Hey,
Since this is the last couple of weeks of the season, I will write a post or two about basketball and how I see it.
This post isn't exactly about me being a gay basketball player, but just being a basketball player.
On every successful team, or at least most of them, there is a big "war" for playing minutes, you can see it anywhere you look, Pro's, college, overseas. Everyone knows that each team has one goal, and that's to win, but each team carries a lot of ego with it, and it's not simple.
On this matter everything starts with the coach, GM and the whole coaching staff, they have to set the rotation, decide in the summer who to sign and what they expect him to do and to give to the team.
Basically once training camp starts and the first camps gets underway everything changes, since not every team has five guys like Lebron James or five guys like Kobe Bryant, a key for a good team is having a couple of leading players and some more position players or rotation players as we are used to call them.
The first stage of each team is to try and get everyone on the same page, get people to realize that they have to share the ball, share the glory and share everything around it.
As I said before, the "war" is for minutes, but not just that, it's about much more. Most players, want to be the stars and the leaders of the team, just like I enjoy it, most players enjoy it and want it.
And as I wrote before, not everyone can be the star, a lot of times it leads to fights, bad teamwork and loses, it's hard for people to control their ego and once you are on the court everything is very emotional.
I can honestly say some things that you won't usually hear from players, not every player wants his team to win when he isn't on the floor, sometimes players rather score 20 and have 5 assists and have the team lose, rather then playing bad or seeing the team win from the bench.
Another example is players who are in a bad period in the season and don't get minutes, for the most part they would rather see the team lose and then maybe the coaches will see that them not getting minutes hurts the team and they will get back into the rotation.
All those things are things no one will say, but I know that a lot feel like it, another example is having two good shooting guards on the team, not always does the one starting on the bench want the starter to succeed.
A lot of time he wants him to fail, to get his spot and his minutes, basically it's like real life, we look on ourselves first of all and just after that do we look on the others and what they do.
The Irony of things is that if a team wants to succeed, it isn't any different then from the marketing world, the high tech world or the sports world.
The key is getting players to play for each other and to play as a team, just like getting people who work together to help each other out.
Even though everyone wants and thinks of his success first of all, it's the staff's job to get them to understand or better yet accept the advantages of playing as a team, it doesn't always happen, and teams don't always succeed.
Like every player, I have been on teams that had a good team chemistry and game and other teams that had a lot of raw talent, but not really had a team game, luckily over the years I had some good teams that I can say that I enjoyed myself.
I try not to lie to myself in the sense that I know that not on every team I played everyone liked me, it's just a part of reality, because we will always meet people that we don't really appreciate.
It can be either in the professional sense or in the human relation sense, and it's not like we were given the chance to pick each other, so it's something that all of us just need to deal with.
I can also say that I have been around enough guys that I didn't really like and even though it never got to a fight or to something out of the ordinary.
I can't say that I wished them all the best in the world, but all of us need to play our part, and usually be quite, also support the one's we don't care for too much and just be a part of the show.
Just like I wrote in the title, each player always thinks he deserves more glory, but none of us will ever admit that sometimes and some days
we are only 1/15 of a basketball team...
I will finish up with a song that might have something to do with all this
I can't believe the news today
Oh, I can't close my eyes and make it go away
How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long? How long?
'Cause tonight we can be as one, tonight
Broken bottles under children's feet
Bodies strewn across the dead end streets
But I won't heed the battle call
It puts my back up, puts my back up against the wall
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
And the battle's just begun
There's many lost but tell me who has won
The trench is dug within our hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart
Monday, May 31, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Don't Ask, But We Can Tell
Hey Again
Like I say from time to time, it's not always easy to find a important subject to talk about or something worth while.
A lot of things happen everyday, some more important, some less, but I guess what happens to us is always the most important.
I always tried to notice how human nature is always stronger than anything else, I mean we are all devastated every time something horrible happens.
Whether it's a accident, a natural disaster or anything of the sort, but after sometime we just go back to our own life, our own "big problems" and forget about the other things that were just on our mind.
