Hey everyone.
Hope you are all enjoying the summer, even though I'm sure that the hot wave across the U.S.A isn't helping anyone at the moment.
As for me, getting ready for the season, spending a lot of my time at the gym with the weights and the other half on the court working on my game. I like this time when I can work on things I don't get to do during the season, but it's also a lot of work and not an easy time to get prepared for the upcoming season.
In around a month or so I will be joining my team and starting the pre season, which usually is mostly un related to basketball. Working more on the psychical aspects, working on our shape and on our athletic skills, got to hate that, and boy do I hate that. Always a terrible feeling to run and work and practice without a ball and without the baskets, but just on other departments of the game. Of course it's a must, but no one said that I can't complain right?
As for the contract, I got more or less what I wanted, as I said before, it's not the same money that they have in the N.B.A, but I'm happy with what I signed for and it's for sure more than I expected to make when I just started playing as a kid. So now there is only the basketball part left.
Before that, I wanted to talk about something else, I'm going back to the guy I wrote you about, the guy that I spent my vacation with this summer. For the first time I felt really great about everything, but since I got back it's just been a whole bad month or so, not that I don't behave the same or do the same things I did before. It's just that I think about him all the time, at least when I'm alone with myself, listening to music or just thinking.
I know I can't do anything and I know that I went through this with other guys, guys who weren't worthy of my hearts and thoughts, unlike this guy who is worthy of everything. Usually after a week or two those other guys were gone in my head also, but this isn't the case, it doesn't get any better, it just hurts all the time.
We talked one or twice after I got back and I even started thinking about going back to see him again, but once we started talking about it, I started to realize that it's not something fair to do, at least not to him. Even if I did go, it would be for ten days or so and in the end we would be in the same place, sad to leave and not being able to do anything about it.
It's not like I could go for a month or two and see what happens, so why just hurt him more by seeing him and then leaving him. We stopped talking after a week or so, I emailed him my thoughts and feelings and that was about it, but there isn't a day when I don't look at his number and want to dial it, look at his facebook page and want to message him or just look at the picture and miss holding him.
I know there is nothing to do and I just want the time to pass, it doesn't matter that I'm a closeted man, it's just that I play basketball and we don't live in the same continent, I can't bring him over with me, even if I was out, cause he has his own career and life. I can't join him because I can't give up my career, it's just a lose lose situation with no solution to it, at least not one that I was able to think about.
We promised each other to stay in touch, but it just hurts too much and it's not happening, so I guess sometimes when life gives you lemons, you can't make lemonade. Which basically just means that sometimes life sucks and as I wrote him : "In a perfect world I could stick around and see what happens, but sadly enough life is far from perfect.
I'm still happy I met him, even though It brings me a lot of pain and bad days also, that's part of life, and as one of my favorite songs says :
Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before
And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
Whoa, whoa
Guess I'd rather hurt
Than feel nothing at all
It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call
But I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now
Oh baby, I need you now
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Middle Of The Summer - Part 3
After waking up the next morning I just walked around a little, took myself to a movie and just waited for the day to complete it's natural course.
I was about to go home in three days and I felt like those three days couldn't come any faster, it was such a big disappointment to me, not as much because of this specific person, but more because it was the first time I felt different.
I was so happy to find out that I'm capable of something like that and that not all the guys I find myself attracted to are doomed to be assholes, and all that blow up in my face after those last couple of days.
That night I decided to go back to the bar I met him in, just to have a drink, try to enjoy myself, knowing that this wouldn't happen anytime soon, or to be more specific, not in the next year at least.
After around an hour, I picked up a drink and leaned back on the wall and was just thinking. Suddenly I saw him come in, the second I saw him I started to feel not so hot. He saw me and came straight up to me, he told me that he knows I'm really mad, and I asked him if we could go outside and talk.
We ended up sitting on the stairs of a house near the bar. I told him more or less what I wrote here just a couple of paragraphs ago and that I just was really disappointed and that I deserved at least to hear from him, even if he decided that it's enough.
He was cute as always and said some things that I couldn't argue with, besides apologizing and saying that he was been selfish, he said that we spent a lot of time together, that we are both getting attached and he knew I was going to leave him in less then a week and probably never see him again and he didn't want to get hurt any more then he already will just by me leaving.
