Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Meaning Of Life

Hey again, feeling like I have a lot to share lately, so I'm just going for it.

The title seems real serious and a major issue, I don't know what will come of it, didn't give it much thought before, guess you will find out together with me as this post goes on.

Sometimes when I have some free time to sit down and think, I have serious thoughts, not always, but today was one of them. The first thing that came to mind is that we all get one chance in life.

I'm not religious and don't believe in anything special , but the fact is that we only get one go at it down here, what happens after? no one knows.

That fact is connected to my secret, even though I believe that it connects to everyone, all of us have a short amount of time to do what ever we decided to do with our life, I was thinking that maybe tomorrow morning I will just wake up and do what ever I want.

Go out and hit on guys, have sex with the first guy i see, go out and party all night, stop carrying what people say or think, if they love me or not, stop been nice because i have to.

Got to Stop lying to people because I got to, stop looking for peoples affection and love and stop giving a fuck what anyone thinks.

When I Think rationally I think all of us want to be appreciated and loved, I don't think it's something we control, I think it's something that controls us, all of us after all want to feel good about ourselves and to be wanted.

I mean maybe just to stop living in the bounders and the norms that society and other people expect from me and from us, do what I want when I want and as often as I want. If people won't like it, it's their problem not mine.

Hack, we are all going to die in the end, do I want to go through life with a secret? not telling anyone and not doing anything with it just to please others and just to be liked or accepted?.

I also remember that when I was just starting to deal with been gay I looked for love first from others because I was still homophobic and couldn't find it inside me so I looked out.

Though with time I think I improved in that area deeply,but still got ways to go, I can only say the following : " If you don't love yourself how can you expect others to do it?"

So when I wrote the meaning of life, I don't know if it means just living life to the fullest and just do whatever we want, or does it mean that my life meaning is playing basketball to the best of my ability until it's time to move on. Then when times come to live my life, or is it years wasted hiding the real me.

Then comes the part when I bounce back to reality and understand that the sacrifices I'm making every day gives me the best answer to which path is the one I'm following.

That my life meaning for now is playing basketball and trying to reach as far as I can, and once that part is over my meaning will change and I will move on to other things.

All in all i can just say that there are days that I'm jealous and I admire those who just don't give a damn about anything and do what ever they want and feel.

At other times I'm happy that at least I'm doing something that makes me happy and feel good with myself. Even if means other things have to wait,

Well, in some odd way I can say that it doesn't really matter what I think, it matters what I do, and last time I checked it was bball....

In a perfect world I could do both, but sadly enough last time I opened the window nothing was perfect...

Guess that's it for now, enjoy the last day of your weekend....Unless anyone has a boyfriend to offer me :)

P.S - My blog reading career is at it's prime, I'm just not stopping. HB9 I would be happy to get the link to your old blog, In an email or what ever works for you, if you don't mind of course.....

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Just A Cute Guy

Hey Again

Nothing special or really life changing on my mind, just a thought that came to my head today,as it has been quite a lot lately.

Just drove around today, as I do every day and every week just like all of us. Standing in the traffic light, saw a really cute and good looking guy waiting to cross the street with his boyfriend or just a friend.

Didn't exactly get out of the car and ask him, but it was obvious. Anyway that really cute guy got me thinking. Guess like a lot of Gays in the closet that are sex deprived, I find myself limited to taking glimpse of hot guys when I get the chance.

The strongest feeling I get after I see a cute guy with his partner, gay or straight is loneliness, Don't know what it brings others to feel, but seeing people that get the chance to experience life as a couple is hard for me to see.

Guess it basically makes me jealous, really jealous, no one wants to be after the age of 20 and with no real relationships, sure sex is fun, specially when it doesn't happen all to much.

Though I can't say that sex is what's on my mind, I really think it's just having someone to be with and share my life with, from sex to eating together, to just spending time with each other

I guess it's a conversation for another time, how I see my life down the road. Still having a lot of years of basketball to go, I can't really guess or imagine what the future will bring in this department, only time will tell.

Wow, this post turned out more serious then I first expected, usually when I sit down and write I usually know more or less where things will go and what to write, this time it just came out on it's own.

On another note I got to say that the blogging world I found is just crazy, and I mean that in a good way, I'm trying to read a new blog every other day, or when time allows it.

I started out with two and I'm just trying to read as many as I can, enjoying reading blogs of people who follow mine or just anything that seems interesting,

Have only warm words for all those blogging and trying to tell the story that is their life story, I hope that it gives others a good feeling, just like I get from mine.

Have a great weekend....

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

My First Time

Hey Again

First of all thanks to all those who commented on the last post, enjoyed reading everyone's opinion, guess that all of us are a little crazy when it comes to sport.

Basketball wise everything is fine, still working hard and enjoying myself, sometimes I would be happy if I could give you more details but unfortunately it's not really an option at this point of time.

Anyway I wanted to talk about the first guy I ever slept with, or for that matter the first time I did anything that has to do with the gay guy who lives among me.

I was on vacation with a couple of friends, just like always, we used to travel a couple of us to different places all the time. This time we were all in a big city and shared a hotel together.

On one of the nights, after a long day of traveling everyone was pretty tired, including me, but I decided to go out. Basically waited for everyone to go to bed and decided to leave without telling anyone. In my head I said to myself that if anyone will ask Ii will just say I went out for a little walk or a drink.

I ended up near a couple of gay bars, and this is where I picked up the habit of walking around for 3o minutes before I go in to any gay bar or pub. Not like future times, this time I was more nervous than anytime I can remember myself.

The minute I got in to the bar I literally started drinking , I like to drink in social events just like the next guy, but this was different. I was in panic, after a couple of drinks i got more comfortable and stopped thinking about running out the door.

There was no chance that I would go up to a guy and start talking to him, that was just too much at that point .After about 20 minutes a cute guy came up to me and started talking to me, he wasn't really the one I imagined would be my type.

Since I never did anything or talked to anyone the only thing I had was my imagination and I gave it a chance. Anyway this guy was also a tourist and was really cute, after some time we decided to head back to his hotel.

I was nervous and actually told him it was my first time, he was real cute about it, said we can just cuddle or do what ever i felt like, after we got to the room we talked, watched TV and I was feeling better as time went by.

Later in the night I felt really comfortable and we started kissing, just like everything that happened that night, that was also a first for me, at least with a guy. It was pretty cool and different then anything I could think of, one thing lead to another and we ended up sleeping together, after that I even spent the night.

Towards the morning both of us felt like it was time to part ways, he was in a hurry and I was ready to go back to my hotel. The way to my hotel included some walking and a short bus trip.

The strongest memory I have of the way back is that I had the feeling that everyone was looking at me and looking at me differently. There was hundreds and thousands of people in the street but i felt like everyone was looking at me.

The only rational explanation I have for that is that in some part I felt I did something wrong or bad or what ever you want to call it and everybody in the street knew about it.

Like I said before until I didn't accept myself and who I was I guess I felt like no one else should And that's why I felt everyone was looking.

Since then I don't feel the need to get drunk the minute I enter a bar and I feel better and more relaxed while going out. Can only say that it's due to more experience and to accepting myself and feeling different as time went by and still is.

I kept in touch with the guy for a short period and like every one night thing as time went by so did that short connection we had.

Looking back I can say for sure that the experience that brought me to tell my parents was much much stronger then the first time i met a guy, go figure.....

Saturday, January 23, 2010

On A lighter Note

Hey again

After the last post that talked about me coming out and was serious, i thought it's time to talk about something that is a little lighter and something funny,at least in my opinion.

I had a talk with a friend yesterday and he gave me the idea for this post.

All of us are also sports fans, we all know how much work goes in to a successful team. How teams practice almost 7 days a week and sometimes twice a day, in football,baseball or basketball.

How in the case of basketball we have 40 minutes a game that we need to give it all, run the plays, the defense and everything we worked on the whole week.

