Well. There is a subject that I thought about writing for a couple of months but wasn't sure if to share it or not, but I feel like it's about time.
As I mentioned in my blog in the beginning or in the first stages of my blog. I have two gay friends more or less that know about me and that have been in touch with me and have shared my stories and I have shared with them most of my adventures.
One of my friends is around my age, a real smart guy and a nice guy, someone who is always organized and always knows what he wants to achieve and is very useful a lot of times.
We are in touch and we sometimes see each other back home, but we usually communicate on facebook or skype during the season and we just fill each other on what's going one.
Around 6 months ago he asked me to call him on skype, something that usually doesn't happen. He had something to ask and tell me, he told me he met a guy in a party and that they went back to his house and had sex, he told me that the condom broke in the middle and that he was nervous about it.
I could understand his nerves and tried to help him calm down and basically after hearing the story I told him that it can happen and that I'm sure it's not a big deal and there is no reason to run to the hospital or to get too nervous over it.
I haven't talked to a lot of gay guys, but sometimes I hear or read about things of this nature and I'm sure that it can happen to anyone and you just shake it off, get checked and move on. I didn't see it any differently this time, so I just moved on.
During the summer when I was home, he called me and wanted to meet for lunch, something we do sometimes and I was looking forward to seeing him.
We met up in a local restaurant and just shared stories as always, then he told me he has something to tell me, I didn't think too much of it at the time, but then when he opened his mouth I was just fucking shocked.
He told me that he just got tested for HIV and that the answer came back positive, I couldn't believe it. He was a close friend and someone so responsible and so set in life, at least that's the way I looked at him, and to hear this news from him? I really couldn't believe it.
It was a tough day and tough lunch. I didn't know what to say and I felt as he didn't realize what has happened t him, we talked more and said our goodbyes.
Since that day we have been in contact frequently and I have nothing but comfort and support to offer him, he is on the way to finish all the forms filling and decision making on the way to get treatment and to see what exactly needs to happen.
I must admit that it's the first time that a friend of mine or anyone I personally know for that matter is HIV positive, not that it changes my feelings towards him. It just shows me that it can happen to everyone, even to someone I never believed that something like this could happen to.
He also tells me all the time that he feels like he is living up to the stereotype of the gay man and that's something he looks at as a sign of poor decision making. and he never thought it would happen to him.
I still have a hard time to accept and understand that its reality and this is really happened to him. As I said, I can only try to help him, support him and be there for him since I'm about the only person he told.
I decided to share with you guys just to show again that it can happen to anyone and aslo to prevent myself from having to hold this only to myself, as I feel I have enough secrets as it is.
Enjoy your weekend and remember to take care of yourself, sorry for sounding like a annoying parent, but it's the plain truth.
Showing posts with label Worries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Worries. Show all posts
Friday, September 23, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
A Special Trip - Part Three
Just moving along..
Back to the story:
I had to head out fairly early, had to get a work out in and had plans for lunch. I texted him later in the day, but didn't hear back, so I left that at that, in the afternoon he texted me that he had a long day and was dead tired, and doesn't think he will be able to meet up.
After a couple more min of talk he decided to come over to my hotel, only after I promise I would try to do a better job sleeping this time. I was in bed all night not moving, but only when he did, did I let myself take a quick move. I guess I still need to get used to those things. That night wasn't as worse as the one before, but let’s be honest, no one got his beauty sleep.
Anyways he wasn't feeling too great, so it was another long night, but I really didn't mind it, just the company was enough. In the morning we parted ways, we talked again later in the day, I offered to come over or the other way around If he needed some help after.
It was my last day on vacation, I talked to him after and told him that since it was my last day I would really be happy to spend it with him, he said that after two days of not sleeping he is exhausted, but that he will try.
I told him that I don't want to get all emotional on him, but I enjoyed the time and that I like him and since god knows how long it will be before we meet again I would really like that.
He laughed and said that he knows I like him, I texted back that I hope it's mutual, but never heard an answer. Anyways I finished with a text telling him that I already voiced my opinion and that I'm waiting for him to let me know when to meet up.
Going back for a second to the way I was feeling:
I couldn’t handle it, would he call or wouldn't he, will we meet or won't we, was I doing what I was supposed to or wasn’t I. I just couldn't function, I was always sure that nothing will work out and nothing will happen, from the first day I was always sure that he will cancel or that things wouldn't work out, in a since I think I even wished that would happen, maybe to justify my feelings.
