Hey again, feeling like I have a lot to share lately, so I'm just going for it.
The title seems real serious and a major issue, I don't know what will come of it, didn't give it much thought before, guess you will find out together with me as this post goes on.
Sometimes when I have some free time to sit down and think, I have serious thoughts, not always, but today was one of them. The first thing that came to mind is that we all get one chance in life.
I'm not religious and don't believe in anything special , but the fact is that we only get one go at it down here, what happens after? no one knows.
That fact is connected to my secret, even though I believe that it connects to everyone, all of us have a short amount of time to do what ever we decided to do with our life, I was thinking that maybe tomorrow morning I will just wake up and do what ever I want.
Go out and hit on guys, have sex with the first guy i see, go out and party all night, stop carrying what people say or think, if they love me or not, stop been nice because i have to.
Got to Stop lying to people because I got to, stop looking for peoples affection and love and stop giving a fuck what anyone thinks.
When I Think rationally I think all of us want to be appreciated and loved, I don't think it's something we control, I think it's something that controls us, all of us after all want to feel good about ourselves and to be wanted.
I mean maybe just to stop living in the bounders and the norms that society and other people expect from me and from us, do what I want when I want and as often as I want. If people won't like it, it's their problem not mine.
Hack, we are all going to die in the end, do I want to go through life with a secret? not telling anyone and not doing anything with it just to please others and just to be liked or accepted?.
I also remember that when I was just starting to deal with been gay I looked for love first from others because I was still homophobic and couldn't find it inside me so I looked out.
Though with time I think I improved in that area deeply,but still got ways to go, I can only say the following : " If you don't love yourself how can you expect others to do it?"
So when I wrote the meaning of life, I don't know if it means just living life to the fullest and just do whatever we want, or does it mean that my life meaning is playing basketball to the best of my ability until it's time to move on. Then when times come to live my life, or is it years wasted hiding the real me.
Then comes the part when I bounce back to reality and understand that the sacrifices I'm making every day gives me the best answer to which path is the one I'm following.
That my life meaning for now is playing basketball and trying to reach as far as I can, and once that part is over my meaning will change and I will move on to other things.
All in all i can just say that there are days that I'm jealous and I admire those who just don't give a damn about anything and do what ever they want and feel.
At other times I'm happy that at least I'm doing something that makes me happy and feel good with myself. Even if means other things have to wait,
Well, in some odd way I can say that it doesn't really matter what I think, it matters what I do, and last time I checked it was bball....
In a perfect world I could do both, but sadly enough last time I opened the window nothing was perfect...
Guess that's it for now, enjoy the last day of your weekend....Unless anyone has a boyfriend to offer me :)
P.S - My blog reading career is at it's prime, I'm just not stopping. HB9 I would be happy to get the link to your old blog, In an email or what ever works for you, if you don't mind of course.....
You seem to be struggling or at least rethinking if postponing coming out for basketball is the right choice, which is natural and something that should happen on occasion. But it sounds like you keep coming back to the conclusion that you've made the right decision for now. It will be a continual struggle though, especially when you see other out happy guys.
ReplyDeleteI've gone through the same debates. What I've found is everyone is pretty busy living their life and not nearly as suspicious of mine as I originally thought. I've been able to maintain a certain amount of secrecy while also poking my head out and having friends who know and so on. I'll be honest, I have more fun with the gay people then the boring straight people. I have both. But the gays are more fun! Probably because I belong. Good luck with finding the balance your striving for now.
ReplyDeleteBut don't miss out for appearance sakes if you can help it. Your teammates might have opinions but they don't care so much as to investigate you and see what your doing in your free time or talking to or hanging out with when your not with them.
As a competitive athlete through division 1 college and continuing to excel in relation to my peers at the various outdoor athletic endeavors I undertake, I can empathize with how you seem to feel. One difference is that close friends/family are aware of my choice for a long term relationship. Beyond that I do not feel as though it is anyone's business. Many people that choose people of the opposite sex as a partner do not go around proclaiming their preference. I have invested some time into going to bars and meeting people through dating sites in the past. Beyond that, becoming part of a group based solely on sexual orientation does not make sense to me. Its not like you see people who choose partners of the opposite sex hanging out together just because they choose the opposite sex. It works for some people and thats fine, I have no intention of judging people, its just not what I choose for myself. There are many interesting things in life. When it comes down to it, the people I would really like to have a relationship with are the ones I come across in the context of life. There are other bball players hoping to have a relationship with a guy too.
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