It's as natural as can be, I remember a lot of times that I thought to myself after an event like that just happened that something might change in me, or the way I look at things.
That it might get me to do something differently, but after a couple of days or just a couple of hours I go back to living my life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is us as human beings, we live our life and anything that's related to us is more important than anything else.
I think this is basically the only way we can go on with our life, other wise we would be depressed and worried and trying to cope with every disaster and every injustice that happens in the world, guess there are just too many of them to handle.
On the gay subject, there is nothing new to report on my love life, JK, but I have been reading lately a little about the don't ask don't tell policy issue.
Without going to much into the policy itself which of course is also something for a long discussion, I can't understand the thought or the need to ban gay's from serving in the army.
I mean if they go into the line of duty and if they fight in wars along side other soldiers what the hell does it matter if they are gay or not?.
People are people and if someone is qualified to be a soldier, to fight along side others, to save life's and to be the one responsible for another man's life, how could it matter what sexual preference does he have?
Is anyone trying to say that if a guy likes other guys he won't be able to do what's necessary in the line of duty?. Won't be able to save a life if needed?
Are his sacrifices, his life that's on the line, his parents that will lose a son they spent their whole life raising if something happens not equal to a straight soldier's life? does his blood have a different color? does his family have different Morales? it's just that he has different sexual preferences and that's all there is to it.
No one can tell me or tell anyone for that matter that gay man aren't as qualified as straight man to be soldiers, to be fighters and to defend their country and their fellow man, but I guess like in many other situations stereotypes and dark opinions are the one's who lead the way in America of today or of the past years.
I read that around 13,500 people of been dismissed from the army on the grounds of being gay. I hope that president Obama will get the ball ruling on things and that changes will be made.
People that want to fight for their country should have the right to do so and to do it will not hiding their selves and who they are, they need to have the chance to be "Proud" soldiers, whether gay or straight.
Of course they don't need to worry that if someone finds out they will be discharged, instead they just need to have the right to chose how to live their life and who they want to share that life with.
The song this time just came up very quickly :)
A vacation in a foreign land
Uncle Sam does the best he can
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now
Now you remember what the draftsman said
Nothing to do all day but stay in bed
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now
You be the hero of the neighborhood
Nobody knows that you left for good
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now
Smiling faces as you wait to land
But once you get there no one gives a damn
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now
Hand grenades flying over your head
Missiles flying over your head
If you want to survive get out of bed
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now
Like I say from time to time, it's not always easy to find a important subject to talk about or something worth while.
A lot of things happen everyday, some more important, some less, but I guess what happens to us is always the most important.
I always tried to notice how human nature is always stronger than anything else, I mean we are all devastated every time something horrible happens.
Whether it's a accident, a natural disaster or anything of the sort, but after sometime we just go back to our own life, our own "big problems" and forget about the other things that were just on our mind.
It's as natural as can be, I remember a lot of times that I thought to myself after an event like that just happened that something might change in me, or the way I look at things.
That it might get me to do something differently, but after a couple of days or just a couple of hours I go back to living my life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is us as human beings, we live our life and anything that's related to us is more important than anything else.
I think this is basically the only way we can go on with our life, other wise we would be depressed and worried and trying to cope with every disaster and every injustice that happens in the world, guess there are just too many of them to handle.
On the gay subject, there is nothing new to report on my love life, JK, but I have been reading lately a little about the don't ask don't tell policy issue.
Without going to much into the policy itself which of course is also something for a long discussion, I can't understand the thought or the need to ban gay's from serving in the army.
I mean if they go into the line of duty and if they fight in wars along side other soldiers what the hell does it matter if they are gay or not?.
People are people and if someone is qualified to be a soldier, to fight along side others, to save life's and to be the one responsible for another man's life, how could it matter what sexual preference does he have?
Is anyone trying to say that if a guy likes other guys he won't be able to do what's necessary in the line of duty?. Won't be able to save a life if needed?
Are his sacrifices, his life that's on the line, his parents that will lose a son they spent their whole life raising if something happens not equal to a straight soldier's life? does his blood have a different color? does his family have different Morales? it's just that he has different sexual preferences and that's all there is to it.
