Well, I already had a post ready for this week, but decided to make a last minute change. First of all I'm happy to have more readers join my blog and I send my thanks to Jim who helped me out with everything and also had the confidence to believe my story and give me a small stage.
I wrote this before, but I will repeat it for all the new comers, I decided to start this blog first of all to share my thoughts, my desires and some of the things I deeply want and can't have or can't talk about. It gives me a great feeling to receive emails and hear from others with a story that's related to mine, or even people who just want to give a good word.
Of course another thing that came out of all this is the opportunity to help out other people, whether youngsters or people around my age who can also benefit from talking and sharing, it wasn't the reason i started this blog, but surely it's a pure bonus.
If there are some that aren't sure if I am who I claim to be, I can just say that I have my truth and for me it's enough, from here on out you can take it to anywhere you feel is right,good or bad.
Basketball wise, I usually don't tell too many stories or talk about my games for logical reasons, like every league across the world, or at least most of it, this is getting close to the last period of the season, and the playoffs, just like the NBA.
It's always fun to play on a team that competes in the high level, and that playoff time is when the team and each individual get the chance to prove their hard work all season paid off, so I hope to have that same feeling in the end of the year, but one can never know.
Just like most of the players, the pre game is a time of thinking and a time of getting ready for what's in store that evening, I can tell you from my side that I always have the feeling that the last game doesn't mean anything. I can never get confidence that anything I did last time around can help me out in the game that's coming up.
On one side it might be some insecurity, a feeling that even when I play a good game it can be just luck or a one time thing and next time around nothing is going to work, not the shot, not the pass, D, or anything else for that matter.
On the other hand, I sometimes feel that it might be a way for me to take the exceptions down, the exceptions I set for myself, maybe that way when I have a bad game I won't feel bad or really disappointed, but sadly enough it never works out.
I always have the tendency to be very harsh with myself, I can finish a day with 17 points and 6-9 from the field and I will only remember the 3 missed shots and try to think why I missed them and that I could have done better, and that's usually the feeling I go with, it's rear that I will sit down and say to myself great job and will be thinking about those 6 makes.
In some way I think it does have something to do with me being gay, maybe it's making a complicated situation easy by saying it like this, but I think that since like most guys who fight with their sexuality I felt bad for the most part of my childhood and youth. I tried to reject the thoughts and the emotions, since being gay is " wrong, not normal" and I can go on and on.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that going around feeling bad about myself since I'm different might explain why I only look on the bad things, those things that I grow up feeling and grow up thinking about, maybe in some way I need those feelings to give me the "approval" that I'm still different and not as good as the others cause I'm gay.
I know it's not a matter of black and white, and I can happily say that I feel much better about myself than I used to, but I guess it's not a completed process. Maybe somewhere it's the homophobic side of me, a side that was always there but was developed by being in locker rooms and around guys that are usually homophobic and have tendency to make gays to be less man, not worthy and for sure not equal to all the rest.
I still see myself as work in progress, I can really say that I feel good with my career and the direction it's going, and even though every game worries me all over and I'm never sure my ability will surface Things are going good. I do sometimes start to think if my issues with myself and my sexual preferences don't prevent me from reaching my full potential, but this is something for another post.
I have been trying to sign off with lyrics from a song that just feels right at that same moment, this is a little different , but aren't we all :).
Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive