Thursday, April 29, 2010

Will It Stay?


Hope everyone is enjoying the playoffs, in the west everything is just plain crazy, the second and fourth seeded teams or almost eliminated, always good to have some excitement during this time..

I was lying in bed this morning before practice and I just let my mind wonder and waited to see where would it land.

I was thinking about the ultimate thing that I mostly talk about in this blog and mostly think about, and that's finding someone to love, to be together with and to share my life with.

I know that I'm still young and It will take me sometime, mostly because of my career and me not being out, but today I was worrying or thinking about it from another angle.

I can admit that I have never had a realtionship, since I don't count going out twice with someone while on vacation as a realtionship, but more of just having fun.

I can only compare it to a regular friendship, I know that when I meet someone I like, even not in a sexual way, just as a friend or someone I want to hang around.

I feel it very strongly in the beginning of the realtionship, I mean I will go the extra mile to get to know him and to get the chance to be good friends.

Once I reach that point I sometimes feel like I put a V on my target, and from that point on, the friendship is still there, but I don't feel the same way or I don't do too much to keep the realtionship going and I go back to my quite spot and my routine.

What worries me the most, and that's what I was thinking about today was what if it will happen when I meet a guy and the realtionship will be a sexual one.

I mean two gay guys just dating each other, falling in love and all the regular things I think about and wish and I guess most of us do.

Will it just be something that will last for a couple of months, and will I go from loving him and wanting to be with him to just being there cause it's comfortable or just because I used to feel something special for him.

Maybe it will be because I don't want to hurt him and don't want to let him down. I mean, I'm sure that a lot of couples have those worries, whether gay or straight.

I don't know how their realtionship is and what they feel, but I'm just worried that I will want to go back to my shell and that everything I was feeling and thinking towards and about him will disappear.

In some way that scars me, cause maybe that means that I won't have someone that I can share myself and my life with, again, I can't know until it happens, but the way I am with friends makes me think about how I will be with a lover.

I know that in a lot of relationships couples don't stay in love, they just feel good together and enjoy each others company and it becomes a different kind of love.

Not the passionate, the wanting to be together every second love, but rather the love of having each other around and to share their life with each other.

I guess I don't have any other option but to wait and see what it will be like, what I will feel and how long I can feel it with, guess time will tell...

This song talks about loving a woman, but it can easily be meant towards a man, with a change of just one word. The song jumped to my head during warm up today :)

To really love a woman
To understand her - you gotta know it deep inside
Hear every thought - see every dream
N' give her wings - when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
- really really ever loved a woman?

p.s - I was asked by Robert about the NBA D- League and my opinion, I think it's a good thing, it gives a lot of young and talent players or players who feel they still need to try and fulfill the NBA dream and are whiling to do what it takes. I know players who play in the D-League, most of them can make more money playing overseas, but they want to be close by and wait for their chance...


  1. I was once in your shoes... same thoughts, same fears, same doubts. What I can tell you is that you cannot control your future, nor make it happen sooner. Someday you will find "the one" without looking, and it will be totally natural to start a relationship, maybe moving together and so on...
    before moving with my BF, I was very frightened and nervous on if it would work, if we would fight, a couple of days of living together I realised everything was going to be alright...

  2. Magically, when that love does come around, everything changes. So it's really hard to say man. But you sound like a very thoughtful and caring person so I can't imagine you'll have too difficult of a time.

  3. not to worry.

    friends are not lovers...and you're too
    sharp not to feel the difference.