Hey
Sometimes when I have time for myself and I want to try and put my thoughts on "paper" and put a post up on my blog, my mind doesn't want to cooperate with me and I feel like I don't have a clear idea, usually when that happens I just try to see what comes up as I continue writing.
It's not time to sum things up yet, and me and my team still have time left on this season, but everyone is starting to reach the later stages, just like the NBA, it's this time of year in the basketball world and it couldn't be greater.
Of course with time going by the games become more crucial and the pressure is bigger, but on the other hand that's what every athlete waits for, to have those games that mean everything, that a win means you advance and move on and a lose might send you home.
I always love that sentence on ABC or one of the channels that broadcasts the NBA games "Win Or Go Home".
On the other hand it can be also very cruel, because when it's money time nothing you did all season long counts any more.
Just like Dallas lost to the spurs, and suddenly no one remembers that they were second in the west coast, I guess there is a reason they say that timing is everything in life.
I hope our timing will be good this year and when money time arrives we will do what is needed, but I guess only time will tell.
Besides that I can't think about anything special that is going on in my life, but I did think a little bit about trying to compare a gay guy's life to a striaght guys life.
of course that being straight is much easier in the eye of society and they aren't judged on every move or they have it much easier when it comes to family, to starting one and living out their life.
However my opinion isn't objective, because I'm of course gay, I'm sure that straight guys have a lot of problems in life just like us gay guys. So maybe society usually is easier on them, but that doesn't mean that they feel that about themselves.
It's obvious that a lot of straight guys might also feel like failures, feel that they aren't achieving anything and feel that they aren't reaching the potential and the ability that they can.
I think that the gay community in general takes on the part of the victim a lot of times, I know that sometimes it's right, but also sometimes it looks like that what they are basically saying is that we are victims and we don't get what we deserve.
There are a lot of cases that this might really be the issue and reality, that gay's get discriminated and suffer much more in order to achieve everything in life, but it might also send the wrong message to a lot of gays, that we have to have that felling of not equals or not "getting" what we deserve.
Through this blog I have found out about a lot of guys that built a family for themselves, found a partner they love, went on to adopt kids and just be happy in their life and what they made of it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I can't relate to the issues that straight men have, I'm sure they also have their troubles in life and their battles and maybe sometimes we take on ourselves the victim part to strong.
It's a fact, at least in my book, that we didn't chose to be gay, it was chosen for us, and yeah, life would be easier if we weren't, but the question is what each one does with himself after he accepts that fact.
It's easy to feel a victim and to feel like you got screwed over, Believe me, I have felt that for a long time, the question is what each one does after that, and in that department I guess it's every man for himself.
Just to be clear, when I say gay community, I mean the people who belong to the community.
I'm not trying to say that it's a movement thing or a decision made by a small group representing gay's around the world, but just in the general sense of things, and again, of course it's not every one as a whole, but just something that can represent a lot of gay guys.
I will finish with a nice quite song
I'm standing on the edge of time
I Walked away when love was mine
Caught up in a world of uphill climbing
The tears are in my mind
And nothing is rhyming, oh Mandy
Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Mandy
well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Mandy
Showing posts with label Pressure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pressure. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
A New Page
Well, I already had a post ready for this week, but decided to make a last minute change. First of all I'm happy to have more readers join my blog and I send my thanks to Jim who helped me out with everything and also had the confidence to believe my story and give me a small stage.
I wrote this before, but I will repeat it for all the new comers, I decided to start this blog first of all to share my thoughts, my desires and some of the things I deeply want and can't have or can't talk about. It gives me a great feeling to receive emails and hear from others with a story that's related to mine, or even people who just want to give a good word.
Of course another thing that came out of all this is the opportunity to help out other people, whether youngsters or people around my age who can also benefit from talking and sharing, it wasn't the reason i started this blog, but surely it's a pure bonus.