But there is something important we all forget and that's superstitions , how every fan has his favorite shirt, pants, hat or something he has to do in order for his team to win,

Also fans on teams I played on have the same ideas sometimes, if we lose a game they can say they forgot to wear what was needed or eat what they always do.

For me it's funny how all of us take such a great responsibility on the game,that we can change the result not by playing better or fighting more, but because a certain person in the crowd did or didn't wear his lucky shirt.

I love that thought, it gives fans a big feeling of been a part of the team and somehow been able to have a influence on the result, In my opinion the funniest thing is that almost every player has those superstition also.

Many players have to wear the same tights every game, the same socks, eat the same food, do the same warm up and so on and so on, i met many players that have weird and strange superstitions and I also have a couple.not weird,but just superstitions.

When I sit and try to think rationally it's just so strange, even the players that play on the court and have a big part of the result and the out come of the game still believe that the right shirt,right tights or right socks can influence the game more then another practice.

Maybe all of us want to have something to hold on to, more then just the work we put in or our believe in our ability, maybe to have something that can comfort us or give us confidence when things aren't going, that maybe if I did everything i usually do in the end things will work out.

I can just say that in this case it doesn't have anything to do with been gay,it's has everything to do with been a human being and just maybe trying to hold on to something bigger and better, but that's just my guess, would be happy to hear any other thoughts on the subject from anyone reading.

p.s - don't know about you, but I'm going with the Saints and Colts this week,hope u enjoy it......

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Coming Out To My Family - Part Two

Hey everyone, it's time to get to business and finish what I started.

I ended the last post by telling you that I had just got home from my vacation, and I came back with a clear thought in mind,coming out to my parents. Just to set the record straight (for one time only) i will tell you I have one brother in my family which is younger then me, but not by too many years.

So since I got back home I was trying to think how and when to do it and tell my parents, I was having thoughts 24/7 of what will be and what will change and how my life would be from there on out. I believe my thoughts were divided to two parts.

On the one side thinking rationally I believed that my parents love me and will accept me and who i am with no conditions and no second thoughts. On the other side, I heard like everyone else all the stories about kids being turned away by their parents for being gay,

I think the my biggest fear was that if I was barely accepting myself as a gay person, how can i expect my parents to do so. I had the worst thoughts and it was just a lot of nervous and tension building up towards "the moment of truth".

The D day came and i decided to tell my parents when they get back from work, I told them that I needed to talk to them about something when they get home, now usually I don't have those kinds of requests, so I guess they already knew it was something important.

I was nervous as hell while i waited for them to get home, when they finally did we sat down and I started talking,
I could barely finish a couple of sentences, i was getting really emotional (trying not to say I was crying) but I told them that it's something that I didn't chose and that is the reality of my life and some more things along that line that i don't really remember.

My parents were A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, they said that they don't care, that they just want me to be happy and that they love me no matter what or who I am. I know it sounds too simple or too easy, but that was the case, I was all emotional and they were just trying 2 reassure me that they love me no matter what and just tried to give me a good feeling.

All my worries and all the bad and "scary" thoughts I had disappeared in a second and it was like I just got rid of some extra pounds that were sitting on my shoulders.

Later in the week i told my brother,but that wasn't to difficult since I already told my parents which was the most important and scary part for me,

I think that me not fully accepting myself was reflecting on the thoughts I had towards my parents, cause when you don't accept yourself and feel different and not just as "normal" as everyone else you can't expect the others to do so. For sometime after I think I was still not sure if my parents really felt the same way they reacted or they just tried to make me feel better, but not long after I just knew that it was true.

Since then the subject doesn't come up to much, just because it's something that is natural, just as if i were straight. I feel that I can tell them anything I feel like, and if they hear anything interesting or worth mentioning on the subject they feel free to tell me also,

Looking back now I think that mom's usually can sense or at least think in that direction, lets call it a mother's intuition, I also think not having a steady girlfriend probably give them ideas, even though I'm pretty sure they didn't know until I told them.

As for my brother, we get along great and i feel free to tell him when I'm having a bad time or just when there is something interesting or funny on the subject, he has been amazing and it's plenty of fun.

