Lonely

Hey, Two posts in three days, look at me go :).

Anyways I have a couple of minutes before leaving for practice so just wanted to share what's on my mind.

Like everyone I have better days than others, when I'm feeling happy and content and don't really feel like anything is bothering me or in my way.
However there are days and times when being lonely hits me. The last couple of days its been like this.

This is the best place for me to share it, since you "know" my story, anyway I have those times when I feel really alone and I start thinking of others things besides basketball, or better yet, only things outside of basketball.

Like every year I'm waiting for my vacation that is around the corner, around two months more or less before I can go have fun again.

The last week, I have just been feeling empty, not doing anything the whole day, just going to the gym twice a day, do my routine, work out hard, enjoy practice and go back to my four walls and my lonely home.

This is the time that I really want someone with me, badly, not talking about sex of course, but something more meaningful than that, someone to live with, to laugh with, someone to have a family with when the time comes. Even now that It's still too early for kids, I find myself thinking about kids a lot, about a family and about a different life.

I'm sharing this because you are my friends, even if not friends that know how I look or who I am on the outside all of you more or less already know me on the inside. I'm really not looking for people to tell me that maybe I should rethink my choices in life, because i'm not going to be leaving basketball any time soon, but just to share a little bit.

I hope somehow to meet someone while playing, this is difficult, but I'm still hoping maybe a miracle can happen. It's funny, I have so many friends on facebook, most of them of course are basketball fans, whom I don't really know, some of them also really hot, but you know, I can't really go up to them on facebook and ask them out on a date.

First of all I don't know if they are gay, secondly, well you already know what's the second problem. I also see on facebook a lot of gay guys from the states, people I would really like to try to talk to, but I can't really do that, and if I try opening a fake account.

I mean no picture or anything, I cant exactly open a conversation or make new friends without them knowing how I look like, I mean it's the starting point to a friendship or anything usually, not fun to hear, but that's the truth.

Guess that's more or less what I wanted to say and was on my heart, enjoy Sunday and enjoy your family :)

Kobe's Slur

First of all, sorry for not writing for the last two weeks, just been busy times, a lot of games as we head to the last part of the season.

Before I start writing about Kobe, just want to talk about a couple of things that people commented on from my last post. As Cash wrote, I do believe that some of the players will talk differently when in a one on one situation, rather than being together with the rest of the team in the locker room.

Some of them are intelligent guys who I guess don't want to feel like they are not part of the group or not joining the bandwagon. Having said that there are also some players, just like some people, that are just homophobic and scared of the thought or the idea that they might know anyone who is gay.

When we talked, some players also said that they would look differently at their friends of they knew they were gay, even if they were lifelong friends.

I enjoyed reading and hearing what Sr. Charles (Barkley) said ( thanks to Robert), that was really nice to read about him supporting gay marriage and having a lot of gay friends, it was surprising and heartwarming at the same time, guess there was a reason I always respected him.

As for "Joe in Philly", If all the people that said things like that wouldn't be able to reproduce, we won't have many kids around, unfortunately I feel like making gay slurs or comments is a thing of society, and while on the one hand people are more cautious, a lot feel like it's a trendy thing and feel like "one of the guys" when they make comments like that.

Now for Kobe, I have no doubt that he is one of the greatest that ever played the game and I think everyone would agree with me, as for his comment, I think it's not in place and I know it bothers a lot of people, but I think that sometimes not everything has to be made into an issue.

I'm sure that in the heat of the game a lot of things are being said, not all of them caught by the camera. I know from my experience that a lot of times players curse, ,most of the times those curses don't have anything to do with the gay community, but just other peoples mom or sister or so on and so on.

I guess everyone is much more sensitive when this issue comes up, of course the fine he got was more to show what the N.B.A thinks about what he said, because as we all know this is not something that will affect his bank account.

I don't think that making a big deal of every small thing that happens and is "directed" towards the gay community is a good idea, life a lot of time holds bad things in it, and players and people curse a lot and do it in different ways. No one would jump up if he would say mother fucker to the referee or something like that (pardon my language)

We have to be sensitive of course, but sometimes been over sensitive gets the wrong result and maybe shows a sign of weakens in a way, I understand where it comes from, since there are people with an agenda against the gay community. Guess what I’m saying is that we need to find the balance between what's really important and what is just part of life.

Before I wrap up, on a different note, there is the show White Collar, don't know if you watch it, but the star actor on there is called Matthew Bomer, and I must admit, he is just hot, the rumor is that he is gay, I can just say that it's another accomplishment for us the gays :). I started watching the show and just wanted to share.

Enjoy the N.B.A playoffs.

My Locker Room

Hey everyone, hope all is well.

Is everyone excited like me for the start of the MLB today? I'm taking a wild guess that the answer will be no.