No one can tell me or tell anyone for that matter that gay man aren't as qualified as straight man to be soldiers, to be fighters and to defend their country and their fellow man, but I guess like in many other situations stereotypes and dark opinions are the one's who lead the way in America of today or of the past years.
I read that around 13,500 people of been dismissed from the army on the grounds of being gay. I hope that president Obama will get the ball ruling on things and that changes will be made.
People that want to fight for their country should have the right to do so and to do it will not hiding their selves and who they are, they need to have the chance to be "Proud" soldiers, whether gay or straight.
Of course they don't need to worry that if someone finds out they will be discharged, instead they just need to have the right to chose how to live their life and who they want to share that life with.
The song this time just came up very quickly :)
A vacation in a foreign land
Uncle Sam does the best he can
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now
Now you remember what the draftsman said
Nothing to do all day but stay in bed
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now
You be the hero of the neighborhood
Nobody knows that you left for good
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now
Smiling faces as you wait to land
But once you get there no one gives a damn
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now
Hand grenades flying over your head
Missiles flying over your head
If you want to survive get out of bed
You're in the army now
Oh, oh, you're in the army now
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Would we change?
Hey again, been a week since my last post, but finally I found the time and energy to put another one up.
I got an email from someone that I just started talking to recently, he came up with a question that made me think.
It sounds silly when you think about it, or the idea itself isn't something realistic or can be done, but it did get my mind working a little bit.
Basically his question was on the subject of what will happen if they will find a "cure" for being gay, meaning would I want to use it and go on the straight way.
I know it's something very out there and something theoretical, but it does get the mind thinking, I strongly believe that none of us were asked when we were born or just starting our life if we want to be gay or not, and I never thought of it as any kind of option.
I can honestly say that I spent most of my time as my teenager feeling alone and feeling that the world was cruel to me and decide to punish me by being gay and I just didn't want to be different, I wanted to fit in and be like everyone.
Today this question seems, well, since I can't feel anything towards a woman it's hard for me to think about being straight. Of course if I would take that magic pill then probably I would also be attracted to woman and maybe all of it would change.
However since I just know what it's like having feelings for guys and just wanting to be with a gay it's very hard to think about the whole subject, I'm sure that there are a lot of guys out there that would do it in a second.
They would just want all this burden lifted off of them, not being different, not having to deal with issues that all the straight guys don't deal with and are left only for us gay guys.
On the other hand think that there are a lot of guys who feel so comfortable in their own skin and feel good about being gay. They feel complete and they won't even think about taking that "pill" or choosing the easy way out maybe, and by that I mean just being like everyone else.
Again, for me, it's hard to say, even when it's just something in theory, some years back I would say yes in a heart bit and just try to get everything over with, all the lying, the running around when no one is seeing, putting my life on hold.
Now, it's hard for me to say it with a good feeling, again, I'm sure it's mostly because I feel attracted to guys and not girls, but I guess I don't feel so bad that I feel I'm willing to do anything to change it.
It's interesting for me to hear from anyone out there about this subject, I'm sure it's a question each and everyone of us had going through his mind at one point or another.
Sadly enough there have been people who couldn't bare being gay or being different or trying to deal with everything, some of them committed suicide some of them live their life in a lie, just not to have to face being gay.
I can't and never would I want to judge anyone, I guess when the cards aren't always dealt fairly not everyone can turn them into a winning hand, as for me, I'm still working on reaching a full house :).
I will finish up with a song, as always..
Roughneck and rudeness,
We should be using, on the ones who practice wicked charms
For the sword and the stone
Bad to the bone
Battle is not over
Even when it's won
And when a child is born into this world
It has no concept
Of the tone the skin is living in
And when a child is born into this world
It has no concept
Of the tone of the skin he's living in
And there's a million voices
And there's a million voices
To tell you what she should be thinking
So you better sober up for just a second
I got an email from someone that I just started talking to recently, he came up with a question that made me think.
