Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Day After

Hey again

Well, since I still have some years to go before I have to start thinking about the day after it doesn't cross my mind too much, at least not in the rational sense. I don't think about what I will do in the working sense or what profession will I chose or if I will stay in basketball or not.

One thing I do feel pretty strong about is just living my life once I stop been a professional basketball player. I don't know when it will happen, and it's not something that I set a time table on, but I do really believe that the latest that I will be out and just go about my business will be when I retire.

Again, it's the way things look now, I can't guess what the years will bring and what will happen in the future, but that's my feelings for now.

My thoughts are usually in a different place, I often think of what does it all mean, and it's not in the sense of being gay, straight or bi, it's just that in the mix of all the rush and adrenaline and fun I a think a lot about the meaning of everything.

It's not easy to explain, but I just mean, all the hard work, all the practices all the games that I have had and played and in the end when I grow old and will be sitting with myself at home, what will the meaning of it be? will I care or remember any championship I took, any personal title I won or will all that not put a smile on my face.

I sometimes get that feeling when I watch a full season of some TV show I want to catch up on, or spending hours on the ps3, it's something fun and nice, but winning a championship on nba10 doesn't leave me with anything to take from it but plain fun. It might cross my mind afterward s that I just burned time on nothing.

I can't fully explain my feelings on that subject or put it to paper, but it's just something that's not based on rational. It's the same as seeing people work and work and work, even after they are rich and achieved enough and they don't rest and don't stop, what will they remember in the end? another million they made or lost?.

Maybe what I'm trying to get at is trying to find a answer on how we can leave a mark before we exit this world, Or just get to the age when we sit back and look at everything. Will we remember the good times we had?, or the achievements?, or the money we made or could of made?, or will it just come down to a nice season or a nice period in my life I will remember?

In someway maybe I'm just putting my fears on paper, or in this case on the virtual page. Maybe worrying that the things I do aren't important enough to sit down and feel good about later on? Even though it's something I think about in relations to a lot of people I know that don't deal with sports, but with other things and other lines of work.

I can only wish that once I have a boyfriend and later on kids ( or at least I wish to) and basically live a different life , with a family and friends and living freely then I will feel like I have more things that will give me a good feeling. More things that let me sit down and smile ,like seeing the kids grow older and being together with someone I love.

The funny thing is that while writing this, I try to think about myself during a game, I'm so excited and in such a high adrenaline rush, going all crazy. I guess that brings me back to the point that this really matters, because if it was just for passing time or making money then I wouldn't feel any of those things. If it's not important why should I get all hyped up about it.

I come back to this point all the time, I'm doing something I love so much and want so much. Looking to the future I can only hope that those years I put in and worked hard everyday will stay with me after I grow old, and will leave me with a good taste.

A song that came to my mind has some words that can relate to my worries and less to my wishes in this post, again, it's not what I picture or hope for, but it's just a nice song:

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

1 comment:

  1. I just want to say that you are a great guy. I love your comments and the way you think about your life. I know that you are in some conflict over being gay and the limits of your professional life. But this is an abundance of riches. The talents you have and the ability to have a life in the sport you love have you going in a direction that, for now, places some limits on your other possibilities. Making choices. That is your way or journey. Hang with it. The answers will come as you move along.