Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A Special Trip - Part Three

Just moving along..

Back to the story:

I had to head out fairly early, had to get a work out in and had plans for lunch. I texted him later in the day, but didn't hear back, so I left that at that, in the afternoon he texted me that he had a long day and was dead tired, and doesn't think he will be able to meet up.

After a couple more min of talk he decided to come over to my hotel, only after I promise I would try to do a better job sleeping this time. I was in bed all night not moving, but only when he did, did I let myself take a quick move. I guess I still need to get used to those things. That night wasn't as worse as the one before, but let’s be honest, no one got his beauty sleep.

Anyways he wasn't feeling too great, so it was another long night, but I really didn't mind it, just the company was enough. In the morning we parted ways, we talked again later in the day, I offered to come over or the other way around If he needed some help after.

It was my last day on vacation, I talked to him after and told him that since it was my last day I would really be happy to spend it with him, he said that after two days of not sleeping he is exhausted, but that he will try.

I told him that I don't want to get all emotional on him, but I enjoyed the time and that I like him and since god knows how long it will be before we meet again I would really like that.

He laughed and said that he knows I like him, I texted back that I hope it's mutual, but never heard an answer. Anyways I finished with a text telling him that I already voiced my opinion and that I'm waiting for him to let me know when to meet up.

Going back for a second to the way I was feeling:

I couldn’t handle it, would he call or wouldn't he, will we meet or won't we, was I doing what I was supposed to or wasn’t I. I just couldn't function, I was always sure that nothing will work out and nothing will happen, from the first day I was always sure that he will cancel or that things wouldn't work out, in a since I think I even wished that would happen, maybe to justify my feelings.

I felt like shit, no other word for it, couldn’t do too much without going crazy and checking my phone all the time and just waiting for that call or message.

In some sense I felt like I was the one pushing for everything and that he just did it out of fun and nothing more, but then I remind myself that he did meet up with me every day since we saw each other, even half dead, tired or what not, that even if he answered after several hours he did answer in the end of things.

I think that in this world , the gay world that is, I feel very confident, feel good about the way I look and about who I am, usually I'm the one getting hit on and the one that people come up to. So I think it was weird for me to feel the one insecure about him, and thinking if i'm good enough or is it real or not.

I really just wished in a sense that he would say he doesn't want to meet up and that’s it, it was just too much pain to bury all those hours of not knowing what he was feeling.

I guess I knew that he was given me what I wanted, and that’s to get frustrated in a sense, because he would never just go with things but would always have to make me chase him, if I would ask him to call me, he would send a message on facebook, it was always something close but not exactly what I expected.

In real life sometimes we have certain hidden wishes that aren’t the best thing that we could wish for. I think that I have a certain wish of being frustrated in a relationship or from a guy, maybe it’s because I don’t feel complete yet with being gay, maybe it’s the homophobe in me, but I do notice that I usually fall for guys like that.

When I get there I already know that the guy itself isn’t as relevant as what he gives or doesn’t give me. In no doubt those days were up there as the worst days I have had as an adult, I was just hurting all the time and all over.

That's almost the whole story, just one more part to go.

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