It sounds silly when you think about it, or the idea itself isn't something realistic or can be done, but it did get my mind working a little bit.
Basically his question was on the subject of what will happen if they will find a "cure" for being gay, meaning would I want to use it and go on the straight way.
I know it's something very out there and something theoretical, but it does get the mind thinking, I strongly believe that none of us were asked when we were born or just starting our life if we want to be gay or not, and I never thought of it as any kind of option.
I can honestly say that I spent most of my time as my teenager feeling alone and feeling that the world was cruel to me and decide to punish me by being gay and I just didn't want to be different, I wanted to fit in and be like everyone.
Today this question seems, well, since I can't feel anything towards a woman it's hard for me to think about being straight. Of course if I would take that magic pill then probably I would also be attracted to woman and maybe all of it would change.
However since I just know what it's like having feelings for guys and just wanting to be with a gay it's very hard to think about the whole subject, I'm sure that there are a lot of guys out there that would do it in a second.
They would just want all this burden lifted off of them, not being different, not having to deal with issues that all the straight guys don't deal with and are left only for us gay guys.
On the other hand think that there are a lot of guys who feel so comfortable in their own skin and feel good about being gay. They feel complete and they won't even think about taking that "pill" or choosing the easy way out maybe, and by that I mean just being like everyone else.
Again, for me, it's hard to say, even when it's just something in theory, some years back I would say yes in a heart bit and just try to get everything over with, all the lying, the running around when no one is seeing, putting my life on hold.
Now, it's hard for me to say it with a good feeling, again, I'm sure it's mostly because I feel attracted to guys and not girls, but I guess I don't feel so bad that I feel I'm willing to do anything to change it.
It's interesting for me to hear from anyone out there about this subject, I'm sure it's a question each and everyone of us had going through his mind at one point or another.
Sadly enough there have been people who couldn't bare being gay or being different or trying to deal with everything, some of them committed suicide some of them live their life in a lie, just not to have to face being gay.
I can't and never would I want to judge anyone, I guess when the cards aren't always dealt fairly not everyone can turn them into a winning hand, as for me, I'm still working on reaching a full house :).
I will finish up with a song, as always..
Roughneck and rudeness,
We should be using, on the ones who practice wicked charms
For the sword and the stone
Bad to the bone
Battle is not over
Even when it's won
And when a child is born into this world
It has no concept
Of the tone the skin is living in
And when a child is born into this world
It has no concept
Of the tone of the skin he's living in
And there's a million voices
And there's a million voices
To tell you what she should be thinking
So you better sober up for just a second
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Straight Or Gay
Hey
Sometimes when I have time for myself and I want to try and put my thoughts on "paper" and put a post up on my blog, my mind doesn't want to cooperate with me and I feel like I don't have a clear idea, usually when that happens I just try to see what comes up as I continue writing.
It's not time to sum things up yet, and me and my team still have time left on this season, but everyone is starting to reach the later stages, just like the NBA, it's this time of year in the basketball world and it couldn't be greater.
Of course with time going by the games become more crucial and the pressure is bigger, but on the other hand that's what every athlete waits for, to have those games that mean everything, that a win means you advance and move on and a lose might send you home.
I always love that sentence on ABC or one of the channels that broadcasts the NBA games "Win Or Go Home".
On the other hand it can be also very cruel, because when it's money time nothing you did all season long counts any more.
Just like Dallas lost to the spurs, and suddenly no one remembers that they were second in the west coast, I guess there is a reason they say that timing is everything in life.
I hope our timing will be good this year and when money time arrives we will do what is needed, but I guess only time will tell.
Besides that I can't think about anything special that is going on in my life, but I did think a little bit about trying to compare a gay guy's life to a striaght guys life.
of course that being straight is much easier in the eye of society and they aren't judged on every move or they have it much easier when it comes to family, to starting one and living out their life.
However my opinion isn't objective, because I'm of course gay, I'm sure that straight guys have a lot of problems in life just like us gay guys. So maybe society usually is easier on them, but that doesn't mean that they feel that about themselves.
