know it's time to move on, it's not like I'm going to date anyway anytime soon, but at least I'm a little more at peace with myself and not going crazy thinking about him.

On a completely other subject, I’m sure that most of you know that gay men aren't allowed to donate blood. If you didn't, well most countries ban gays from giving blood, since it has a bigger risk of being HIV positive, at least that's what they claim.

First of all I don't understand why when the blood gets tested for HIV anyway is there a difference who donates it? I mean, can't you just not use the donation’s that are HIV positive? Of course if I’m missing something I would be happy to hear from any of you and to be more educated on the subject.

The funny thing is that I read a couple of days ago that the U.K is close to lifting the ban on gay men donating blood, but there is a catch, you have to go 12 months without having sex, is that a joke or did they lose it all together?

I mean, basically they mean they are going to lift the ban and still prevent from 70% ( a real rough estimate) of gay men to donate blood, so this has to be just nonsense, at least in my opinion.

There is always the fact that if I want to donate I can cause I’m not out and no one knows I’m gay, but I don't see the point, if my blood isn't good enough because I’m gay, then I guess there is no point in donating it anyway.

I think this is a subject that still needs to be looked at harder. I mean you can be straight and be very promiscuous and be in a higher risk than a gay man who is in a committed relationship, but I guess that doesn't really matter to anyone.

There are a couple more things I wanted to write about, but I'm after two practices today and I honestly forgot most of what I wanted to say. So I guess I will wish everyone a great weekend and enjoy the upcoming N.F.L season.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Seeing The World

Hey everyone, look at me go, writing posts left and right.

I just learned about the training camp that me and my team are headed to this year, so I decided to use this opportunity to tell you a little bit about my travels during the years.

Playing overseas gave me the chance to visit and go to places I never thought in my life that I would get the chance to visit.

Even though it's not really a visit since we don't spend more then 2-3 days in each country/city it's still something I can tell my grandchildren when I'm gray and old.

I have been in so many countries, so many shitty hotels, but also in really nice ones. I have seen great arenas and some that I rather forget.

Great games and great memories, terrible flights that you rather be practicing for five more hours than sitting on a plane on the red eye, so tired and uncomfortable That you can barely take it.

But also flights that your heart is so full of joy after a great game that you don't care about anything. That you feel on top of the world after a great game and a great win for your team that it's worth it all.

I have been almost everywhere already, almost no country left unvisited, no major city left untouched, it's something I will always treasure, at least looking back.

A lot of the times the visit itself isn't that great, but the memories are. Most of the visits contain a lot of food, a lot of gym time and games, not a lot of sightseeing, but just enough to remember where I was.

Besides that I'm doing well, feeling good about the places I'm going and where my life is headed, guess today was a good day.

I was asked here, if because of the strike I will get the chance to play against N.B.A players. well, I can just say that I played with players that played for a few if not more years in the N.B.A. I played against players that had a good N.B.A career and I'm going to play against some more because of the lockout, always nice I have to say.

Enjoy the weekend and your day

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Summer Moved On

So, even though i'm used to writing only from September to June, this year it feels different.

So I decided to check in and just write a little bit. First of all, if you haven't seen Dennis Rodman's speech last night, while being inducted into the hall of fame, watch it.

Really touching and special, he cried a little bit and I admit I also got a little emotional. Also always regarded him as a great player and a great character, what he has done, not many could do. Being a player that cares about the team and to be focused on what he does, without wanting to score and to shoot all the time, that doesn't happen too much.

As for me, I'm doing ok, getting over my summer crush and besides checking his profile on Facebook from time to time, I'm feeling better. Maybe being busy with the up coming season is helping me focus on other issues rather then thinking about him and what could have been.

Now that most of my day is focused on basketball I don't find a lot of me time, time that I can think and can just doze off and think about other things but basketball, but when that happens, I still think about the summer and how much fun I had with him.

I know that I can take a lot of positive things from all that happened in the summer, that it gave me the belief that good things can happen to me, regarding my personal life that is. I was hurt, but not by someones behavior, but I was just hurt from life itself.

It might not sound so different, but for me to know that I can experience all those beautiful things and to know that what happened doesn't have to do with the guy I liked and spent my time with is a lot for me.

In a sense I think that I miss what he represented as much as I miss him. I mean, cuddling, enjoying walking the street with someone I care for, going out, catching a movie, and basically just living.

I know now more than ever that I will come out, and not when I'm gray and old, but earlier, not that i'm judging anyone else, but I just know what's good for me and what I want.