In any case, I just witnessed something in our locker room around two-three weeks ago and I thought it was right to share it with everyone.

One of our teammates started talking about gay guys, after they mentioned that one of the NBA stars has to be go, because he runs like one and for that reason also there is no chance that his team will win a championship.

The conversation just got worse all the time, from talking about the fact that two guys kissing is disgusting, to just bad mouthing anything that has to do with being gay.

Later they moved to talking about what would happen if they had gay kids and how they would react. Some tried to explain that they won't not treat or love their kids any less, but at the same time said that they wouldn't allow their son and bf to come in to their house, which is a little like condoning your son for what he is, isn't it?

Some tried to explain that they wouldn't be able to love their kids the same if they were gay, almost everyone agreed that they wouldn't let their kid and bf kiss in their presence, while most said they won't allow them to come together to their house.

Others said that they would go to their son's house and meet his bf also. They also talked about how if they found out a friend of them was gay it would change everything, even if it would be a long time friend.

There was one or two players that tried to send just a little different, not too much, but they were a little more accepting and much less homophobic.
No need to say that I didn't take part in that conversion.

There was no need to raise suspicion and I also have no doubt that what they say and think is so off from what I feel and that there is no way I would change their mind, so better off just leaving like nothing happened.

I cant say that I felt great after all that talk, usually those things don't bother me too much, but that time it was a little different. Again, it doesn't make me change any thoughts or feelings that I had.

I'm not the least worried about those specific people/players, cause I have no doubt that besides one player there is no chance I would stay friends with any of my teammates after my career.

Just to make it clear, not because they are homophobic or not, but because I don't feel that I share too many things with them anyway, just a common goal of succeeding on the floor and bringing our team as much success as possible.

On another note, I'm waiting for the final four that is just around the corner, don't know about you, but i'm a Butler fan this weekend.

The Gay Arab World

Hey everyone,

Haven't written in the last week, just been busy a little bit and also I felt that my last four part story was enough to get my some time off. :)

Anyways, there is been a lot of talk recently about gay rights in the USA, about DADT, about DOMA and other issues that have a big effect on the gay community and on civil rights in general.

My question is different, while we know about the USA and the progress that is made, what do we really know about the gay world in Arab nations?

Is the fact that there seems to be a changing of guards, and that the people seemingly have been trying to bring down the dictators of the Arab world going to make a difference in human rights in general and gay rights in particular?

I know that in his visit to Columbia University, the Iranian president, Ahmedinejad was asked about gay population in Iran and he came back with a great answer: "we don't have any of those in Iran". There is no doubt that human rights in most if not all Arab countries is terrible and is decades away from the modern world that we know.

We know that people can be killed, stoned or jailed for being gay, yet we never really hear facts and really never know how much of a issue it is among the citizens and not the dictators.

I mean, of course my feeling and I think yours also is that the citizens also don't accept gay people and gay rights in those countries and that it's a struggle just to stay alive if you happen to be gay.

My thing is what will happen if the Arab world moves a little forward after all the political and leader change that is seemingly happening. Does that mean that gays will have a chance to live a normal life, will they ever be able to live in public or is the Arab world consumed in thoughts and ideas that won't change no matter what happens?

I know that I struggle with the fact that if people knew I was gay it could really damage my career. There are a lot of people that are afraid of being mocked, fired or condoned by friends and co workers, but did any of us ever think that being gay can just get us killed?

Not because some homophobic people decide to beat up a gay person or because of hate crimes, but because that's the way of life? Just because gay is something that isn't accepted by governments and leaders in most countries in the Arab world?

It's hard to accept that something I believe isn't even up to us, and I mean being gay or not, can get us killed, or just force us to live a lie 24/7 for our whole life.

Now I'm sure that some Arab countries are better than others and are a little more modern, but still the issue is so problematic and so untold, I guess we will just have to wait and see what the day brings as far as the political changes in the Arab world.

I remember that the president of the football world association asked gay couples not to behave in a manner that will hurt the people in Dubai come the world cup at 2020.

Since it's illegal to be gay in Qatar. It only leaves us to wonder what will happen in the next eight years, I'm sure a lot will, just hope it will be in the direction we all hope and pray for.

New Comers

Hey again, hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.

We have had a couple of new comers to the seen, one of them being Stevin Davies, the cricket player from england. I read about this story a week ago when it just got published, of course I and others always welcome gay athletes that decide to come out and face reality.

I read a lot of articles on Davies and a little of the English tabloids and their thoughts. You already know that I support any athlete that comes out and I always think its welcome, I do believe again that it's a much different story than the four major sport games in the world which are for the matter the NBA,NFL,MLB/NHL and Soccer.

One of the British writers talked about the welcome act of Davies, but also mentioned that unlike other British athletes who are more famous and have a much bigger international profile his case won't or isn't likely to cause a big echo. Mainly because of the fact that he is a much lower profiled athelete in a much less profiled sports, at least with the tolerance of people towards it.