It's obvious that a lot of straight guys might also feel like failures, feel that they aren't achieving anything and feel that they aren't reaching the potential and the ability that they can.
I think that the gay community in general takes on the part of the victim a lot of times, I know that sometimes it's right, but also sometimes it looks like that what they are basically saying is that we are victims and we don't get what we deserve.
There are a lot of cases that this might really be the issue and reality, that gay's get discriminated and suffer much more in order to achieve everything in life, but it might also send the wrong message to a lot of gays, that we have to have that felling of not equals or not "getting" what we deserve.
Through this blog I have found out about a lot of guys that built a family for themselves, found a partner they love, went on to adopt kids and just be happy in their life and what they made of it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I can't relate to the issues that straight men have, I'm sure they also have their troubles in life and their battles and maybe sometimes we take on ourselves the victim part to strong.
It's a fact, at least in my book, that we didn't chose to be gay, it was chosen for us, and yeah, life would be easier if we weren't, but the question is what each one does with himself after he accepts that fact.
It's easy to feel a victim and to feel like you got screwed over, Believe me, I have felt that for a long time, the question is what each one does after that, and in that department I guess it's every man for himself.
Just to be clear, when I say gay community, I mean the people who belong to the community.
I'm not trying to say that it's a movement thing or a decision made by a small group representing gay's around the world, but just in the general sense of things, and again, of course it's not every one as a whole, but just something that can represent a lot of gay guys.
I will finish with a nice quite song
I'm standing on the edge of time
I Walked away when love was mine
Caught up in a world of uphill climbing
The tears are in my mind
And nothing is rhyming, oh Mandy
Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Mandy
well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Mandy
Sometimes when I have time for myself and I want to try and put my thoughts on "paper" and put a post up on my blog, my mind doesn't want to cooperate with me and I feel like I don't have a clear idea, usually when that happens I just try to see what comes up as I continue writing.
It's not time to sum things up yet, and me and my team still have time left on this season, but everyone is starting to reach the later stages, just like the NBA, it's this time of year in the basketball world and it couldn't be greater.
Of course with time going by the games become more crucial and the pressure is bigger, but on the other hand that's what every athlete waits for, to have those games that mean everything, that a win means you advance and move on and a lose might send you home.
I always love that sentence on ABC or one of the channels that broadcasts the NBA games "Win Or Go Home".
On the other hand it can be also very cruel, because when it's money time nothing you did all season long counts any more.
Just like Dallas lost to the spurs, and suddenly no one remembers that they were second in the west coast, I guess there is a reason they say that timing is everything in life.
I hope our timing will be good this year and when money time arrives we will do what is needed, but I guess only time will tell.
Besides that I can't think about anything special that is going on in my life, but I did think a little bit about trying to compare a gay guy's life to a striaght guys life.
of course that being straight is much easier in the eye of society and they aren't judged on every move or they have it much easier when it comes to family, to starting one and living out their life.
However my opinion isn't objective, because I'm of course gay, I'm sure that straight guys have a lot of problems in life just like us gay guys. So maybe society usually is easier on them, but that doesn't mean that they feel that about themselves.
It's obvious that a lot of straight guys might also feel like failures, feel that they aren't achieving anything and feel that they aren't reaching the potential and the ability that they can.
I think that the gay community in general takes on the part of the victim a lot of times, I know that sometimes it's right, but also sometimes it looks like that what they are basically saying is that we are victims and we don't get what we deserve.
There are a lot of cases that this might really be the issue and reality, that gay's get discriminated and suffer much more in order to achieve everything in life, but it might also send the wrong message to a lot of gays, that we have to have that felling of not equals or not "getting" what we deserve.
Through this blog I have found out about a lot of guys that built a family for themselves, found a partner they love, went on to adopt kids and just be happy in their life and what they made of it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I can't relate to the issues that straight men have, I'm sure they also have their troubles in life and their battles and maybe sometimes we take on ourselves the victim part to strong.
