Thursday, July 7, 2011

Middle Of The Summer - Part 3

After waking up the next morning I just walked around a little, took myself to a movie and just waited for the day to complete it's natural course.

I was about to go home in three days and I felt like those three days couldn't come any faster, it was such a big disappointment to me, not as much because of this specific person, but more because it was the first time I felt different.

I was so happy to find out that I'm capable of something like that and that not all the guys I find myself attracted to are doomed to be assholes, and all that blow up in my face after those last couple of days.

That night I decided to go back to the bar I met him in, just to have a drink, try to enjoy myself, knowing that this wouldn't happen anytime soon, or to be more specific, not in the next year at least.

After around an hour, I picked up a drink and leaned back on the wall and was just thinking. Suddenly I saw him come in, the second I saw him I started to feel not so hot. He saw me and came straight up to me, he told me that he knows I'm really mad, and I asked him if we could go outside and talk.

We ended up sitting on the stairs of a house near the bar. I told him more or less what I wrote here just a couple of paragraphs ago and that I just was really disappointed and that I deserved at least to hear from him, even if he decided that it's enough.

He was cute as always and said some things that I couldn't argue with, besides apologizing and saying that he was been selfish, he said that we spent a lot of time together, that we are both getting attached and he knew I was going to leave him in less then a week and probably never see him again and he didn't want to get hurt any more then he already will just by me leaving.

I know it's also selfish on my part, because this has no future and I'm just coming to have fun and enjoy myself and move on, so I could completely understand him. I got emotional in that conversation, and I think that was around the first time that I knew I had feelings for someone who was a good guy and good to me.

We decided to spend the last couple of days together and we did, he still made an effort, even though things did change after everything that happened, but he did try, but at that point it was just a feeling that he is trying to be with me, but worrying about not getting hurt at the same time. He still came after work and still spent a couple of nights.

After that talk I even showed some PDA with him, walking to my hotel, nothing huge, but something I hadn't done before.

He didn't want to stay and spend that last night with me, and I understood. I saw he was feeling it was getting to be too much and I was feeling just the same. It was a really sad goodbye and a real emotional one for me, not in the sense that I showed it, but I was just feeling a lot of emotions inside and so was he.

It was hard for him to leave and it was hard for me to let him go, we decided that we would stay in touch and maybe see each other again, We even had a long talk before I got on the plane to go home.

Since I got home it's been difficult for me, I know we can't be in touch. I want to, but it hurts me, I'm happy when we talk, but after that I really miss him and I have to understand his situation. He can and needs to meet other guys and move on with his life and me calling or wanting to be in touch would just make that unfair towards him.

So as much as it hurts me, we stopped being in touch. If i'm being honest, it's one of the most difficult things I had to deal with, I really really miss him and I have been quite down since I got back home.

I know he really liked me and I felt and feel the same, but it doesn't matter, cause no matter how I try to spin it, there is no way we can spend more than a couple of weeks a year together, at best, and that surely isn't fair for him.

I have been trying to put all of myself into the basketball and into getting ready for the next season. When I don't, I think about him and think about all of the situation and that it was the first time I actually had something meaningful with a special guy, even if it was short, it was the first time it meant something both for me and for the other guy.

I guess life goes on and eventually I will move on, not too much I can do anyhow, but in all of this, even though i'm feeling like shit now, I know I can feel great about the change in me and my ability to meet guys who deserve me and I deserve him. I haven't figured out yet if all this emotion is because of just him, or because of everything that happened and the knowledge that i'm not doomed and good times my still be waiting for me.

So that's my summer story, I couldn't hold it in for two more months, so I decided to share, I will be happy to hear anything you have to say and enjoy the rest of your summer.

P.S - Almost forgot, Great news about NY and gay marriage, I was so happy, I followed it very closely and read a lot about that matter. Not sure I will get married there, but so happy for those who want to do it and never got the chance until now.

It rocks!!!!!!


  1. hey, just came across ur blog. gonna start from the beginning....just thought u should read 'The Locker Room' by Amy Lane. It's about two best friends who fall in love and end up in the NBA and have to stay in the closet....It really is an amazing book. I'm not a big reader myself but gay novels just help me deal with shit i go through just by reading about others going through similar things.
    Sorry that it didnt work out with that guy.

  2. Thanks for sharing your summer experience. It is so hard to meet somebody on a vacation and expect anything more than what you got, and it seems it played itself out as best as it could. You CAN meet guys who you like and like you back. That has been confirmed Hopefully you will eventually be able to meet folks where you live/work most of the time.

    Good luck next season.

  3. This is a really bittersweet story. It's too bad that circumstances don't allow this relationship to grow even though both of you wish it could. Obviously the whole situation is painful, but have you considered trying to stay in touch as friends? From what i've read, it doesn't seem as though you have many gay friends. He seems to be a good guy, you made a good connection, and have some feelings for each other. If you wind up with a good friendship that's still something worth having. It seems to me that would be better than completely losing touch.

  4. Happened to come across ur blog.

    Superinteresting man! :))))

    Keep it up!!!

    Wondering how a gay basketballer will do in ur future !!!!!!!!

  5. wow., What a surprise. I was just kind of trollling my bookmarks and clicked on your site, thinking there wouldn't be anything new. You know I always love your posts. So did you hear sbout the new contract? Keeping my fingers crossed. It sounds like you had a nice vacation even if the ending was a little shaky. You work hard playing. It can't be easy so you deserve a nice vacation. Why not keep your summers free? I know family is nice (and necessary) but before the season starts again leave early and take another 10 days or so off for yourself. Meet some more boys and go into the season feeling really good.

  6. I hadn't checked your site in awhile, was surprised you had some posts I hadn't read. Man, after reading them I feel so frustrated for you. I can relate to this in the sense that your evolving and your advancing and yet your situation stymies what can actually happen. I'm a closeted person too so I can really relate to your situation. In a way your vacation that you look so forward to was at the same time the best ever and in a way it was ruined. Since that's the little time you get to actually be yourself and so much of it went to "waste" since you met someone you were into but couldn't enjoy the whole trip with. Man, what a rough deal but I guess we/you (closeted folks) put ourselves in these kinds of spots.

    But I'm glad you had the time with him and it opened something up in yourself to see what can be. I hope your feeling better about it all!!!