All in all I have to say that the coming out part went much better then I could ever think, I did think at some point that If I would have told them a few years back maybe it would have saved me a couple years of worrying, but I really believe it's something that needs to happen just when a person, in this case me, feels ready for it, so I guess that was the time.

Unfortunately i know that parents don't always react that way and until this day anytime I read or hear of anything like that it gives me a real bad feeling.

I can sum it all up by just saying that I appreciate my family and I'm happy that they are the one's I call my parents, and of course i won't leave out my younger brother which is also OK...hahaha

Guess that's it for this subject, I will always look back at a smile at that trip and those two guys I met that brought me to tell my Family.

I appreciate the emails and the comments and you can feel free to ask or wonder when ever you feel like it.....

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Coming Out To my Family - Part One

Well hey again,

Guess this subject doesn't need too much introduction. After a few posts and a couple of questions I decided just to put this part behind me and tell you my situation, this is the first half of it.

When I was in the beginning of my 20's more or less,not to long ago, I went on vacation with a couple of good friends,couple of straight friends.

We had a great couple of days and nights,going out and all the usual things, on the last night I decided I want to try to go out to a gay club. It was basically around the second time i was about to find myself in one. I told my friends that I had met a girl during the trip and that we would be going out, basically they went out and left me to get ready for my "date".

After looking for places to go on the internet, i decided to go to a club who got some good reviews, can't remember the name or anything,just remember I walked for about 30 min up and down, left and right in the area of the club before I could even think of going in.

Finally I decided I would, I went in and I guess it was still early cause they weren't too many people there, but later on more people came in and the place was packed. I also liked the music so I was managing all in all, better then the first time i went to a gay club, but that's a story for another time.

Any how, some guys tried to hit on me and start a conversation, but I was a little nervous and also I'm usually more drawn to guys I start the conversation with, rather then the other way around.

Towards the end of the night, when i was getting the feeling that nothing interesting is going 2 come out of this night. I was about to leave I started talking to a cute guy at the bar,and he had even a cuter friend with him. He was exactly my type, we started talking all three of us, drinking and just having fun, before i noticed it was 4 am and not too far from our flight back home.

All three of us left together, chatted a little more, kissed goodbye and went on our separate ways. I was feeling just great, pure joy. It was funny since i always thought the "life changing" experience would come after something involving sex, falling in love, but not from just meeting guys.

I really had fun with and just felt I was my own real self for the first time and it really did something to me.
I got back to the hotel, packed my things, smiled to my friends as we all caught the flight, must say I slept like a baby the whole way.

Once i got home, The idea of telling my parents started to run in my head.

Guess that's all for now....

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Between Winning and losing

Hey Again

It's been a nice weekend,got another W last Thursday and I have been in good shape lately.Always a good way to enjoy the weekend,sitting at home and smiling at a job well done. As time goes by I'm always reminded that basketball is just like life,you can find yourself at the bottom real fast,which just means we need to take it a day at a time,or in my case,each game is a whole new beginning.

The truth is that when I began writing this blog I wasn't sure how I'm going to feel about everything,but I really am happy I did. Besides letting some stem out I also found a new world ,the world of the blogger.

I have had the chance to follow Mikey the hockey kid blog,and can only say I'm really impressed with the way he shares his life and the courage he has at his age. I also read john's blog,the semi closet dude,and it's really interesting and really authentic,hats off to both of them.

I also appreciate the emails and the comments,i must say that even though i chose to put one side of my life on hold I'm still happy I'm this fortunate. Having the chance to be playing bball and making a living out of it,it's just pure joy. Not saying I wouldn't be a lot happier to also have a chance to meet guys and stare at hot guys on the street or just start a conversation,but i guess we can't have it all.

On another subject,A book i read some time ago came to my mind last night,The man in the middle,John Amaechi's book, Must say I read it in just a few short days,it's always good to hear of more gay athletes. Since reading the book I really lost any respect I had to some of the characters in the book and some that made comments following it. It's so appropriate that the book is sitting in my closet,so any friends coming to visit won't see it. Would be happy 2 hear of any interesting books that someone has read and he recommends.

