Middle Of The Summer - Part 3

After waking up the next morning I just walked around a little, took myself to a movie and just waited for the day to complete it's natural course.

I was about to go home in three days and I felt like those three days couldn't come any faster, it was such a big disappointment to me, not as much because of this specific person, but more because it was the first time I felt different.

I was so happy to find out that I'm capable of something like that and that not all the guys I find myself attracted to are doomed to be assholes, and all that blow up in my face after those last couple of days.

That night I decided to go back to the bar I met him in, just to have a drink, try to enjoy myself, knowing that this wouldn't happen anytime soon, or to be more specific, not in the next year at least.

After around an hour, I picked up a drink and leaned back on the wall and was just thinking. Suddenly I saw him come in, the second I saw him I started to feel not so hot. He saw me and came straight up to me, he told me that he knows I'm really mad, and I asked him if we could go outside and talk.

We ended up sitting on the stairs of a house near the bar. I told him more or less what I wrote here just a couple of paragraphs ago and that I just was really disappointed and that I deserved at least to hear from him, even if he decided that it's enough.

He was cute as always and said some things that I couldn't argue with, besides apologizing and saying that he was been selfish, he said that we spent a lot of time together, that we are both getting attached and he knew I was going to leave him in less then a week and probably never see him again and he didn't want to get hurt any more then he already will just by me leaving.

I know it's also selfish on my part, because this has no future and I'm just coming to have fun and enjoy myself and move on, so I could completely understand him. I got emotional in that conversation, and I think that was around the first time that I knew I had feelings for someone who was a good guy and good to me.

We decided to spend the last couple of days together and we did, he still made an effort, even though things did change after everything that happened, but he did try, but at that point it was just a feeling that he is trying to be with me, but worrying about not getting hurt at the same time. He still came after work and still spent a couple of nights.

After that talk I even showed some PDA with him, walking to my hotel, nothing huge, but something I hadn't done before.

He didn't want to stay and spend that last night with me, and I understood. I saw he was feeling it was getting to be too much and I was feeling just the same. It was a really sad goodbye and a real emotional one for me, not in the sense that I showed it, but I was just feeling a lot of emotions inside and so was he.

It was hard for him to leave and it was hard for me to let him go, we decided that we would stay in touch and maybe see each other again, We even had a long talk before I got on the plane to go home.

Since I got home it's been difficult for me, I know we can't be in touch. I want to, but it hurts me, I'm happy when we talk, but after that I really miss him and I have to understand his situation. He can and needs to meet other guys and move on with his life and me calling or wanting to be in touch would just make that unfair towards him.

So as much as it hurts me, we stopped being in touch. If i'm being honest, it's one of the most difficult things I had to deal with, I really really miss him and I have been quite down since I got back home.

I know he really liked me and I felt and feel the same, but it doesn't matter, cause no matter how I try to spin it, there is no way we can spend more than a couple of weeks a year together, at best, and that surely isn't fair for him.

I have been trying to put all of myself into the basketball and into getting ready for the next season. When I don't, I think about him and think about all of the situation and that it was the first time I actually had something meaningful with a special guy, even if it was short, it was the first time it meant something both for me and for the other guy.

I guess life goes on and eventually I will move on, not too much I can do anyhow, but in all of this, even though i'm feeling like shit now, I know I can feel great about the change in me and my ability to meet guys who deserve me and I deserve him. I haven't figured out yet if all this emotion is because of just him, or because of everything that happened and the knowledge that i'm not doomed and good times my still be waiting for me.

So that's my summer story, I couldn't hold it in for two more months, so I decided to share, I will be happy to hear anything you have to say and enjoy the rest of your summer.

P.S - Almost forgot, Great news about NY and gay marriage, I was so happy, I followed it very closely and read a lot about that matter. Not sure I will get married there, but so happy for those who want to do it and never got the chance until now.

It rocks!!!!!!

A Special Trip - Part Four

Hey Again

Back to the story:

I waited for him to text or call me in the last day so we could meet up, I knew he had to work late so I was patient and waited, didn't want to hassle and call or text, since I was the last one checking what’s up for tonight.

The time passed on and he didn't call, I was in my hotel and I was waiting, not to mention that since I started meeting him every day I stopped going out to clubs and bars, something that usually doesn't happen to me during vacation, guess I really felt something in that situation.

The time continued to move on and I heard nothing, just saw him online on facebook, but said I won't send anything; I don't want anything to come off as a petty meeting or something of the sort.

I went to sleep with a bad feeling and a big disappointment and didn't know how I would get out of this one with my heart in place and my head ready for basketball workouts and getting ready and in shape.