I know it's also selfish on my part, because this has no future and I'm just coming to have fun and enjoy myself and move on, so I could completely understand him. I got emotional in that conversation, and I think that was around the first time that I knew I had feelings for someone who was a good guy and good to me.
We decided to spend the last couple of days together and we did, he still made an effort, even though things did change after everything that happened, but he did try, but at that point it was just a feeling that he is trying to be with me, but worrying about not getting hurt at the same time. He still came after work and still spent a couple of nights.
After that talk I even showed some PDA with him, walking to my hotel, nothing huge, but something I hadn't done before.
He didn't want to stay and spend that last night with me, and I understood. I saw he was feeling it was getting to be too much and I was feeling just the same. It was a really sad goodbye and a real emotional one for me, not in the sense that I showed it, but I was just feeling a lot of emotions inside and so was he.
It was hard for him to leave and it was hard for me to let him go, we decided that we would stay in touch and maybe see each other again, We even had a long talk before I got on the plane to go home.
Since I got home it's been difficult for me, I know we can't be in touch. I want to, but it hurts me, I'm happy when we talk, but after that I really miss him and I have to understand his situation. He can and needs to meet other guys and move on with his life and me calling or wanting to be in touch would just make that unfair towards him.
So as much as it hurts me, we stopped being in touch. If i'm being honest, it's one of the most difficult things I had to deal with, I really really miss him and I have been quite down since I got back home.
I know he really liked me and I felt and feel the same, but it doesn't matter, cause no matter how I try to spin it, there is no way we can spend more than a couple of weeks a year together, at best, and that surely isn't fair for him.
I have been trying to put all of myself into the basketball and into getting ready for the next season. When I don't, I think about him and think about all of the situation and that it was the first time I actually had something meaningful with a special guy, even if it was short, it was the first time it meant something both for me and for the other guy.
I guess life goes on and eventually I will move on, not too much I can do anyhow, but in all of this, even though i'm feeling like shit now, I know I can feel great about the change in me and my ability to meet guys who deserve me and I deserve him. I haven't figured out yet if all this emotion is because of just him, or because of everything that happened and the knowledge that i'm not doomed and good times my still be waiting for me.
So that's my summer story, I couldn't hold it in for two more months, so I decided to share, I will be happy to hear anything you have to say and enjoy the rest of your summer.
P.S - Almost forgot, Great news about NY and gay marriage, I was so happy, I followed it very closely and read a lot about that matter. Not sure I will get married there, but so happy for those who want to do it and never got the chance until now.
It rocks!!!!!!
I was about to go home in three days and I felt like those three days couldn't come any faster, it was such a big disappointment to me, not as much because of this specific person, but more because it was the first time I felt different.
I was so happy to find out that I'm capable of something like that and that not all the guys I find myself attracted to are doomed to be assholes, and all that blow up in my face after those last couple of days.
That night I decided to go back to the bar I met him in, just to have a drink, try to enjoy myself, knowing that this wouldn't happen anytime soon, or to be more specific, not in the next year at least.
After around an hour, I picked up a drink and leaned back on the wall and was just thinking. Suddenly I saw him come in, the second I saw him I started to feel not so hot. He saw me and came straight up to me, he told me that he knows I'm really mad, and I asked him if we could go outside and talk.
We ended up sitting on the stairs of a house near the bar. I told him more or less what I wrote here just a couple of paragraphs ago and that I just was really disappointed and that I deserved at least to hear from him, even if he decided that it's enough.
He was cute as always and said some things that I couldn't argue with, besides apologizing and saying that he was been selfish, he said that we spent a lot of time together, that we are both getting attached and he knew I was going to leave him in less then a week and probably never see him again and he didn't want to get hurt any more then he already will just by me leaving.
I know it's also selfish on my part, because this has no future and I'm just coming to have fun and enjoy myself and move on, so I could completely understand him. I got emotional in that conversation, and I think that was around the first time that I knew I had feelings for someone who was a good guy and good to me.