It's a fact, at least in my book, that we didn't chose to be gay, it was chosen for us, and yeah, life would be easier if we weren't, but the question is what each one does with himself after he accepts that fact.
It's easy to feel a victim and to feel like you got screwed over, Believe me, I have felt that for a long time, the question is what each one does after that, and in that department I guess it's every man for himself.
Just to be clear, when I say gay community, I mean the people who belong to the community.
I'm not trying to say that it's a movement thing or a decision made by a small group representing gay's around the world, but just in the general sense of things, and again, of course it's not every one as a whole, but just something that can represent a lot of gay guys.
I will finish with a nice quite song
I'm standing on the edge of time
I Walked away when love was mine
Caught up in a world of uphill climbing
The tears are in my mind
And nothing is rhyming, oh Mandy
Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Mandy
well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Mandy
Friday, May 7, 2010
My Early Gay Encounters
Hey,
Hope everyone is enjoying the playoffs, I'm waiting for game 3 tonight between the Celtics and Cavs, hope it will be interesting.
Anyway, I usually don't talk too much about my sex life , or lack of it, but after a couple of emails that made me think about it a little bit I decided to return to the subject.
I might be repeating some things that I already said, but I’m not really sure about it.
In some of the emails I get the sex subject comes up, some guys are already passed that stage and some are only in the beginning.
Talking to guys that haven't had sex with a guy yet, or just have had it once or twice brought me back to my beginning.
I have talked about the first time I had sex with a guy and about some of my memories from meeting guys online, but today I'm trying to look at it from a different angle.
I remember saying in my earlier posts that besides my first time, I met a couple of guys online and we had sex, I mentioned that trouble wasn't a good enough word to describe how I felt.
When I look back, I’m pretty sure that they guys I met up with are guys that reflected on the way I felt about myself back then, and that’s not too good.
I guess that while I was having a problem accepting myself and being gay, it translated to feeling pretty bad about myself and there for most of the guys I met at that time fitted that feeling.
Even though it sounds shallow to say, the way those guys looked from the outside was the same as I was feeling inside. I remember that also the vacations I took after I just came out were more or less the same.
Of course like all of us, I was just a horny young guy that was looking to have fun and to satisfy himself.
I can honestly remember that in those days the guys I had sex with were OK, not something that if you had asked my in advance I would tell you that there is a chance I would have sex with.
Again, it wasn’t that they were ugly or something, but I just knew and also know now that I could do much better and find someone that would match my desire and would also feel the same way about me.
When I write this it brings up the question, did I think I wasn’t gay or it wasn’t for me? Well, I always knew through that time that I was gay, I just wasn’t able to enjoy it and I was just feeling nothing but horny and no special feeling afterward also.
I think that in that stage I just shut myself to the outside, I went through the motions and had sex, but honestly I can say that I barely felt anything.
I guess my mental side ,my thinking and my inner feelings can block any physical feeling no matter where or when.
After the first year or two of having sex with guys that don’t exactly fit my life dream a couple of things started to change.
First of all I started accepting myself and feeling much better with myself and about myself.
Secondly I came to the decision that the only sex I’m going to have is if I met someone I really like and really feel that I can have fun and it’s someone I would really like to be with.
Of course I could allow myself this cause I had a better inner picture of myself and felt much better about everything, from that point I can honestly say that the last couple of years I acted on my “decision” and really stuck to my feelings.
I met some amazing guys that I really liked, guys that I could talk to, go eat with and enjoy myself besides the obvious sex that followed.
Of course there might have been a single time that I might have settled, but like everyone else, I’m just human.
I guess that being different and being gay is a process that needs to be accepted and until it is it influences everything else in our lives.
I can’t say that I accepted it totally and I have no more troubles or questions that come to my mind, but I can say that I have come a long way, and it can be felt in all sides of life, including sex.
This song looks perfect for this post, of course in the bigger meaning of things…
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...
Hope everyone is enjoying the playoffs, I'm waiting for game 3 tonight between the Celtics and Cavs, hope it will be interesting.
Anyway, I usually don't talk too much about my sex life , or lack of it, but after a couple of emails that made me think about it a little bit I decided to return to the subject.