I'm excited to feel this way, because it shows me that i'm accepting myself more and more with everyday that goes by. I still wish I had more time this summer and could enjoy myself more, but that's life for now, and after last summer it changed.

It showed me the good and the bad, but most of all it gave me hope, and that's the best thing I could have wished for. All this might sounds a little naive or simple, but it's just the way I feel at the moment.

So soon enough I will go about another season of basketball, a season I really am looking forward to, a season that I feel good about, after working hard this summer and feeling and knowing that the best is still to come.

When I think about it, i'm sure the best has not yet arrived, not only in basketball, but will take it a step at a time.

Friday, July 29, 2011


Hey everyone.

Hope you are all enjoying the summer, even though I'm sure that the hot wave across the U.S.A isn't helping anyone at the moment.

As for me, getting ready for the season, spending a lot of my time at the gym with the weights and the other half on the court working on my game. I like this time when I can work on things I don't get to do during the season, but it's also a lot of work and not an easy time to get prepared for the upcoming season.

In around a month or so I will be joining my team and starting the pre season, which usually is mostly un related to basketball. Working more on the psychical aspects, working on our shape and on our athletic skills, got to hate that, and boy do I hate that. Always a terrible feeling to run and work and practice without a ball and without the baskets, but just on other departments of the game. Of course it's a must, but no one said that I can't complain right?

As for the contract, I got more or less what I wanted, as I said before, it's not the same money that they have in the N.B.A, but I'm happy with what I signed for and it's for sure more than I expected to make when I just started playing as a kid. So now there is only the basketball part left.

Before that, I wanted to talk about something else, I'm going back to the guy I wrote you about, the guy that I spent my vacation with this summer. For the first time I felt really great about everything, but since I got back it's just been a whole bad month or so, not that I don't behave the same or do the same things I did before. It's just that I think about him all the time, at least when I'm alone with myself, listening to music or just thinking.

I know I can't do anything and I know that I went through this with other guys, guys who weren't worthy of my hearts and thoughts, unlike this guy who is worthy of everything. Usually after a week or two those other guys were gone in my head also, but this isn't the case, it doesn't get any better, it just hurts all the time.

We talked one or twice after I got back and I even started thinking about going back to see him again, but once we started talking about it, I started to realize that it's not something fair to do, at least not to him. Even if I did go, it would be for ten days or so and in the end we would be in the same place, sad to leave and not being able to do anything about it.

It's not like I could go for a month or two and see what happens, so why just hurt him more by seeing him and then leaving him. We stopped talking after a week or so, I emailed him my thoughts and feelings and that was about it, but there isn't a day when I don't look at his number and want to dial it, look at his facebook page and want to message him or just look at the picture and miss holding him.

I know there is nothing to do and I just want the time to pass, it doesn't matter that I'm a closeted man, it's just that I play basketball and we don't live in the same continent, I can't bring him over with me, even if I was out, cause he has his own career and life. I can't join him because I can't give up my career, it's just a lose lose situation with no solution to it, at least not one that I was able to think about.

We promised each other to stay in touch, but it just hurts too much and it's not happening, so I guess sometimes when life gives you lemons, you can't make lemonade. Which basically just means that sometimes life sucks and as I wrote him : "In a perfect world I could stick around and see what happens, but sadly enough life is far from perfect.

I'm still happy I met him, even though It brings me a lot of pain and bad days also, that's part of life, and as one of my favorite songs says :

Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Whoa, whoa
Guess I'd rather hurt
Than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call
But I'm a little drunk
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now

Oh baby, I need you now

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Middle Of The Summer - Part 3

After waking up the next morning I just walked around a little, took myself to a movie and just waited for the day to complete it's natural course.

I was about to go home in three days and I felt like those three days couldn't come any faster, it was such a big disappointment to me, not as much because of this specific person, but more because it was the first time I felt different.

I was so happy to find out that I'm capable of something like that and that not all the guys I find myself attracted to are doomed to be assholes, and all that blow up in my face after those last couple of days.

That night I decided to go back to the bar I met him in, just to have a drink, try to enjoy myself, knowing that this wouldn't happen anytime soon, or to be more specific, not in the next year at least.

After around an hour, I picked up a drink and leaned back on the wall and was just thinking. Suddenly I saw him come in, the second I saw him I started to feel not so hot. He saw me and came straight up to me, he told me that he knows I'm really mad, and I asked him if we could go outside and talk.