I also saw the movie Latter Days,I tend to get a little emotional in those kinds of movies.Besides the really cute guys i felt the story was heartwarming and also was happy they had a happy ending. I think it just really brings up my feelings and my wishes and that's why it was easy for me to relate to it.
Saw some other gay movies,but none of them moved me to much,that putting "Milk" aside.

I think i will call it a day and go watch the last quarter of the Jets and Chargers,after the Vikings Killed the Cowboys it's nice to see a tight game

have a good one.....

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Thougts On A Rugby Player Coming Out

It’s been on my mind for the last couple of weeks, since I heard and read the interview with Gareth Thomas ,the welsh rugby player that came out publicly not so long ago. The act itself brings up so many questions and so many thoughts. I don’t follow rugby, but I think this interview spoke loud and clear and can be attached to any sport we chose.

First of all, like I wrote on my last post, there is a big unanswered question or a question that people prefer to not discuses and that’s how come we hear of almost no gay men in pro sports.

Even Thomas in his interview talks about him not knowing any other players who are gay when statistically it’s just not possible. It’s sad that the issue is still so freighting and so scaring that no one wants to make that step. Just like my own thoughts, Thomas also mentions that he could never have come out while trying to establish a career for himself because then he might have lost the thing he loves more than anything, rugby.

I share those feelings, I can’t point out one specific “scary” part in the whole story that the fears are based on. If it’s being worried that teammates will look at you differently, that teams won’t want to sign you, or that the fans and the people around will just make it hard on you every game and everywhere. Unfortunately, a lot of the sports fans are also homophobic just like some of the players they idolize.

Farther more, just like I wrote in my last post and it’s the impression I get from Thomas, the thing is that no one wants to be the one to carry the torch or the “Burden” of representing the gay community -- to be looked at first of all as gay and not as a rugby/basketball/football player. Of course, all of us wished things would be different and the matter won’t be in issue, but for now it is still is and a major one.

Some of Thomas’ things hit a soft spot for me also, Thinking about what other people/players will think, Making up stories about sexual conquests to fit in, but feeling alone cause you aren’t who you truly are, but just “playing a game” and not only on the field or court.

Also talking about the difference between knowing you’re gay and accepting it, I have to guess that this is a stage that most gay guys go through, either in sports or not, but I’m sure the environment of sports doesn’t help the acceptance part, but only makes it more difficult.

I must say that it was hard for me to read him talking about going out to a cliff overlooking the beach and ending it all. I must admit that I didn’t get to that situation or that kind of feeling through my career, but it’s really hard to grasp how been gay with the addition of been a sports figure/athlete makes life so difficult so many times and brings people to bad and dark places.

I admire Thomas’ will to try to use this to help any young teenagers that do have a passion both for sports and for the same sex partners. To try to make them see that it’s possible to be gay and be a successful player, and indeed he was successful.

From my point of view, I wish I could help more and I wish that more gay athletes would be able to come out. but I know, hear and read about the price and the toll that all of us will need to pay. Unfortunately it’s just too much at this point. All of us want to be successful. All of us want to know that we give the thing we love so much all we had, from the day we picked up the ball to the day we called it quits. The thought of coming out and maybe having it change the career we worked so hard for it’s just too much to handle, at least for me ,and at least at this point.

For closure I hope that Thomas’ wish of sexuality not been an issue in sports in ten years will come true, unfortunately, I doubt it, but I will always hope, and hope is the best tool I can think of to cope with the situation for now. After watching ” Milk” last year and seeing what a long way gay rights and the gay community has come, I just hope that the change will continue everywhere and in all fields of life, and one day will also reach sports…

Guess that’s all for today…..

Monday, January 11, 2010

Another "Satisfying" Win

Hey Again

it’s been a long time since my last post, around a day :), but since I’m just starting I will try to write more in the beginning.