I might be repeating some things that I already said, but I’m not really sure about it.
In some of the emails I get the sex subject comes up, some guys are already passed that stage and some are only in the beginning.
Talking to guys that haven't had sex with a guy yet, or just have had it once or twice brought me back to my beginning.
I have talked about the first time I had sex with a guy and about some of my memories from meeting guys online, but today I'm trying to look at it from a different angle.
I remember saying in my earlier posts that besides my first time, I met a couple of guys online and we had sex, I mentioned that trouble wasn't a good enough word to describe how I felt.
When I look back, I’m pretty sure that they guys I met up with are guys that reflected on the way I felt about myself back then, and that’s not too good.
I guess that while I was having a problem accepting myself and being gay, it translated to feeling pretty bad about myself and there for most of the guys I met at that time fitted that feeling.
Even though it sounds shallow to say, the way those guys looked from the outside was the same as I was feeling inside. I remember that also the vacations I took after I just came out were more or less the same.
Of course like all of us, I was just a horny young guy that was looking to have fun and to satisfy himself.
I can honestly remember that in those days the guys I had sex with were OK, not something that if you had asked my in advance I would tell you that there is a chance I would have sex with.
Again, it wasn’t that they were ugly or something, but I just knew and also know now that I could do much better and find someone that would match my desire and would also feel the same way about me.
When I write this it brings up the question, did I think I wasn’t gay or it wasn’t for me? Well, I always knew through that time that I was gay, I just wasn’t able to enjoy it and I was just feeling nothing but horny and no special feeling afterward also.
I think that in that stage I just shut myself to the outside, I went through the motions and had sex, but honestly I can say that I barely felt anything.
I guess my mental side ,my thinking and my inner feelings can block any physical feeling no matter where or when.
After the first year or two of having sex with guys that don’t exactly fit my life dream a couple of things started to change.
First of all I started accepting myself and feeling much better with myself and about myself.
Secondly I came to the decision that the only sex I’m going to have is if I met someone I really like and really feel that I can have fun and it’s someone I would really like to be with.
Of course I could allow myself this cause I had a better inner picture of myself and felt much better about everything, from that point I can honestly say that the last couple of years I acted on my “decision” and really stuck to my feelings.
I met some amazing guys that I really liked, guys that I could talk to, go eat with and enjoy myself besides the obvious sex that followed.
Of course there might have been a single time that I might have settled, but like everyone else, I’m just human.
I guess that being different and being gay is a process that needs to be accepted and until it is it influences everything else in our lives.
I can’t say that I accepted it totally and I have no more troubles or questions that come to my mind, but I can say that I have come a long way, and it can be felt in all sides of life, including sex.
This song looks perfect for this post, of course in the bigger meaning of things…
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...
Monday, May 3, 2010
All Year Long
Hey,
Another week has started, nothing dramatic has been going on, except maybe the car bomb that was found in times square, pretty scary in my opinion.
Life has been moving on, and so is the summer, that's getting closer, like i said before, we all finish around the same time as the NBA, give or take a couple of days.
Lately I have been thinking about my life during the season, thinking that maybe I have been putting too much weight on the summer vacation.
I mean it's my only time to live as a gay man and enjoy things that I want to enjoy all year long but can't.
I can't help thinking that maybe I should do things differently, I mean during the season I'm the type that focuses only on basketball and puts aside my personal life.
I'm sure that I need to focus on basketball, but I'm starting to think that maybe I'm missing out on a lot of things, not everything in my personal life has to be about guys or dating or whatever.
I think I have reached a point that I'm thinking that if I don't get a chance to live my life as a gay man I might as well just focus on basketball and wait until I start my after life.
Sometimes I feel like I don't know exactly what to and how to do things differently, I have reached the point of just working hard, finishing practice and coming home to eat, watch TV, read, ps3 or whatever, but just as long as it's at my apartment.
A lot of times I feel like going out just means time I don't have at home with myself, with my hobbies or what ever I want to do.
