Wondering

Hey everyone.

Hope you are all enjoying the summer, even though I'm sure that the hot wave across the U.S.A isn't helping anyone at the moment.

As for me, getting ready for the season, spending a lot of my time at the gym with the weights and the other half on the court working on my game. I like this time when I can work on things I don't get to do during the season, but it's also a lot of work and not an easy time to get prepared for the upcoming season.

In around a month or so I will be joining my team and starting the pre season, which usually is mostly un related to basketball. Working more on the psychical aspects, working on our shape and on our athletic skills, got to hate that, and boy do I hate that. Always a terrible feeling to run and work and practice without a ball and without the baskets, but just on other departments of the game. Of course it's a must, but no one said that I can't complain right?

As for the contract, I got more or less what I wanted, as I said before, it's not the same money that they have in the N.B.A, but I'm happy with what I signed for and it's for sure more than I expected to make when I just started playing as a kid. So now there is only the basketball part left.

Before that, I wanted to talk about something else, I'm going back to the guy I wrote you about, the guy that I spent my vacation with this summer. For the first time I felt really great about everything, but since I got back it's just been a whole bad month or so, not that I don't behave the same or do the same things I did before. It's just that I think about him all the time, at least when I'm alone with myself, listening to music or just thinking.

I know I can't do anything and I know that I went through this with other guys, guys who weren't worthy of my hearts and thoughts, unlike this guy who is worthy of everything. Usually after a week or two those other guys were gone in my head also, but this isn't the case, it doesn't get any better, it just hurts all the time.

We talked one or twice after I got back and I even started thinking about going back to see him again, but once we started talking about it, I started to realize that it's not something fair to do, at least not to him. Even if I did go, it would be for ten days or so and in the end we would be in the same place, sad to leave and not being able to do anything about it.

It's not like I could go for a month or two and see what happens, so why just hurt him more by seeing him and then leaving him. We stopped talking after a week or so, I emailed him my thoughts and feelings and that was about it, but there isn't a day when I don't look at his number and want to dial it, look at his facebook page and want to message him or just look at the picture and miss holding him.

I know there is nothing to do and I just want the time to pass, it doesn't matter that I'm a closeted man, it's just that I play basketball and we don't live in the same continent, I can't bring him over with me, even if I was out, cause he has his own career and life. I can't join him because I can't give up my career, it's just a lose lose situation with no solution to it, at least not one that I was able to think about.

We promised each other to stay in touch, but it just hurts too much and it's not happening, so I guess sometimes when life gives you lemons, you can't make lemonade. Which basically just means that sometimes life sucks and as I wrote him : "In a perfect world I could stick around and see what happens, but sadly enough life is far from perfect.

I'm still happy I met him, even though It brings me a lot of pain and bad days also, that's part of life, and as one of my favorite songs says :


Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Whoa, whoa
Guess I'd rather hurt
Than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call
But I'm a little drunk
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now

Oh baby, I need you now

Lonely

Hey, Two posts in three days, look at me go :).

Anyways I have a couple of minutes before leaving for practice so just wanted to share what's on my mind.

Like everyone I have better days than others, when I'm feeling happy and content and don't really feel like anything is bothering me or in my way.
However there are days and times when being lonely hits me. The last couple of days its been like this.

This is the best place for me to share it, since you "know" my story, anyway I have those times when I feel really alone and I start thinking of others things besides basketball, or better yet, only things outside of basketball.

Like every year I'm waiting for my vacation that is around the corner, around two months more or less before I can go have fun again.

The last week, I have just been feeling empty, not doing anything the whole day, just going to the gym twice a day, do my routine, work out hard, enjoy practice and go back to my four walls and my lonely home.

This is the time that I really want someone with me, badly, not talking about sex of course, but something more meaningful than that, someone to live with, to laugh with, someone to have a family with when the time comes. Even now that It's still too early for kids, I find myself thinking about kids a lot, about a family and about a different life.

I'm sharing this because you are my friends, even if not friends that know how I look or who I am on the outside all of you more or less already know me on the inside. I'm really not looking for people to tell me that maybe I should rethink my choices in life, because i'm not going to be leaving basketball any time soon, but just to share a little bit.

I hope somehow to meet someone while playing, this is difficult, but I'm still hoping maybe a miracle can happen. It's funny, I have so many friends on facebook, most of them of course are basketball fans, whom I don't really know, some of them also really hot, but you know, I can't really go up to them on facebook and ask them out on a date.

First of all I don't know if they are gay, secondly, well you already know what's the second problem. I also see on facebook a lot of gay guys from the states, people I would really like to try to talk to, but I can't really do that, and if I try opening a fake account.

I mean no picture or anything, I cant exactly open a conversation or make new friends without them knowing how I look like, I mean it's the starting point to a friendship or anything usually, not fun to hear, but that's the truth.

Guess that's more or less what I wanted to say and was on my heart, enjoy Sunday and enjoy your family :)

Time Moves On

Hey again,

Well, i'm a couple of days after the last post which was one my longest and more serious posts I had, anyway just wanted to follow it up a little bit.

I mentioned this, but just shortly in one of the posts, after getting back home from my vacation and all this ordeal I was a mess for a couple of weeks.

It took me time to get over the jet lag and the nights were long and I wasn't in a friendly mood most of the days. I was feeling lonely and mostly disappointed, i'm not sure that the reason was that specific guy, of course in the beginning it was only because of him.

I was still hoping he would call or email or facebook me or whatever, I decided on my end not to try and reach him, but to wait and see if anything would happen, after a couple of days that I didn't hear from him I just decided to call it quits.

I mean I was still hoping, but I deleted him from my facebook, because to be honest, why would I want to see pictures of him and be reminded all the time.

I was in the same mood for a couple of weeks, at same point it moved from being about him to being about myself, I mean, I was always thinking about him, but also worrying about, as I mentioned, is it the kind of guys that I will always be attracted to?

I was thinking about a family and having a partner and kids and so on, a little early, but still was thinking about it and worrying about what will happen with the next guy I meet or have a crush on or decide I want to date.

It was a certain time that the feeling was like, if i'm going to attract someone who I know from the get go isn't going to be serious and only leave me chasing him and being frustrated so why should I even try it.

Maybe i'm just better of enjoy partying, having one night stands and moving on, but we both know that it's not something that I could do, or that I can see myself doing for longer than a couple of days.

All of us, or at least most of us want to find that special someone and that guy who will be there for a long time. So guess I will just have to figure out or work on the kind of guys I fall for, hopefully it can be done.

In those couple of weeks I was also really sensitive, would shed a tear from every stupid TV show that someone ends up kissing or in love.

A friend of mine recommended I watch Bear City, I did,its about a young guy falling for a older gay bear, I most say that it's not my kind of guys, I mean no disrespect but I don't get turned on by those kind of guys.

I don't think its a master piece or anything, and the sex scene weren't enjoyable for me, but I did get excited and I was happy when the young guy, who was actually cute, ended up getting the guy he wanted and chased the whole movie, so I guess it also had to do with my emotional situation at the time :).

Hope you enjoy your weekend.