We ended up sitting on the stairs of a house near the bar. I told him more or less what I wrote here just a couple of paragraphs ago and that I just was really disappointed and that I deserved at least to hear from him, even if he decided that it's enough.

He was cute as always and said some things that I couldn't argue with, besides apologizing and saying that he was been selfish, he said that we spent a lot of time together, that we are both getting attached and he knew I was going to leave him in less then a week and probably never see him again and he didn't want to get hurt any more then he already will just by me leaving.

I know it's also selfish on my part, because this has no future and I'm just coming to have fun and enjoy myself and move on, so I could completely understand him. I got emotional in that conversation, and I think that was around the first time that I knew I had feelings for someone who was a good guy and good to me.

We decided to spend the last couple of days together and we did, he still made an effort, even though things did change after everything that happened, but he did try, but at that point it was just a feeling that he is trying to be with me, but worrying about not getting hurt at the same time. He still came after work and still spent a couple of nights.

After that talk I even showed some PDA with him, walking to my hotel, nothing huge, but something I hadn't done before.

He didn't want to stay and spend that last night with me, and I understood. I saw he was feeling it was getting to be too much and I was feeling just the same. It was a really sad goodbye and a real emotional one for me, not in the sense that I showed it, but I was just feeling a lot of emotions inside and so was he.

It was hard for him to leave and it was hard for me to let him go, we decided that we would stay in touch and maybe see each other again, We even had a long talk before I got on the plane to go home.

Since I got home it's been difficult for me, I know we can't be in touch. I want to, but it hurts me, I'm happy when we talk, but after that I really miss him and I have to understand his situation. He can and needs to meet other guys and move on with his life and me calling or wanting to be in touch would just make that unfair towards him.

So as much as it hurts me, we stopped being in touch. If i'm being honest, it's one of the most difficult things I had to deal with, I really really miss him and I have been quite down since I got back home.

I know he really liked me and I felt and feel the same, but it doesn't matter, cause no matter how I try to spin it, there is no way we can spend more than a couple of weeks a year together, at best, and that surely isn't fair for him.

I have been trying to put all of myself into the basketball and into getting ready for the next season. When I don't, I think about him and think about all of the situation and that it was the first time I actually had something meaningful with a special guy, even if it was short, it was the first time it meant something both for me and for the other guy.

I guess life goes on and eventually I will move on, not too much I can do anyhow, but in all of this, even though i'm feeling like shit now, I know I can feel great about the change in me and my ability to meet guys who deserve me and I deserve him. I haven't figured out yet if all this emotion is because of just him, or because of everything that happened and the knowledge that i'm not doomed and good times my still be waiting for me.

So that's my summer story, I couldn't hold it in for two more months, so I decided to share, I will be happy to hear anything you have to say and enjoy the rest of your summer.

P.S - Almost forgot, Great news about NY and gay marriage, I was so happy, I followed it very closely and read a lot about that matter. Not sure I will get married there, but so happy for those who want to do it and never got the chance until now.

It rocks!!!!!!

Middle Of The Summer - Part 2

Moving on, I decided to call him the next day, It wasn't that I felt like I was in love or that it was something so strong, but I enjoyed his company.

I called him, he told me that he was working until the afternoon, but that he will stop by after that. He said he will get there around 5, and of course I never give my phone number, so when it became six, I called to see what's up with him, he told me he didn't remember where the hotel was and that he was just walking around, lol.

After he found me at last, we want out to eat, it was nice and really fun, I usually have a problem going out to dinners or things like that with someone that is gay, I guess after all the years of paranoia, it sinks in. However, it was really nice and really fun, we ended up walking around the city a little bit and then grabbed a cab back to my hotel.

I was been difficult with him about PDA, but he understood that I'm not out and was cool with it. At this point he still didn't know what I do and what's my name, I just gave him the regular cover story that I always do, and I have to mention has improved with the years.

Anyway, he stayed the night again and then went off to work, he was a real cute guy and I started really enjoying his company, not to mention that it was another night that I didn't go out, but rather spent time with him.

The following day he stopped by after work again, we went to dinner and actually met up with one of his girlfriends which was nice, after that we all went to a movie, was nice and was also dark, so it was nice holding hands and things of that nature. After the movie he said he rather go back home, since he hasn't been there for the last three days, I tried changing his mind, but that didn't work.

Forgot to mention that at this point I told him my name and what I do, I felt safe with him and of course him and basketball wasn't a great match, so there was nothing to worry about, he was even cute enough to stay up with me one night and watch one of the N.B.A games, even though he could care less.