If there are some that aren't sure if I am who I claim to be, I can just say that I have my truth and for me it's enough, from here on out you can take it to anywhere you feel is right,good or bad.
Basketball wise, I usually don't tell too many stories or talk about my games for logical reasons, like every league across the world, or at least most of it, this is getting close to the last period of the season, and the playoffs, just like the NBA.
It's always fun to play on a team that competes in the high level, and that playoff time is when the team and each individual get the chance to prove their hard work all season paid off, so I hope to have that same feeling in the end of the year, but one can never know.
Just like most of the players, the pre game is a time of thinking and a time of getting ready for what's in store that evening, I can tell you from my side that I always have the feeling that the last game doesn't mean anything. I can never get confidence that anything I did last time around can help me out in the game that's coming up.
On one side it might be some insecurity, a feeling that even when I play a good game it can be just luck or a one time thing and next time around nothing is going to work, not the shot, not the pass, D, or anything else for that matter.
On the other hand, I sometimes feel that it might be a way for me to take the exceptions down, the exceptions I set for myself, maybe that way when I have a bad game I won't feel bad or really disappointed, but sadly enough it never works out.
I always have the tendency to be very harsh with myself, I can finish a day with 17 points and 6-9 from the field and I will only remember the 3 missed shots and try to think why I missed them and that I could have done better, and that's usually the feeling I go with, it's rear that I will sit down and say to myself great job and will be thinking about those 6 makes.
In some way I think it does have something to do with me being gay, maybe it's making a complicated situation easy by saying it like this, but I think that since like most guys who fight with their sexuality I felt bad for the most part of my childhood and youth. I tried to reject the thoughts and the emotions, since being gay is " wrong, not normal" and I can go on and on.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that going around feeling bad about myself since I'm different might explain why I only look on the bad things, those things that I grow up feeling and grow up thinking about, maybe in some way I need those feelings to give me the "approval" that I'm still different and not as good as the others cause I'm gay.
I know it's not a matter of black and white, and I can happily say that I feel much better about myself than I used to, but I guess it's not a completed process. Maybe somewhere it's the homophobic side of me, a side that was always there but was developed by being in locker rooms and around guys that are usually homophobic and have tendency to make gays to be less man, not worthy and for sure not equal to all the rest.
I still see myself as work in progress, I can really say that I feel good with my career and the direction it's going, and even though every game worries me all over and I'm never sure my ability will surface Things are going good. I do sometimes start to think if my issues with myself and my sexual preferences don't prevent me from reaching my full potential, but this is something for another post.
I have been trying to sign off with lyrics from a song that just feels right at that same moment, this is a little different , but aren't we all :).
Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive
I wrote this before, but I will repeat it for all the new comers, I decided to start this blog first of all to share my thoughts, my desires and some of the things I deeply want and can't have or can't talk about. It gives me a great feeling to receive emails and hear from others with a story that's related to mine, or even people who just want to give a good word.
Of course another thing that came out of all this is the opportunity to help out other people, whether youngsters or people around my age who can also benefit from talking and sharing, it wasn't the reason i started this blog, but surely it's a pure bonus.
If there are some that aren't sure if I am who I claim to be, I can just say that I have my truth and for me it's enough, from here on out you can take it to anywhere you feel is right,good or bad.
Basketball wise, I usually don't tell too many stories or talk about my games for logical reasons, like every league across the world, or at least most of it, this is getting close to the last period of the season, and the playoffs, just like the NBA.
It's always fun to play on a team that competes in the high level, and that playoff time is when the team and each individual get the chance to prove their hard work all season paid off, so I hope to have that same feeling in the end of the year, but one can never know.
Just like most of the players, the pre game is a time of thinking and a time of getting ready for what's in store that evening, I can tell you from my side that I always have the feeling that the last game doesn't mean anything. I can never get confidence that anything I did last time around can help me out in the game that's coming up.
On one side it might be some insecurity, a feeling that even when I play a good game it can be just luck or a one time thing and next time around nothing is going to work, not the shot, not the pass, D, or anything else for that matter.
On the other hand, I sometimes feel that it might be a way for me to take the exceptions down, the exceptions I set for myself, maybe that way when I have a bad game I won't feel bad or really disappointed, but sadly enough it never works out.
I always have the tendency to be very harsh with myself, I can finish a day with 17 points and 6-9 from the field and I will only remember the 3 missed shots and try to think why I missed them and that I could have done better, and that's usually the feeling I go with, it's rear that I will sit down and say to myself great job and will be thinking about those 6 makes.
In some way I think it does have something to do with me being gay, maybe it's making a complicated situation easy by saying it like this, but I think that since like most guys who fight with their sexuality I felt bad for the most part of my childhood and youth. I tried to reject the thoughts and the emotions, since being gay is " wrong, not normal" and I can go on and on.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that going around feeling bad about myself since I'm different might explain why I only look on the bad things, those things that I grow up feeling and grow up thinking about, maybe in some way I need those feelings to give me the "approval" that I'm still different and not as good as the others cause I'm gay.
I know it's not a matter of black and white, and I can happily say that I feel much better about myself than I used to, but I guess it's not a completed process. Maybe somewhere it's the homophobic side of me, a side that was always there but was developed by being in locker rooms and around guys that are usually homophobic and have tendency to make gays to be less man, not worthy and for sure not equal to all the rest.
I still see myself as work in progress, I can really say that I feel good with my career and the direction it's going, and even though every game worries me all over and I'm never sure my ability will surface Things are going good. I do sometimes start to think if my issues with myself and my sexual preferences don't prevent me from reaching my full potential, but this is something for another post.
I have been trying to sign off with lyrics from a song that just feels right at that same moment, this is a little different , but aren't we all :).
Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Handling The Pressure
Hey Everyone.
Hope all is well with everyone and you are enjoying the winter where ever you are, After seeing a part of the all star game in the weekend I got my idea for my next blog.
A all star game is in same ways a dream of a pro player, not in the sense that you get picked to play in it because that's a given, but in the sense that you don't fell almost any pressure.
There aren't too many things on the line in a game like that, you go out and get the chance to have fun and not worry too much what happens, and if you win or lose.
In the years I have been around I have seen many players manage their pressure in different ways, I can only speak for myself but I feel pressure and nervous every game.
In a way I think that it always reminds me that I care about what I do, about my team and about the game.At the same time I have to admit that there are and were times where the pressure is almost too much.
I don't mean that I can't play or can't handle it, but just that during times of pressure thoughts that I don't really want pop up to my head,even though it happens during the days before the game.
I have had those thoughts of a injury, not even faking one, but hoping to get injured and cheering from the sidelines.If that happens no one could blame me, and everyone will remember the big contribution that I gave the team.
That way I could come to the game clean and quite, not been nervous, not waiting for the jump ball and not worrying how I will play, but just sit down and see others running up and down.
I'm sure that if you sit with a lot of players in a open and real conversation a lot of them will tell you about the struggles that they had at some point of their playing career.
I know that no one can see the pressure one me, or no one thinks that I'm nervous before a game or that I have those thoughts, cause I keep cool and can "act" the part.
I try to show everyone that I'm doing fine and feeling fine, so I can just think that a lot of different players have those kinds of thoughts. When I just started playing pro, it was harder, I was much more nervous, but with the experience I'm getting I feel less nervous then I used to.
I think that a lot of times when we see a player performing we can't be sure if the reason for a bad performance is pressure or not. Sometimes players look like they don't really care and they are just there to get it over with.
It's something that drives fans crazy, but I guess that the pressure can make your freeze on the court,field or what ever you are a part of and make you look nonchalant.
There are cases when you see players try so hard, that it becomes over trying.I think that's also because they feel pressure to be great, to be the number one talent and so on.