We decided to spend the last couple of days together and we did, he still made an effort, even though things did change after everything that happened, but he did try, but at that point it was just a feeling that he is trying to be with me, but worrying about not getting hurt at the same time. He still came after work and still spent a couple of nights.
After that talk I even showed some PDA with him, walking to my hotel, nothing huge, but something I hadn't done before.
He didn't want to stay and spend that last night with me, and I understood. I saw he was feeling it was getting to be too much and I was feeling just the same. It was a really sad goodbye and a real emotional one for me, not in the sense that I showed it, but I was just feeling a lot of emotions inside and so was he.
It was hard for him to leave and it was hard for me to let him go, we decided that we would stay in touch and maybe see each other again, We even had a long talk before I got on the plane to go home.
Since I got home it's been difficult for me, I know we can't be in touch. I want to, but it hurts me, I'm happy when we talk, but after that I really miss him and I have to understand his situation. He can and needs to meet other guys and move on with his life and me calling or wanting to be in touch would just make that unfair towards him.
So as much as it hurts me, we stopped being in touch. If i'm being honest, it's one of the most difficult things I had to deal with, I really really miss him and I have been quite down since I got back home.
I know he really liked me and I felt and feel the same, but it doesn't matter, cause no matter how I try to spin it, there is no way we can spend more than a couple of weeks a year together, at best, and that surely isn't fair for him.
I have been trying to put all of myself into the basketball and into getting ready for the next season. When I don't, I think about him and think about all of the situation and that it was the first time I actually had something meaningful with a special guy, even if it was short, it was the first time it meant something both for me and for the other guy.
I guess life goes on and eventually I will move on, not too much I can do anyhow, but in all of this, even though i'm feeling like shit now, I know I can feel great about the change in me and my ability to meet guys who deserve me and I deserve him. I haven't figured out yet if all this emotion is because of just him, or because of everything that happened and the knowledge that i'm not doomed and good times my still be waiting for me.
So that's my summer story, I couldn't hold it in for two more months, so I decided to share, I will be happy to hear anything you have to say and enjoy the rest of your summer.
P.S - Almost forgot, Great news about NY and gay marriage, I was so happy, I followed it very closely and read a lot about that matter. Not sure I will get married there, but so happy for those who want to do it and never got the chance until now.
It rocks!!!!!!
Middle Of The Summer - Part 2
Moving on, I decided to call him the next day, It wasn't that I felt like I was in love or that it was something so strong, but I enjoyed his company.
I called him, he told me that he was working until the afternoon, but that he will stop by after that. He said he will get there around 5, and of course I never give my phone number, so when it became six, I called to see what's up with him, he told me he didn't remember where the hotel was and that he was just walking around, lol.
After he found me at last, we want out to eat, it was nice and really fun, I usually have a problem going out to dinners or things like that with someone that is gay, I guess after all the years of paranoia, it sinks in. However, it was really nice and really fun, we ended up walking around the city a little bit and then grabbed a cab back to my hotel.
I was been difficult with him about PDA, but he understood that I'm not out and was cool with it. At this point he still didn't know what I do and what's my name, I just gave him the regular cover story that I always do, and I have to mention has improved with the years.
Anyway, he stayed the night again and then went off to work, he was a real cute guy and I started really enjoying his company, not to mention that it was another night that I didn't go out, but rather spent time with him.
The following day he stopped by after work again, we went to dinner and actually met up with one of his girlfriends which was nice, after that we all went to a movie, was nice and was also dark, so it was nice holding hands and things of that nature. After the movie he said he rather go back home, since he hasn't been there for the last three days, I tried changing his mind, but that didn't work.
Forgot to mention that at this point I told him my name and what I do, I felt safe with him and of course him and basketball wasn't a great match, so there was nothing to worry about, he was even cute enough to stay up with me one night and watch one of the N.B.A games, even though he could care less.
He was working a lot and till late hours, so we sometimes would meet just towards the late hours, around 10 and such and he usually would be tired, so we would just walk around, eat something and spend time together. This went on for a couple of days.
I always write about meeting the wrong guy and meeting assholes, that just make me run around and feel bad about myself. I mentioned that I thought it won't change and that this is a pattern that I'm doomed to follow.