He was working a lot and till late hours, so we sometimes would meet just towards the late hours, around 10 and such and he usually would be tired, so we would just walk around, eat something and spend time together. This went on for a couple of days.

I always write about meeting the wrong guy and meeting assholes, that just make me run around and feel bad about myself. I mentioned that I thought it won't change and that this is a pattern that I'm doomed to follow.

At this point I was starting to feel differently, he was a great guy that always did the max to meet up with me, coming even after working from the morning till the evening and was always nice and warm and never made me feel like I had to convince him to show up, to go out, or to do anything.

The best part of our time together, at least for me was the cuddling, he was so cute and I always felt great with him. Usually I don't like that too much and it bothers my sleep, but with him I didn't even mind to sleep less, if it was just to enjoy his company.

After enjoying our days together, it became a routine and a great one, spending the day with someone and just being happy, but nothing lasts I guess and this was no different.

He called me late at night, telling me that he just finished working and is really tired and we might just be better meeting the following day, I didn't mind too much, he has been trying as hard as anyone can. The next day he worked again all day and our meeting was cancelled.

I didn't think too much of it at the time, but after I didn't hear from him the next day, I started to understand that something was wrong, he didn't answer my text or my call and I didn't hear from him for the next two days.

I started feeling bad at that point, not physically, but my emotions were getting the better of me and I was feeling like crap, I decided at some point that the only thing I can do as go out and try to enjoy the last couple days of my vacation.

I want out to that same bar, tried to have fun, wasn't really like before, I guess I was really hurt, no reason to go into too many details about that night, nothing that made me feel any better came out of it.

See you on part 3 in a couple of minutes :)

Middle Of The Summer - Part 1

Well, it wasn't planned or anything, as always didn't think about writing will I'm at home and not during season time, but had to share with you a little of my summer. To be honest, there aren't too many people I can tell this to, so I guess you are the chosen ones.

First of all, I will just say that i'm close to signing the deal I wanted and told you about, it will happen in the next ten days, if nothing surprising will happen. I feel great about it and about the opportunity that has been given to me, but that's not what i'm here for.

Writing this now will probably take some of the ideas I had for the beginning of the season, but I'm sure I will find something else to write about.

As any year in the last few years, after the season is over and before I sit back at home resting and getting ready for the new season I went on my yearly vacation.

I got in on a Monday evening, I was tired, but decided to go out anyway, it was nice, always nice after such a long time. I had a drink and danced a little, not too much, but just a little bit, again, it's so fun after such a long time that I didn't see a reason to wait too long.

I actually saw a nice looking guy dancing near me. I decided not to make a move and just to see how things play out, after a while he came up to me and we started talking and dancing, he was a nice and good looking guy and it was a great way to start my vacation, so I defiantly felt great after arriving there.

The next night I went out, had fun, danced and just relaxed, I got hit on, but there was no one I really liked so I didn't see any reason to go back to my hotel just for the sake of it, so I just grabbed some junk food on the way back and went to my hotel.

On my third night out I went to a nice local bar that I found, was small and crowded but with my kind of music, so it was great. After an hour or so, I saw a cute looking guy, he passed by me and stopped and looked at me and I did the same, but since I really had to use the bathroom I just smiled and stayed in the same place I was.

After 20 minutes or something like this he walked next to me and stopped to talk, we were talking about why none of us stopped to talk before, nothing major, was just some small talk, he was really cute, after a while we decided to leave together.

My hotel wasn't to far from the bar, didn't know that before, but that was nice to find out. He stayed the night and left for work in the morning, I took his number, I got the feeling he didn't think I would call, but I did, and from there on, a roller coaster started.

Since I don't want to write such a long post, I will just split it up to a couple of parts and you can decide when to read.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Vacation Time

Hey everyone.

It's Vacation time.

Before I leave for my couple weeks of fun I will have one last go at things.

Just wanted to say before I write my thoughts, that I'm ready for the vacation, packed and headed out. Excited about going out, having fun, eating whatever, whenever and just not having to be too serious.

Just a couple of things I want to share before I get on that plane and start to party.

First of all, I just saw bridesmaids, if you haven't seen it then you must, it's really really funny, unlike the hangover 2 which was mostly disappointing. Just a small recommendation from me, saw it with a teammate and his wife, was really nice.