I think that in my case the pressure is first of all because of what I expect from myself, and my need to play good and succeed every game.
Again, just like many pro's, but maybe worrying about not playing well, or thinking that I won't play well is what gets me nervous. I can't really put a finger on it, and also I don't talk about it with other players, so I don't know what they really fell.
If I try to connect it with been gay, it might have something to do with it. Maybe wanting to be better or to prove myself more to "fit in". it's just something I threw up to the air, since it's not something I can really point to as I said before.
I can honestly say that luckily I'm almost never injured and even if I do get injured I almost do anything possible to play. So I can only guess that what I sometimes think just stays as something on my mind and not something that really happens.
When it comes down to it, when I'm on the court I usually feel on top of the world, there is nothing greater than been on the court in the money time.
When the game is close and everything is on the line, the pressure is out there and I can feel it,but in those moments I wouldn't change it for anything and been injured or sitting out just sounds crazy to me.
Hope all is well with everyone and you are enjoying the winter where ever you are, After seeing a part of the all star game in the weekend I got my idea for my next blog.
A all star game is in same ways a dream of a pro player, not in the sense that you get picked to play in it because that's a given, but in the sense that you don't fell almost any pressure.
There aren't too many things on the line in a game like that, you go out and get the chance to have fun and not worry too much what happens, and if you win or lose.
In the years I have been around I have seen many players manage their pressure in different ways, I can only speak for myself but I feel pressure and nervous every game.
In a way I think that it always reminds me that I care about what I do, about my team and about the game.At the same time I have to admit that there are and were times where the pressure is almost too much.
I don't mean that I can't play or can't handle it, but just that during times of pressure thoughts that I don't really want pop up to my head,even though it happens during the days before the game.
I have had those thoughts of a injury, not even faking one, but hoping to get injured and cheering from the sidelines.If that happens no one could blame me, and everyone will remember the big contribution that I gave the team.
That way I could come to the game clean and quite, not been nervous, not waiting for the jump ball and not worrying how I will play, but just sit down and see others running up and down.
I'm sure that if you sit with a lot of players in a open and real conversation a lot of them will tell you about the struggles that they had at some point of their playing career.
I know that no one can see the pressure one me, or no one thinks that I'm nervous before a game or that I have those thoughts, cause I keep cool and can "act" the part.
I try to show everyone that I'm doing fine and feeling fine, so I can just think that a lot of different players have those kinds of thoughts. When I just started playing pro, it was harder, I was much more nervous, but with the experience I'm getting I feel less nervous then I used to.
I think that a lot of times when we see a player performing we can't be sure if the reason for a bad performance is pressure or not. Sometimes players look like they don't really care and they are just there to get it over with.
It's something that drives fans crazy, but I guess that the pressure can make your freeze on the court,field or what ever you are a part of and make you look nonchalant.
There are cases when you see players try so hard, that it becomes over trying.I think that's also because they feel pressure to be great, to be the number one talent and so on.
I think that in my case the pressure is first of all because of what I expect from myself, and my need to play good and succeed every game.
Again, just like many pro's, but maybe worrying about not playing well, or thinking that I won't play well is what gets me nervous. I can't really put a finger on it, and also I don't talk about it with other players, so I don't know what they really fell.
If I try to connect it with been gay, it might have something to do with it. Maybe wanting to be better or to prove myself more to "fit in". it's just something I threw up to the air, since it's not something I can really point to as I said before.
I can honestly say that luckily I'm almost never injured and even if I do get injured I almost do anything possible to play. So I can only guess that what I sometimes think just stays as something on my mind and not something that really happens.
When it comes down to it, when I'm on the court I usually feel on top of the world, there is nothing greater than been on the court in the money time.
When the game is close and everything is on the line, the pressure is out there and I can feel it,but in those moments I wouldn't change it for anything and been injured or sitting out just sounds crazy to me.
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