At this point I was starting to feel differently, he was a great guy that always did the max to meet up with me, coming even after working from the morning till the evening and was always nice and warm and never made me feel like I had to convince him to show up, to go out, or to do anything.
The best part of our time together, at least for me was the cuddling, he was so cute and I always felt great with him. Usually I don't like that too much and it bothers my sleep, but with him I didn't even mind to sleep less, if it was just to enjoy his company.
After enjoying our days together, it became a routine and a great one, spending the day with someone and just being happy, but nothing lasts I guess and this was no different.
He called me late at night, telling me that he just finished working and is really tired and we might just be better meeting the following day, I didn't mind too much, he has been trying as hard as anyone can. The next day he worked again all day and our meeting was cancelled.
I didn't think too much of it at the time, but after I didn't hear from him the next day, I started to understand that something was wrong, he didn't answer my text or my call and I didn't hear from him for the next two days.
I started feeling bad at that point, not physically, but my emotions were getting the better of me and I was feeling like crap, I decided at some point that the only thing I can do as go out and try to enjoy the last couple days of my vacation.
I want out to that same bar, tried to have fun, wasn't really like before, I guess I was really hurt, no reason to go into too many details about that night, nothing that made me feel any better came out of it.
See you on part 3 in a couple of minutes :)
I called him, he told me that he was working until the afternoon, but that he will stop by after that. He said he will get there around 5, and of course I never give my phone number, so when it became six, I called to see what's up with him, he told me he didn't remember where the hotel was and that he was just walking around, lol.
After he found me at last, we want out to eat, it was nice and really fun, I usually have a problem going out to dinners or things like that with someone that is gay, I guess after all the years of paranoia, it sinks in. However, it was really nice and really fun, we ended up walking around the city a little bit and then grabbed a cab back to my hotel.
I was been difficult with him about PDA, but he understood that I'm not out and was cool with it. At this point he still didn't know what I do and what's my name, I just gave him the regular cover story that I always do, and I have to mention has improved with the years.
Anyway, he stayed the night again and then went off to work, he was a real cute guy and I started really enjoying his company, not to mention that it was another night that I didn't go out, but rather spent time with him.
The following day he stopped by after work again, we went to dinner and actually met up with one of his girlfriends which was nice, after that we all went to a movie, was nice and was also dark, so it was nice holding hands and things of that nature. After the movie he said he rather go back home, since he hasn't been there for the last three days, I tried changing his mind, but that didn't work.
Forgot to mention that at this point I told him my name and what I do, I felt safe with him and of course him and basketball wasn't a great match, so there was nothing to worry about, he was even cute enough to stay up with me one night and watch one of the N.B.A games, even though he could care less.
He was working a lot and till late hours, so we sometimes would meet just towards the late hours, around 10 and such and he usually would be tired, so we would just walk around, eat something and spend time together. This went on for a couple of days.
I always write about meeting the wrong guy and meeting assholes, that just make me run around and feel bad about myself. I mentioned that I thought it won't change and that this is a pattern that I'm doomed to follow.
At this point I was starting to feel differently, he was a great guy that always did the max to meet up with me, coming even after working from the morning till the evening and was always nice and warm and never made me feel like I had to convince him to show up, to go out, or to do anything.
The best part of our time together, at least for me was the cuddling, he was so cute and I always felt great with him. Usually I don't like that too much and it bothers my sleep, but with him I didn't even mind to sleep less, if it was just to enjoy his company.
After enjoying our days together, it became a routine and a great one, spending the day with someone and just being happy, but nothing lasts I guess and this was no different.
He called me late at night, telling me that he just finished working and is really tired and we might just be better meeting the following day, I didn't mind too much, he has been trying as hard as anyone can. The next day he worked again all day and our meeting was cancelled.
I didn't think too much of it at the time, but after I didn't hear from him the next day, I started to understand that something was wrong, he didn't answer my text or my call and I didn't hear from him for the next two days.
I started feeling bad at that point, not physically, but my emotions were getting the better of me and I was feeling like crap, I decided at some point that the only thing I can do as go out and try to enjoy the last couple days of my vacation.