I already got to the airport in the morning and I logged on to my facebook, a minute after I logged in there was a long message from him, he apologized for not calling and not meeting, he said that he got back home and just passed out, after two nights with very bad sleep, that’s something I can relate to of course.

I must say that the message helped me out, I felt better and in less pain over the entire situation. I even got him something small, but didn't get the chance to give it, so he said I could do it the next time I come and visit him.

Now when I look at things, some thoughts come to mind, was it even serious, could it ever be, since we don't even live in the same country, or even close for now. How does he feel, was it a more friendly thing then I think, even thought I don't think that all the kissing and all the nights together, even though it was just "sleep over's", but I do think It meant something, but I also am not to formalized with the code of behavior in our WORLD.

My biggest question for myself was, is and will be did I fall in love with him, or with the idea of meeting up after all those years and having a great time. The option of talking to someone about what I really do and what I live for and things of that nature, it was great, really great.

Not having to make up stories about what I do and just being the same guy I am on a regular base and basically just taking two aspects of my life and combining them together for almost the first time.

After getting back home and meeting with two people who I talk to about everything I came to most of the conclusions I mentioned in this story, and could only fully realize after this had happened.

I know nothing good will come from a guy like this, I mean maybe if someone wants to be his friend, but be involved with him? I know that he is a teaser, just like I mentioned and once he hooks you, he just plays with you, and that’s exactly what happened to me.

No real relationship has to have all the suffering of not knowing what’s going on and always having to chase the other guy up. Also sharing some emotions and not hearing back also says something, just as him making me chase him around all the communication centers: phones, email, facebook and so on.

We haven’t kept in touch since, his gift was given to a friend and I stopped talking to him all together, the truth is that since I met him I knew he was a tease, he would be in touch with me and then disappear for 4 months and then the same would happen. He would always get back to me a couple a weeks after I looked for him, when it wasn’t relevant any more.

I still wish that it wasn’t the case and it did hurt a lot in the beginning but I guess the only right thing for me was to move on.
It brings up a big question, if I’m noticing that this is the kind of guys I’m falling for, why continue? If each one will just continue to frustrate me, why should I go ahead with it, maybe it’s better not trying then ending up suffering badly every time after.

This is a story that was hard for me to share, it shows that I’m also vulnerable like a lot of other people and that doesn’t matter how much success or happiness you have in one aspect of your life, it doesn’t say anything about other aspects.

I still sometimes think was it him or was it the idea and the teasing that I just got hooked on so fast, I guess I will find out after my next relationship, if it will come.

I will close with the question that I believe people have been asking and will continue asking for ages: Why do we continue doing things that in the process hurt us so much, I enjoyed my time with him and seeing each other, but all the other hours the pain and suffering was not something I ever felt before, so I guess nothing in life is perfect.

Last Time

Hey

Hope everyone is doing well, small response to a comment that was left before I move on. About sharing a room with teammates,
it's usually a policy all over the basketball world overseas, doesn't have anything to do with how much a room costs, or the sorts,
it's just the way things work in those areas of the world.

Anyway, this is more or less the last post that is directly connected to the last summer. On the last night out before leaving to go back home , I went out to a bar, I already felt that the trip went well and I was in a good mood, which I always thinks makes the chances of anything good happening better.

After 20 minutes a cute guy came up to me and said hey, he was really shy and just said hey and left. I hoped he would come back, after a while he did, he was with friends who wanted to go somewhere else.

I told him that it would be cool if he stayed out to hang around a little, he decided to stay and from there on we just had a really great time.

I'm not talking about him being the sexist or hottest guy I met, but it was just the he was cool, easy going and fun. We stayed until the late hours of the night, just dancing like crazy, there were songs that we both loved, and we just danced and danced and danced, so fun I can't even explain.

Maybe it was just the great mood I was, maybe it was just the fact that it was my last night, maybe it was both of them together, but it was just great.

We ended up spending the night together, something that usually doesn't happen, since most of the time I don't stay over until the morning, but it was just nice, calm and genuine fun, so It was different.

After that we said our goodbyes and I made the trip back home, but it definitely closed a cool summer and vacation with a good feeling.

I'm waiting for next summer already, the truth is that it's not on my mind right now, but I'm sure as time comes closer it will be.
For now, I'm basketball minded, got no choice, it's still my job. :)

P.S - if any of you that follow my blog got the chance to go to the gay games, I would be happy to hear from you and hear about experiences that you took from there, it sounds like a real big adventure.

Well, I had a long day and the bed has my name all over it, so enjoy your week and will be in touch soon. :)