Anyways, I promised to talk a little basketball before I head out. As I wrote last week, I'm just about to sign a new contract after I finished a one year deal. It was a nice year, the first year on a team is never easy but the people were nice and that helped.

I don't know where it will be and if I will come back to the same team or a new one, but one thing that I can proudly share is that unless something crazy happens, I'm looking at the best contract I ever signed since going pro.

Again this is not the NBA and I won't be making millions, but If this does happen then it would be much more than I ever thought when I was a kid, which makes me feel good, who would have believed.

The way it works now is that my agent is in charge of everything, he gets the calls and makes the negotiating, sometimes I might speak with a coach that wants to ask some questions and to hear about my interest in playing for him.

I must say that for me it was never only about the money, but about being in a good situation, playing quality minutes and above all having fun.

This job doesn't last forever and I want more than Money to show for it, I want to have memories and have a smile on my face once in a while. I want to have stories of great times that I Could tell my family and hopefully my kids one day, that would mean a lot to me.

As for you, I wrote this before; you have become my close friends, the people I share the good and the bad with. The people that don't judge but listen and try 2 accept.

It might not sound real, but It's very important for me, every new follower makes me smile, every comment on the blog makes me see other things and get new perspectives.

I also have had a couple of friends become email pals, some keep me up to date on every gay issue, some ask and tell about their life and mine.

Some seek advice or just to want to tell me that my blog helped them, some complement me on what I'm doing, some try to find out my name or where I play.

I can only sum it up in one word THANKS.

Never thought I would last so long and I'm already waiting for next year.

For those who want to find me during the summer, I'm only one email away, feel free any time, rain or shine, I promise to reply.

So enjoy your summer, try 2 smile and I will try to write a little during the summer and promise to be here come September.

Till we meet again.

Saturday, May 28, 2011


Hey everyone, hope you are all enjoying the weekend and celebrating memorial day with your family and friends.

I'm still not in the U.S.A, but plan on being there in the near future.

I'm doing well, enjoying the last days of our season, soon and another season of basketball will be over.

As for the title of my post, I'm not really talking about drugs in the recreational way, those I must admit I don't do, even though a lot of the Americans I played and play with do have a tendency to smoke some pot or grass or whatever.

Today there is more drug testing also, so it's problematic sometimes, but for me, it's not really a issue, since I don't really feel I have the need to take or try doing that.

However, for my the issue was different, around two years ago, I started getting really nervous before games and not feeling too well. I wasn't sure what the reason was, but a little thinking and consulting with about the one person who knew around that time that I was gay, it became obvious.

I was really worried about the whole gay issue, not if someone will find out, but I think it was around the time that I started to devote more hours to thinking about what it's like to be gay and what are the affects on my career.

Thinking about success and if I will succeed and become well known then maybe more people would be interested in my life. That the media will find out that i'm gay and I guess I was really worried about all that. Was worried what will happen to my career and basically it stopped being a game and it became something much more series.

I couldn't deal with the pressure up to the game, from warm ups to everything around, so I decided after talking with a friend and someone licensed.

Of course I didn't tell that licensed person that i'm gay, but just that i'm really nervous. I decided to take pills that will ease the tension and calm me down before the game.

I did that for around a year until I decided that I need to deal with things by myself and not with pills, also I think that I started accepting more the gay side of myself and that it's not the worse thing in the world.

I can say that i'm feeling much better and also playing better, I feel more relaxed and more calm during the game and the preparation for it.

I have to say, I was never addicted or anything, I only took one pill before every game and that's it, never two, never not in a situation of a game, so I knew how to control things and myself.

I'm happy I stayed balanced and i'm happier that I don't have a need for it now, also happy that i'm playing good, but I guess that's not something out of the ordinary.

guess that's about it for this time, before I wrap the posts up for this year, I think I have around another post or two before I head to vacation, so see you all next week, where I will try to talk a little about summer negotiations.

I'm finishing up my contract this year, I usually don't go into details of course, but can just say that i'm finishing up my first year on my current team and we will have to see what are my options for the future.

Till then :)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Everyone Coming Out?

Hey everyone, hope you are enjoying your weekend. As for me, all is well, working hard and trying to get some good results towards the end of our season.

As everyone wrote, both on outsports and some of the comments on my last post, most of the discussions lately are about athletes who have been coming out of the closet this year, which seems to be much more than ever.

My opinion? And again, please don't take it the wrong way, I might sound a little homophobic or not appreciative of some of what has happened lately, but just think about it before you react.