I want out to that same bar, tried to have fun, wasn't really like before, I guess I was really hurt, no reason to go into too many details about that night, nothing that made me feel any better came out of it.
See you on part 3 in a couple of minutes :)
Middle Of The Summer - Part 1
Well, it wasn't planned or anything, as always didn't think about writing will I'm at home and not during season time, but had to share with you a little of my summer. To be honest, there aren't too many people I can tell this to, so I guess you are the chosen ones.
First of all, I will just say that i'm close to signing the deal I wanted and told you about, it will happen in the next ten days, if nothing surprising will happen. I feel great about it and about the opportunity that has been given to me, but that's not what i'm here for.
Writing this now will probably take some of the ideas I had for the beginning of the season, but I'm sure I will find something else to write about.
As any year in the last few years, after the season is over and before I sit back at home resting and getting ready for the new season I went on my yearly vacation.
I got in on a Monday evening, I was tired, but decided to go out anyway, it was nice, always nice after such a long time. I had a drink and danced a little, not too much, but just a little bit, again, it's so fun after such a long time that I didn't see a reason to wait too long.
I actually saw a nice looking guy dancing near me. I decided not to make a move and just to see how things play out, after a while he came up to me and we started talking and dancing, he was a nice and good looking guy and it was a great way to start my vacation, so I defiantly felt great after arriving there.
The next night I went out, had fun, danced and just relaxed, I got hit on, but there was no one I really liked so I didn't see any reason to go back to my hotel just for the sake of it, so I just grabbed some junk food on the way back and went to my hotel.
On my third night out I went to a nice local bar that I found, was small and crowded but with my kind of music, so it was great. After an hour or so, I saw a cute looking guy, he passed by me and stopped and looked at me and I did the same, but since I really had to use the bathroom I just smiled and stayed in the same place I was.
After 20 minutes or something like this he walked next to me and stopped to talk, we were talking about why none of us stopped to talk before, nothing major, was just some small talk, he was really cute, after a while we decided to leave together.
My hotel wasn't to far from the bar, didn't know that before, but that was nice to find out. He stayed the night and left for work in the morning, I took his number, I got the feeling he didn't think I would call, but I did, and from there on, a roller coaster started.
Since I don't want to write such a long post, I will just split it up to a couple of parts and you can decide when to read.
First of all, I will just say that i'm close to signing the deal I wanted and told you about, it will happen in the next ten days, if nothing surprising will happen. I feel great about it and about the opportunity that has been given to me, but that's not what i'm here for.
Writing this now will probably take some of the ideas I had for the beginning of the season, but I'm sure I will find something else to write about.
As any year in the last few years, after the season is over and before I sit back at home resting and getting ready for the new season I went on my yearly vacation.
I got in on a Monday evening, I was tired, but decided to go out anyway, it was nice, always nice after such a long time. I had a drink and danced a little, not too much, but just a little bit, again, it's so fun after such a long time that I didn't see a reason to wait too long.
I actually saw a nice looking guy dancing near me. I decided not to make a move and just to see how things play out, after a while he came up to me and we started talking and dancing, he was a nice and good looking guy and it was a great way to start my vacation, so I defiantly felt great after arriving there.
The next night I went out, had fun, danced and just relaxed, I got hit on, but there was no one I really liked so I didn't see any reason to go back to my hotel just for the sake of it, so I just grabbed some junk food on the way back and went to my hotel.
On my third night out I went to a nice local bar that I found, was small and crowded but with my kind of music, so it was great. After an hour or so, I saw a cute looking guy, he passed by me and stopped and looked at me and I did the same, but since I really had to use the bathroom I just smiled and stayed in the same place I was.
After 20 minutes or something like this he walked next to me and stopped to talk, we were talking about why none of us stopped to talk before, nothing major, was just some small talk, he was really cute, after a while we decided to leave together.
My hotel wasn't to far from the bar, didn't know that before, but that was nice to find out. He stayed the night and left for work in the morning, I took his number, I got the feeling he didn't think I would call, but I did, and from there on, a roller coaster started.
Since I don't want to write such a long post, I will just split it up to a couple of parts and you can decide when to read.
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