Came back from a game not long ago, we played at home and played well, adding another W next to our name in the standings. Happily enough I had a good game which left me in a good mood as the game came to an end.Nothing like coming home after a win, the adrenaline is through the roof and I feel like I can play all over again, after a loss, that’s a different story, the adrenaline is there, but the mind hurts.

Like everyone else, I have known my share of wins and losses, and I like everyone else I take it to heart.I must admit that with time I found out that I don’t always feel better after wins, sometimes after a great game the first thing I want to do and I guess other players also is to be with someone I can share it with, someone I can tell everything about the game to, a special someone that we can go home together. For now i just end up by myself at home with those thoughts and wishes.

As you can guess from the things I wrote, I don’t have a boyfriend, partner or whatever you would like to name it. I’m very discreet ,I do like to go out, but I go with my teammates that are straight and we go to bars and pubs which of course aren’t gay friendly or have a gay crowd.Been out with other players is not exactly a time to start looking to meet guys. Basically I put my love life on the side during the bball season, which is not always fun or easy, but I love basketball so much that I can’t think of living without it.

I’m not keen on online dating or cruising either, Since I never know who is on the other side of the computer, I’m always scared that someone might recognize me, sometimes it can happen,even though the odds are small, but most of the time it’s the paranoia speaking, but I mixed those two together a long time ago.

Of course none of my teammates know that I’m gay, in basketball there is a big transition of players, teams and so on, so if I go to a new place I get a fresh start and no one wonders about my personal life, if I do stay in the same place then usually most of the players that come in are new which basically helps me out. If the question does come up I make up a story about just breaking up from my girl, or things of the sort.

Regarding my teammates, well I don’t know how they would accept it if they knew, I can tell you that they are a great bunch of guys but in a macho sport like this a lot of them are homophobic. I must say the talk in the locker room, the frequent use of “faggot” and similar words which don't exactly show my teammates soft side doesn’t hurt or insult’s just something that has become a natural thing, sometimes it makes me think if they really are homophobic or just trying to blend in, either way i can't really change it.

Finally, I’m sure that everyone most say to himself where are all the gay jocks, if research shows that for every ten or fifteen guys in the world one is gay then where did all of them disappear to in sports?.

My logic is that no one wants to carry the torch or wants to be the one that has to deal with all the noise, questions and problems that will come from making that huge step, you can see that a lot of the jocks that come out in team sports do it after they retire or close to it, but not in the peak of their career, this subject can be talked about a lot and I will also try to talk more about how I see it.

Well until the next time,

P.S : My email is, feel free...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Getting Started

Hey everyone:

Making my first steps as a blog writer, as u could of guessed from
the title of the blog I deal with basketball. I’m a pro basketball
player and a gay guy at the same time, something which people don’t
easily accept in our world.

After many years in this business and many years of putting one
side of my life on hold, I decided that the least I can do for
myself and others is to share a little of what I’m going through
since it doesn’t look like I’m going to be coming out any time soon.

I’m mostly doing it to hear from other people who go through
similar things or to help those in doubt of what to do in a
familiar situation.While not playing in the NBA,I'm lucky enough to
have a successful career overseas.The basketball buzz here Is
quite big,a lot of games on TV, shows and discussions.

Can’t say it’s not fun been recognized and having a packed crowd
yelling your name and cheering for your every move (of course as
long as u don’t miss a shot, travel, or get scored on), being asked
for your signature after games or having kids want to take pictures
with you.

Of course the questions of having a girlfriend or if girls try to
hook up with a bball player always comes up, and it’s always hard
and tiring to find new stories, But at least I can continue and
develop my imagination every time I’m asked, Since I can’t exactly
ask every girl that stops to talk to me if her brother happens to be
cute and good looking.

Schedule wise, everything revolves around the basketball.
Like most teams I played on and heard of, we practice around 7
times a week as a team, we also lift a couple of times as a team.
Of course the most interesting part of the week, is the games,
something me and every basketball player just waits for, through
most of the year we have a busy schedule so basically there is
no time left for too many things.

Well, I guess it wouldn’t be a shock if I tell u that it’s time for
practice. Until the next time.

P.S : My email is, feel free….