As for Will Sheridan? That's great that he is feeling good about himself and decided to come out, BUT again, he hasn't been playing for some years now, he doesn't have a active rule in sports and is just about to come out with an album, so that also might have something to do with it.

I do applaud him and I think it's great that he is coming out and helping others by reaching out, answering emails or just showing them that it's ok to be gay, but still it's much different than an athlete coming out while he is playing and while he has a active rule in sports.

As for the Suns gay president, I think it's great, he is still active in basketball and still has a part in running a N.B.A team. I think he is showing a lot of people about gay influence and that gay people can succeed and do a lot of things, with no relation to what they prefer to do in their personal life.

I of course haven't talked to him, but I'm happy about the reactions he is receiving, and I’m sure it's a big step inside the N.B.A for accepting gay people, BUT still, he doesn't play on the court, or coach, he doesn't have to receive reactions from the fans, who can be very taunting and very difficult.

I said this once, fans overseas tend to be much more aggressive, homophobic and racist than the American crowd and the damage outside the U.S.A for a sports player who comes out will be much bigger and it will be much harder to deal with.

As for broadcasters and people from the media, again, great news and I think it again shows to those who don't want to believe it, that gay people are just as a part of sports or anything else for that matter, and it doesn't matter if you’re gay, straight or bi, as lady gaga sings.

Regarding Charles Barkley? what else can you say, only great things and only positive things, always admired him as a players and I guess he should be rewarded the same admiration for the stand he took on the gay issue. It’s something that has been going on as long as I remember going on outsports and writing my blog, Sr. Charles will always be something special I have to say.

Last thing for this post, I read in one of the articles about Barkley, I think at least he was him that two of the writers wrote: "Cyd and I agree that it would not be anywhere near as hard for a pro athlete to come out as is generally perceived".

On a side note, I have to say that Jim Buzinski was the one who helped me start this blog and helped me with everything around it and I will always appreciate that.

However that saying pissed me off, how do they know if it's going to be difficult or not? Have they been there? Have they experienced it, have they been in locker rooms? Again, I’m not saying I can be 100 % sure what will happen when the time comes, but just because a lot of people encourage the subject doesn't mean that those who don't are also speaking their mind.

I tend to believe that most of those who are homophobic or against gays in sports or however you want to call it; will try to be as quite as they can as long as nothing major happens. After that, I’m sure there will be enough homophobes, just like Tim Hardaway and others

Just like Barkley, I also had gay teammates (at least I’m almost certain) and also played against gay players on different teams and still no one has ever come out. So I guess it must be a little harder than those who sit behind a desk think.

Enjoy your weekend.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Vacation And More

Hey everyone, hope all is well.

As for me, I'm doing good, and to answer Robert's question in my last post, the reason that we still have around a month left in the season is because of the post season. Our league starts around the same time as the N.B.A give or take a couple of days, and usually also ends around the same time.

Since my last post, not just the Lakers got knocked out, but also the Celtics, which was a disappointing for me, since I like their team and coach and dislike the Heat, but I guess it's not up to me. Nothing left but just to wait and see what happens from here.

On other matters, I started writing about my vacation plans last time around. So now I already have my destination and the time till the vacation is getting shorter.

I'm really excited, just as I am every year, just to let everything go, not have to think too much about what to do, no practice, no games, no press, no resting, no eating right, just doing whatever I feel like.

The thing that is bothering me, and that's after what happened couple years ago is what while happen if? If again, I fall for someone like the guy I wrote about a couple of months ago.

So far everyone I ever had feelings for turned out to be a teaser, someone that in the end only made me feel worst than I did before we met, so why should the next guy be any different?

I don't have control over who I fall for and I'm worried about history, the last time out I really got hurt and it really sucked, but on the other side I don't know what I can do to prevent it.

I can say I'm just looking to enjoy myself, but I already have learned that I don't really control my feelings, it's not a computer that I can just turn on and off.

I guess I will just try to have as much fun as possible, if I get myself into another situation with a guy I meet I will have to start thinking what to do. Even though last time it happened I couldn't do any logical thinking.

Everything was based on my emotions and heart and that resulted in a real bad couple of days during the vacation and a couple of bad weeks after it.

However, since I don't have any bright ideas I will just wait and find out what this summer has in store for me.

On a completely different note, I saw Sean Avery video regarding him supporting gay marriage, I think it's great and all the credit to him for doing this.

The thing I can't understand is those agents and players who tweet or facebook or write something negative towards this campaign or anything on the gay subject.

