Saturday, February 20, 2010

Choosing Sides and Favorite Song


I will start with the question that J-Craze asked me, first of all I answered it all most to the fullest in the post I wrote about the rugby player but I don't mind saying it again. I was asked on what side of the fence do I sit on the matter of coming out and helping younger kids who are looking for role models or do I think that each one needs to basically live is own life.

The answer for me is a given, I sit on the side that decides to live his life in private and not come out. The comment said that he wishes more people from sports and from Hollywood would come out and help those in need of a role model. I can say that you can't really compare, been gay in Hollywood is something that is much more acceptable and in sports, again, can't tell you to what degree, but the fact is that your hear of much more gay actors or gay directors or things of the sort than pro athletes.

As for sports, it's a totally different world, I wish it wasn't but like I say all the time : sports is something that is almost off limits, of course you hear about athletes in individual competition that come out, but team game is a whole different story. You have to know and believe me when I say that I wish I could have things different and not see a big chunk of my life, or at least one aspect of it go by. Not having a BF or almost any social gay life what so ever year in and year out.

Just that like others who are gay and are pro athlete (or I can say just like many others who are queer and here, just joking) we want to have the best career possible without having to deal with other issues that just can put the spot light on us, but not for what we do or how we play but for who we are, and that might take everything we worked for away.

In same cases it can bring to bad reactions from crowds, management, players or just people in general, no one wants to risk his contracts which are the financial security he has. Again this is only my opinion, there might be some who choose differently, and also not everyone that is gay and lives his life in the public eye needs to go around and tell. Sometimes we say we want to be accepted and to be treated the same as everyone else, so maybe it's up to us just to go on our business just like all the rest, again, that's just something I'm throwing out in to the air and not taking on as my position on the subject.

I wouldn't want to be known as that gay basketball player not because I'm ashamed of been gay, but because unfortunately it's not really acceptable, and I wouldn't want to be judged on which sex I chose to be with rather than my game. I wouldn't want to be looked at differently then everyone else because of my orientation. Of course a big part of it is all the problems that the sex issue brings to the table, if people were more acceptable, been gay would be just like been blond, Chinese, black or Swedish in the NBA.

I know that a lot of young kids look for a role model and for someone that they can relate to and feel better about themselves, I had those same wishes when I was younger. I think that even though in sports it still only happens rarely, it happens a lot in other areas, areas where being gay is more acceptable and brings less questions. A lot of times I wish I could help younger kids and I hope even by letting them read this I can make them feel even a tiny bit better about themselves.As for now i don't see myself keeping this secret forever, but will it happen while I'm playing, I don't know for now, I will just take it a day at a time.

I wanted to share one more small thing that I haven't had the chance to in the last couple of times and that's songs and the way they affect me, or I think a lot of people, but I can only speak for myself.

There are lines from songs that touch my heart and just make me feel like they are talking about me exactly or just get my feelings at the time.

I know that there are songs that touch everyone and each one, and I know that we each give every song our interruption and what we like to think it means, but I think that it's the beauty in music. The one I feel like writing now has a couple of sentences that every time I hear them they get me thinking, so it goes like this :

" and i don't want the world to see me,
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken,
i just want you to know who I am."

Basically it's not hard to guess that this for me shows my two sides, the one side who just says he doesn't want to come out(and i don't want the world to see me") and be out publicly and have everyone know (" cause "I don't think that they'd understand") and the other part is the side that wants to just live my life and be out and just take what ever the world has to offer (when everything's made to be broken. The last sentence of course complets that wish (I just want you to know who i am).

Anyway that's just something I wanted to share, there are more songs and I will post them up once in a while.
Of course wouldn't mind hearing some of your favorite songs...


  1. One of my favorite songs is Miserable At Best, by Mayday Parade. It is a kind of emo song, but It says a lot of my story in it. There is always that one thing, or person, that you can live without, but it is going to cause you to be miserable, even if for a short time. I will let you know more of my favorites as I come across them, and you blog. lol

  2. Hey..

    Thanks for the response. I totally get it being more difficult being an athlete than an actor and I guess honestly I dont know how its like bc obviously not an athlete here. I just wish the world would fast forward like 5-10 years and this stuff wouldn't be such a big deal.

    Like I said before, being 27 and when growing up I didnt know what gay really was untill I was made fun of in highschool. Now I hear teens come out and like 13? WTF? It's insane. Its even more insane when they are accepted. Huh! Go Fig. The idea of out people in public ie: Hollywood/Athletics would make it easier for most too.

    I totally see where you are coming from and honestly hope that you will be able to live ur "personal" life on your sleeve. So you dont wake up one day and think that you wasted that side of life being in the closet.

    Definately find your blog a great read. Its different to see someone on the inside of the sports world who is going through something like this. Thanks again for responding

    1. Dear J-Craze,

      I am trying to get in touch with you regarding your blog OmenSweetness. Please, please, please reply. there is an old article that you posted there which carries a story about me, and that story has been extremely harmful to my career.

      Please get in touch with me. Please.

  3. I'm from the sports world as well and as I read your post, I totally understand.

    I think it's important for you to understand, you get to live your life how you want to!!! When I was in my 20's I was scared to death of being outed. Well, little did I know how little people really cared.
    But I saw a counselor when I was battling what I now know was some depression...he drove home the following point and it really helped me a lot.

    If this is how you choose to live your life that's totally fine! Nobody is pressuring you to do otherwise (Maybe your pressuring yourself a little?), or if they are, they are wrong. You get to decide. You worked hard to become a person who can make a living at playing basketball and if that is jeopordized by being openly gay, you'd be hard pressed to find any sane person to tell you otherwise. Whatever you decide, it's cool.

    You could come out and see, but if the risk with that is too great, it's ok to play it safe. Maybe it'd work out, maybe it wouldn't but your doing what you think you have to right now. That should save your a few thousand bucks in counseling but man it made me feel better at the time. A day at a time, buddy. That's a good plan!

    Music, I like all the normal stuff whatever that means...Elton John stuff, Top 40 stuff. LADY GAGA hahaha. I like a couple of her songs. If it's popular and not rap or old country, then I generally like it.

    Take care, have a great week! Kick some ass.

  4. @Closet - thats a great comment. I think people like yourself who has gone through what this guy is battling can really help with your stories.

    PS. Lady Gaga rocks but no one beats Janet Jackson or Shania Twain.. Random I know. But those two ladies are my favs!

    1. Dear J-Craze,

      I am trying to get in touch with you regarding your blog OmenSweetness. Please, please, please reply. there is an old article that you posted there which carries a story about me, and that story has been extremely harmful to my career.

      Please get in touch with me. Please.