Monday, May 3, 2010

All Year Long


Another week has started, nothing dramatic has been going on, except maybe the car bomb that was found in times square, pretty scary in my opinion.

Life has been moving on, and so is the summer, that's getting closer, like i said before, we all finish around the same time as the NBA, give or take a couple of days.

Lately I have been thinking about my life during the season, thinking that maybe I have been putting too much weight on the summer vacation.

I mean it's my only time to live as a gay man and enjoy things that I want to enjoy all year long but can't.

I can't help thinking that maybe I should do things differently, I mean during the season I'm the type that focuses only on basketball and puts aside my personal life.

I'm sure that I need to focus on basketball, but I'm starting to think that maybe I'm missing out on a lot of things, not everything in my personal life has to be about guys or dating or whatever.

I think I have reached a point that I'm thinking that if I don't get a chance to live my life as a gay man I might as well just focus on basketball and wait until I start my after life.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know exactly what to and how to do things differently, I have reached the point of just working hard, finishing practice and coming home to eat, watch TV, read, ps3 or whatever, but just as long as it's at my apartment.

A lot of times I feel like going out just means time I don't have at home with myself, with my hobbies or what ever I want to do.

I don't know if it relates to basketball, cause I think that in good and bad times I act pretty much the same way. Guess it's something I have to think of and try maybe to do differently.

In a certain point it brings me back to the notion of not really feeling that I have true friends, cause I feel they don't know the real me, so it's not even worth trying.

Of course that I'm excited and waiting for my vacation and my other personality to come out, but I think I can and need to do better than just going out for 10-12 days a year.

Again, only in the last couple of days I started to acknowledge that maybe I'm not living my life on a regular base because I didn't see or think of another option besides living my gay life.

I know that it's easier said then done, and maybe I need to start doing things that I might not be used to, and maybe try things that scare me in the beginning or make me feel uncomfortable, but just to go out more and try to find things that I can enjoy and still keep my secret to myself.

Staying in the closet is a major sacrifice, something that I know and want to do, but maybe sometimes I feel too much like a victim of the world.

Maybe I have self pity and I try to be the gay victim, because I'm living a secret so that also means I need to feel bad and ask for sympathy.

Guess I should also start thinking that I'm in a good situation, doing something I love, and while Sacrificing something else, I'm still lucky and successful and not look for sympathy and not be feeling sorry for myself or feeling bad with myself.

Again, I know that this are things that take a lot of time to do, to accept and to change, but maybe realizing it is a step in the right direction for me.

Heard this song lately, it's really touching...

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

P.S - I guess my playoff picks suck, but I don't think I'm the only one :)


  1. It is hard for me to put myself in your situation but if I were forced to remain in the closet I would definitely concentrate on over satisfying my other interests for that period of time. Sean

  2. you say you don't have any true frends because they don't know the real you so it's not really worth trying going out cuz you already know how it's going to end. I don't know about all that but, hey, it's what you think sobeit.

    So how about this: you're out to your brother and he's your friend so why don't you invite him on vacation with you? You can have a good time together doing some sightseeing, joking/playing around with your brother, and you can check out the guys while he checks out the girls. This would be a good time for you to open up and share that part of your life which seems to keep you from being whole. I'm assuming it's something you've not done before with your brother so it would be a learning experience for both of you and bring the two of you closer together.

  3. Side note ( I'd been above times square in my buddy's apt all day for the Mayweather/Mosley fight when I got a text from my roommate saying not to go outside cuz there was some sort of bomb incident. We looked out the window and saw the streets deserted, scary shit)

    But more importantly, keep our head up dude. Hope you are well where ever you are.

  4. Hey there, catching up on your blog...The latest post, this one, really reverberated with me. It's a catch 22 and you go around and around.
    You wonder if your really being yourself ever? Of course, being gay is just a part of you. I feel the same way as you do, how would my life be different if....? But we all make our choices. Your just caught questioning yours or maybe getting ready to change your approach some or transitioning into a new stage. I share a lot of the same thoughts/issues though I'm not a pro basketball player.

    Hope your tearing it up!