I don't mean that in a sense that they aren't allowed to voice their opinion, but the thing is that today it's very important for everyone who is dealing with the media to seem liberal and to be open minded, It's a kind of trend.

I'm not saying that everyone really believes in it, but it's the fashion now, it's fashionable to support gay subjects and it makes for good press. That's way without being too harsh, it's just really stupid of those people who are voicing their negative thoughts out in the open, they either get real bad press, lose clients or get fired.

Basically I mean, even if you aren't for it, just keep your mouth closed, and if you don't, well I guess you are going to pay for it.

I don't really mind if the press and everyone else is being a hypocrite in a sense and just taking "our" side on the issues and trying to show how much progress is being made.

Even if they don't really meant it, the publicity is good for us and for the gay rights and it sends out a message on what's acceptable and what's not.

Monday, May 9, 2011

D-LIST + Lakers Addition

Hey everyone, hope everyone is doing well.

For those watching the playoffs, wow, what can you say about the Lakers ah? did anyone expect that? specially yesterday, getting blown out like that.

For those who aren't, I'm sure you got better things to do than watch basketball.

I'm guessing that most of you know or heard of a website called d-list, well anyway, I also heard of it and I logged on, not to date of course, but to try and get more people to read my blog and maybe find more nice people to talk to and to get to know just like I did through this blog.

I called myself Anon_Bball and of course I would be happy to hear from any of you that have a profile on this site and wish to say hey or chat a little or of course help people hear about my blog.

I wish I could use this site to meet some nice guys, cause there are sure some good looking guys on there, but since I can't put up a picture and really let them know who I am, I don't see too much sense in doing that.

Besides that there is around a month and a half left before my vacation and i'm getting excited, have it down to two locations I need to choose from, but non the less, just getting excited thinking about it.

As you can guess I can go to most countries without anyone knowing me, but I need to find somewhere that has a good gay life and something to do besides that.

Every year I hope something special happens on my vacation, even though for most of the last years it brought me a lot of fun, but also some heart break and some bad times after that, but boys will always be boys I guess.

On a different note, I try to read and keep up with gay rights and gay sites that have interesting stories as much as I can, I read a lot about college players that come out, usually not in the major sports, but still it makes for a nice read and i'm happy they feel better.

I don't want to say it again, because I said it 500 times, but I will make it 501 none the less. It's great and i'm all for it, but things won't change until pro athletes that are well known and compete at top level, whether in the N.B.A/N.F.L and other major sports come out and go publicly with their sexuality.

I don't see that happening in the near future, and again, I don't expect anyone to come out, just too much at stake. All of us also tend to forget that most gay men in life find other solutions and go on and get married to a woman, have kids and just live without being what they wished they would.

None of us can judge them or put ourselves in their shoes, so I guess all of us just need to accept it and continue to wait.

Enjoy the rest of the week and before I forget, whether you are a Lakers lover or hater, Phil Jackson deserves a word for all he is done for coaching and for basketball, it will be interesting to see if he stays retired.

Till we meet again.

p.s - Most of the comments have been about the Lakers, so I just wanted to add a little of what I think on the subject.

I enjoyed watching the Lakers and the team that has come together to be one that will be remembered in the history of the N.B.A, however in this last year I think everyone slowly started to dislike the Lakers a little bit. I was hoping Boston will win last year, but that wasn't the case, however everyone knows that every dynasty will eventually end, and we all know it's the Lakers time.

As for Phil Jackson, I have a feeling that if in interesting challenge will come his way then he might come back in a couple of years. As for leaving the starts on the floor the whole fourth quarter. It might be a message of sort, Saying you are the one's who brought us until here, in the good times and in the bad times, so you need to be the ones who play it out.

None of this is can explain the way some of the Lakers behaved in the second half, and as a player and a person, it's easy to show character when you win, but it's much harder to do so when you lose, and some of the Lakers showed little class if any in that game 4.

I think that the Lakers understood after game 3 that this series is over and I think they fell apart mentally, and just didn't or couldn't give anymore in game 4, if you saw game 3, you could also see that Phil was much more emotional than usually, maybe he also had enough. One of his quotes after the game, might take us to that direction, when he said that he's glad this season is over.

What will the future hold for them? And how much gossip are we going to here in the near future, well, will just wait and see I guess

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Born This Way

Hey everyone, hope everyone is enjoying their weekend, as always.

I didn't think about writing today, but watching Glee brought me to write another post tonight.

