Friday, May 7, 2010

My Early Gay Encounters


Hope everyone is enjoying the playoffs, I'm waiting for game 3 tonight between the Celtics and Cavs, hope it will be interesting.

Anyway, I usually don't talk too much about my sex life , or lack of it, but after a couple of emails that made me think about it a little bit I decided to return to the subject.

I might be repeating some things that I already said, but I’m not really sure about it.

In some of the emails I get the sex subject comes up, some guys are already passed that stage and some are only in the beginning.

Talking to guys that haven't had sex with a guy yet, or just have had it once or twice brought me back to my beginning.

I have talked about the first time I had sex with a guy and about some of my memories from meeting guys online, but today I'm trying to look at it from a different angle.

I remember saying in my earlier posts that besides my first time, I met a couple of guys online and we had sex, I mentioned that trouble wasn't a good enough word to describe how I felt.

When I look back, I’m pretty sure that they guys I met up with are guys that reflected on the way I felt about myself back then, and that’s not too good.

I guess that while I was having a problem accepting myself and being gay, it translated to feeling pretty bad about myself and there for most of the guys I met at that time fitted that feeling.

Even though it sounds shallow to say, the way those guys looked from the outside was the same as I was feeling inside. I remember that also the vacations I took after I just came out were more or less the same.

Of course like all of us, I was just a horny young guy that was looking to have fun and to satisfy himself.

I can honestly remember that in those days the guys I had sex with were OK, not something that if you had asked my in advance I would tell you that there is a chance I would have sex with.

Again, it wasn’t that they were ugly or something, but I just knew and also know now that I could do much better and find someone that would match my desire and would also feel the same way about me.

When I write this it brings up the question, did I think I wasn’t gay or it wasn’t for me? Well, I always knew through that time that I was gay, I just wasn’t able to enjoy it and I was just feeling nothing but horny and no special feeling afterward also.

I think that in that stage I just shut myself to the outside, I went through the motions and had sex, but honestly I can say that I barely felt anything.

I guess my mental side ,my thinking and my inner feelings can block any physical feeling no matter where or when.

After the first year or two of having sex with guys that don’t exactly fit my life dream a couple of things started to change.

First of all I started accepting myself and feeling much better with myself and about myself.

Secondly I came to the decision that the only sex I’m going to have is if I met someone I really like and really feel that I can have fun and it’s someone I would really like to be with.

Of course I could allow myself this cause I had a better inner picture of myself and felt much better about everything, from that point I can honestly say that the last couple of years I acted on my “decision” and really stuck to my feelings.

I met some amazing guys that I really liked, guys that I could talk to, go eat with and enjoy myself besides the obvious sex that followed.

Of course there might have been a single time that I might have settled, but like everyone else, I’m just human.

I guess that being different and being gay is a process that needs to be accepted and until it is it influences everything else in our lives.

I can’t say that I accepted it totally and I have no more troubles or questions that come to my mind, but I can say that I have come a long way, and it can be felt in all sides of life, including sex.

This song looks perfect for this post, of course in the bigger meaning of things…

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

1 comment:

  1. We live in Mass so I had the Celtics on one TV and the Bruins on the other and both TV's disappointed last night. I grew up in Orange County which is ultra conservative and we lived in the suburbs so I had absolutely no roll models to observe. When I was a kid I lived in fear that they would give everyone a lie detector test when you turned 18 to see if you were gay or not. I didn't think beyond that as to what they would do if you were, I was just fearful of the disappointment I would cause with friends and family. I knew I was gay when I was like in 5th grade, I was always attracted to guys and knew it at the time. I had no idea what I wanted to do with them but I knew I wanted to spend time alone with a few of them with our clothes off. I did happen upon the occasional willing partner and after we did anything I would bolt from the scene in disgust at myself because it was beaten into my head that there was nothing normal to this and nothing good could come from it. When we moved up to Whidbey Island in Washington state an older guy probably 35 sought me out, I was 18 at the time on the ferry when I was on my way to meet a friend to see a movie. When we reached the other side he gave me a ride to my friends house and slipped me a piece of paper with his number. My mind was spinning and I didn't call him for a few months but when I did I met him somewhere and he took me to an even older guys house for a Party, he was probably 55 at the time. He was a Vietnam Vet and lived on a ranch in a huge house. I was amazed and impressed and I remember asking him "so you can be gay openly and be successful"? It was the first evidence I had in my life that this was possible and it was like a huge cement block was removed from my back, I was on cloud nine from that point. Every one was gay and successful at the party and I was in awe, I had the best time! About six years later I felt comfortable enough to come out to family and friends. Sorry to ramble on but your post brought it all back to me. Thanks, Sean