I don't know if it relates to basketball, cause I think that in good and bad times I act pretty much the same way. Guess it's something I have to think of and try maybe to do differently.
In a certain point it brings me back to the notion of not really feeling that I have true friends, cause I feel they don't know the real me, so it's not even worth trying.
Of course that I'm excited and waiting for my vacation and my other personality to come out, but I think I can and need to do better than just going out for 10-12 days a year.
Again, only in the last couple of days I started to acknowledge that maybe I'm not living my life on a regular base because I didn't see or think of another option besides living my gay life.
I know that it's easier said then done, and maybe I need to start doing things that I might not be used to, and maybe try things that scare me in the beginning or make me feel uncomfortable, but just to go out more and try to find things that I can enjoy and still keep my secret to myself.
Staying in the closet is a major sacrifice, something that I know and want to do, but maybe sometimes I feel too much like a victim of the world.
Maybe I have self pity and I try to be the gay victim, because I'm living a secret so that also means I need to feel bad and ask for sympathy.
Guess I should also start thinking that I'm in a good situation, doing something I love, and while Sacrificing something else, I'm still lucky and successful and not look for sympathy and not be feeling sorry for myself or feeling bad with myself.
Again, I know that this are things that take a lot of time to do, to accept and to change, but maybe realizing it is a step in the right direction for me.
Heard this song lately, it's really touching...
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
P.S - I guess my playoff picks suck, but I don't think I'm the only one :)
Another week has started, nothing dramatic has been going on, except maybe the car bomb that was found in times square, pretty scary in my opinion.
Life has been moving on, and so is the summer, that's getting closer, like i said before, we all finish around the same time as the NBA, give or take a couple of days.
Lately I have been thinking about my life during the season, thinking that maybe I have been putting too much weight on the summer vacation.
I mean it's my only time to live as a gay man and enjoy things that I want to enjoy all year long but can't.
I can't help thinking that maybe I should do things differently, I mean during the season I'm the type that focuses only on basketball and puts aside my personal life.
I'm sure that I need to focus on basketball, but I'm starting to think that maybe I'm missing out on a lot of things, not everything in my personal life has to be about guys or dating or whatever.
I think I have reached a point that I'm thinking that if I don't get a chance to live my life as a gay man I might as well just focus on basketball and wait until I start my after life.
Sometimes I feel like I don't know exactly what to and how to do things differently, I have reached the point of just working hard, finishing practice and coming home to eat, watch TV, read, ps3 or whatever, but just as long as it's at my apartment.
A lot of times I feel like going out just means time I don't have at home with myself, with my hobbies or what ever I want to do.
I don't know if it relates to basketball, cause I think that in good and bad times I act pretty much the same way. Guess it's something I have to think of and try maybe to do differently.
In a certain point it brings me back to the notion of not really feeling that I have true friends, cause I feel they don't know the real me, so it's not even worth trying.
Of course that I'm excited and waiting for my vacation and my other personality to come out, but I think I can and need to do better than just going out for 10-12 days a year.
Again, only in the last couple of days I started to acknowledge that maybe I'm not living my life on a regular base because I didn't see or think of another option besides living my gay life.
I know that it's easier said then done, and maybe I need to start doing things that I might not be used to, and maybe try things that scare me in the beginning or make me feel uncomfortable, but just to go out more and try to find things that I can enjoy and still keep my secret to myself.
Staying in the closet is a major sacrifice, something that I know and want to do, but maybe sometimes I feel too much like a victim of the world.
Maybe I have self pity and I try to be the gay victim, because I'm living a secret so that also means I need to feel bad and ask for sympathy.
Guess I should also start thinking that I'm in a good situation, doing something I love, and while Sacrificing something else, I'm still lucky and successful and not look for sympathy and not be feeling sorry for myself or feeling bad with myself.
Again, I know that this are things that take a lot of time to do, to accept and to change, but maybe realizing it is a step in the right direction for me.
Heard this song lately, it's really touching...
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
P.S - I guess my playoff picks suck, but I don't think I'm the only one :)
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