Have to admit that I watch the show, and I like mostly the musical parts of it, anyone else a regular watcher?

Anyway, I watched Tuesday's episode and I have to admit that I'm a Lady Gaga fan and I liked the whole idea of the last episode. It also hit close to home, the last part when they were singing "Born This Way" was hard for me.

It's a song that has lyrics that really have meaning and really make me think sometimes. The main issue is that I was really born this way; no one asked me if I wanted to be gay and no one gave me a choice.

That's the cards that life dealt me and dealt most of us and we have to manage, I don't care what anyone says, being gay means you have it harder in life, It doesn't mean you can't succeed or be amazing, it just says that in this society you don't get anything easy.

The main thing for me is that I'm more accepting towards other gays than towards myself. When I use my brain and my rationale thinking I know I'm ok and that's just life, but when I get to my heart and deep inside I feel bad.

I know that I don't give any legitimacy to the gay part in me, I mean, I believe that we all have a couple of personalities in us, for me for example it's a basketball player as one personality and being gay as another.

I believe that it don't give enough legitimacy to the gay part, that I have my basketball cap on and I'm also homophobic towards myself and my gay part.

It's hard for me to say it, but sometimes what my teammates say in the locker room is what I think about myself, In a sense I feel much better about other gay men than about myself.

Now I know there is a big improvement in the way I treat my gay part and the way I accept things as compared to the way I used to a couple years back, it's still not enough, but it's getting better.

The hardest thing to accept is that in a sense I can't really control it, I can see it and feel it, but since it's more an emotional thing it's hard to change.

I just need to accept that I'm this way and maybe that way I could improve the way I think and "treat" the gay personality in me, but easier said than done.

After all he also has a hard life, he never does anything, he only gets around one vacation a year, think about yourself, I'm sure you would also feel bad living a lie almost all year every year.

Again, I'm just saying at as I see and feel it, I know I was born this way, now I just need to accept it, but it's a process and it takes time..

And I think the Glee episode and Gaga's song really hit home on that.

Enjoy your

Monday, April 25, 2011


Hey everyone, hope you are enjoying the playoffs, I sure am, at least the games that come on at normal hours of the day for me.

Today I wanted to write a little about something that has to do with me as an athlete, and doesn't have a big connection to me being gay.

Without going in to dates, a while back I suffered a serious knee injury that had me out for a real long time and required me to have an operation.
It happened to me during the season and I had to be sidelined and i went in to an operating room not long after.

After that came a month almost of barely doing anything, besides eating on having crutches to walk on, at least I get to be back in the U.S.A for a couple of weeks and had a chance to clear my head.

Through all this there is rehab, it's so hard and frustrating sometimes. I had to do the same thing almost every day and you barely improve, it's such a long process that sometimes you don't know what's ahead of you.

The worst thing through everything was not playing basketball, and not being a part of a team. I can honestly say that I didn't want my team to win sometimes, I didn't want to be left behind or forgotten and I wanted people and my team to remember that i'm in important part and they need me.

It came to the point that I couldn't watch games, I felt so bad, I wanted them to lose, but I was also completely bored. I think that In a sense I put basketball on the side for all that time. It was too painful and just showed me how strong my feelings for the game are.

I did more reading, more websites checking, more talking anonymously with people, but mostly doing everything or anything that doesn't have a touch to basketball.

I think it was the worst time I had since I became a basketball player. I worked so hard, everyday and sometimes twice a day, physiotherapy, weight room, running, lifting , shooting, anything you could think of, I did it, even got the chance to have sex once in all that time, but I won't tell if you don't, lol.

After the surgery and while sitting out, I hoped everything will go well, but you can never know after an operation, and sometimes you have to think about the worse, mostly I had a supportive family and friends, but some had to talk to me about reality.

I had to take into consideration that maybe something will go wrong, and then what's next? I didn't really want to think or talk about it, and I was also very positive that things will work out.

After a lot of hard work, I was back in practice, I was having so much fun and feeling great, when everything was said and done I can tell you that I came back healthy, my knee was strong and stable and I have been feeling well since. It was a dark time, a time that I think I connected to my gay side and left the basketball side on the sidelines.

After coming back, it took me sometime to get back to business, both psychically and mentally, cause I was already in a different place all during rehab, but gladly this story does have a good end to it, and so far so good.

Wanted to share this personal thing with you, even though it's mainly about basketball, but it also reminded me that some things in life are worth treasuring while we have them, cause we can lose them in a second.