I felt like shit, no other word for it, couldn’t do too much without going crazy and checking my phone all the time and just waiting for that call or message.
In some sense I felt like I was the one pushing for everything and that he just did it out of fun and nothing more, but then I remind myself that he did meet up with me every day since we saw each other, even half dead, tired or what not, that even if he answered after several hours he did answer in the end of things.
I think that in this world , the gay world that is, I feel very confident, feel good about the way I look and about who I am, usually I'm the one getting hit on and the one that people come up to. So I think it was weird for me to feel the one insecure about him, and thinking if i'm good enough or is it real or not.
I really just wished in a sense that he would say he doesn't want to meet up and that’s it, it was just too much pain to bury all those hours of not knowing what he was feeling.
I guess I knew that he was given me what I wanted, and that’s to get frustrated in a sense, because he would never just go with things but would always have to make me chase him, if I would ask him to call me, he would send a message on facebook, it was always something close but not exactly what I expected.
In real life sometimes we have certain hidden wishes that aren’t the best thing that we could wish for. I think that I have a certain wish of being frustrated in a relationship or from a guy, maybe it’s because I don’t feel complete yet with being gay, maybe it’s the homophobe in me, but I do notice that I usually fall for guys like that.
When I get there I already know that the guy itself isn’t as relevant as what he gives or doesn’t give me. In no doubt those days were up there as the worst days I have had as an adult, I was just hurting all the time and all over.
That's almost the whole story, just one more part to go.
Back to the story:
I had to head out fairly early, had to get a work out in and had plans for lunch. I texted him later in the day, but didn't hear back, so I left that at that, in the afternoon he texted me that he had a long day and was dead tired, and doesn't think he will be able to meet up.
After a couple more min of talk he decided to come over to my hotel, only after I promise I would try to do a better job sleeping this time. I was in bed all night not moving, but only when he did, did I let myself take a quick move. I guess I still need to get used to those things. That night wasn't as worse as the one before, but let’s be honest, no one got his beauty sleep.
Anyways he wasn't feeling too great, so it was another long night, but I really didn't mind it, just the company was enough. In the morning we parted ways, we talked again later in the day, I offered to come over or the other way around If he needed some help after.
It was my last day on vacation, I talked to him after and told him that since it was my last day I would really be happy to spend it with him, he said that after two days of not sleeping he is exhausted, but that he will try.
I told him that I don't want to get all emotional on him, but I enjoyed the time and that I like him and since god knows how long it will be before we meet again I would really like that.
He laughed and said that he knows I like him, I texted back that I hope it's mutual, but never heard an answer. Anyways I finished with a text telling him that I already voiced my opinion and that I'm waiting for him to let me know when to meet up.
Going back for a second to the way I was feeling:
I couldn’t handle it, would he call or wouldn't he, will we meet or won't we, was I doing what I was supposed to or wasn’t I. I just couldn't function, I was always sure that nothing will work out and nothing will happen, from the first day I was always sure that he will cancel or that things wouldn't work out, in a since I think I even wished that would happen, maybe to justify my feelings.
I felt like shit, no other word for it, couldn’t do too much without going crazy and checking my phone all the time and just waiting for that call or message.
In some sense I felt like I was the one pushing for everything and that he just did it out of fun and nothing more, but then I remind myself that he did meet up with me every day since we saw each other, even half dead, tired or what not, that even if he answered after several hours he did answer in the end of things.
I think that in this world , the gay world that is, I feel very confident, feel good about the way I look and about who I am, usually I'm the one getting hit on and the one that people come up to. So I think it was weird for me to feel the one insecure about him, and thinking if i'm good enough or is it real or not.
I really just wished in a sense that he would say he doesn't want to meet up and that’s it, it was just too much pain to bury all those hours of not knowing what he was feeling.
I guess I knew that he was given me what I wanted, and that’s to get frustrated in a sense, because he would never just go with things but would always have to make me chase him, if I would ask him to call me, he would send a message on facebook, it was always something close but not exactly what I expected.
In real life sometimes we have certain hidden wishes that aren’t the best thing that we could wish for. I think that I have a certain wish of being frustrated in a relationship or from a guy, maybe it’s because I don’t feel complete yet with being gay, maybe it’s the homophobe in me, but I do notice that I usually fall for guys like that.
When I get there I already know that the guy itself isn’t as relevant as what he gives or doesn’t give me. In no doubt those days were up there as the worst days I have had as an adult, I was just hurting all the time and all over.
That's almost the whole story, just one more part to go.
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