I have to admit i'm no cricket fan and don't really know too much about the game, but I would think that it would be less homophobic. That it carries in general a different crowd that might be more tolerant or might just look at the game or the people that play it a little different.

Besides that we also have Anton Hysen,the soccer player that came out and announced that he is gay, and again, it's a great thing and it's always welcomed, but as for a story or for it being a major event? I have to say not really, at least not in my opinion.

As much as all of us want someone high profiled to come out and lead the charge of the gay man in sports, this is not really the address. I don't know anything about Anton, besides the facts, and while i'm not saying he is a great, good or average soccer player, we need to look at the facts, he is playing in the fourth division in Sweden.

That just means that its somewhat of a amateur league of the sort. I think that it might be compared to minor league baseball and I would rate it even lower than AA baseball. I don't want to come off as a asshole or someone that looks to put down people and the movement of gays in sports forward, but the truth is that that level of soccer is probably like I said before not even pro

Anton might be a great player, but in the level that he is today it doesn't really make a splash or any kind of story and I think that the reason he got headlines is because his dad used to be a footballer in the English league.

I have a friend that always says he doesn't want or need the mid level players to be the one coming out, but rather just one big named athlete to tell the world he is gay and it will start changing things. I hope he is right and I hope that the day a big player in one of the 4-5 sports I talked about comes forward, but for the meanwhile we will settle for the feel good stories and wait to see what the future holds in the gay sports.

Time Moves On

Hey again,

Well, i'm a couple of days after the last post which was one my longest and more serious posts I had, anyway just wanted to follow it up a little bit.

I mentioned this, but just shortly in one of the posts, after getting back home from my vacation and all this ordeal I was a mess for a couple of weeks.

It took me time to get over the jet lag and the nights were long and I wasn't in a friendly mood most of the days. I was feeling lonely and mostly disappointed, i'm not sure that the reason was that specific guy, of course in the beginning it was only because of him.

I was still hoping he would call or email or facebook me or whatever, I decided on my end not to try and reach him, but to wait and see if anything would happen, after a couple of days that I didn't hear from him I just decided to call it quits.

I mean I was still hoping, but I deleted him from my facebook, because to be honest, why would I want to see pictures of him and be reminded all the time.

I was in the same mood for a couple of weeks, at same point it moved from being about him to being about myself, I mean, I was always thinking about him, but also worrying about, as I mentioned, is it the kind of guys that I will always be attracted to?

I was thinking about a family and having a partner and kids and so on, a little early, but still was thinking about it and worrying about what will happen with the next guy I meet or have a crush on or decide I want to date.

It was a certain time that the feeling was like, if i'm going to attract someone who I know from the get go isn't going to be serious and only leave me chasing him and being frustrated so why should I even try it.

Maybe i'm just better of enjoy partying, having one night stands and moving on, but we both know that it's not something that I could do, or that I can see myself doing for longer than a couple of days.

All of us, or at least most of us want to find that special someone and that guy who will be there for a long time. So guess I will just have to figure out or work on the kind of guys I fall for, hopefully it can be done.

In those couple of weeks I was also really sensitive, would shed a tear from every stupid TV show that someone ends up kissing or in love.

A friend of mine recommended I watch Bear City, I did,its about a young guy falling for a older gay bear, I most say that it's not my kind of guys, I mean no disrespect but I don't get turned on by those kind of guys.

I don't think its a master piece or anything, and the sex scene weren't enjoyable for me, but I did get excited and I was happy when the young guy, who was actually cute, ended up getting the guy he wanted and chased the whole movie, so I guess it also had to do with my emotional situation at the time :).

Hope you enjoy your weekend.

A Special Trip - Part Four

Hey Again

Back to the story:

I waited for him to text or call me in the last day so we could meet up, I knew he had to work late so I was patient and waited, didn't want to hassle and call or text, since I was the last one checking what’s up for tonight.

The time passed on and he didn't call, I was in my hotel and I was waiting, not to mention that since I started meeting him every day I stopped going out to clubs and bars, something that usually doesn't happen to me during vacation, guess I really felt something in that situation.

The time continued to move on and I heard nothing, just saw him online on facebook, but said I won't send anything; I don't want anything to come off as a petty meeting or something of the sort.

I went to sleep with a bad feeling and a big disappointment and didn't know how I would get out of this one with my heart in place and my head ready for basketball workouts and getting ready and in shape.

I already got to the airport in the morning and I logged on to my facebook, a minute after I logged in there was a long message from him, he apologized for not calling and not meeting, he said that he got back home and just passed out, after two nights with very bad sleep, that’s something I can relate to of course.

I must say that the message helped me out, I felt better and in less pain over the entire situation. I even got him something small, but didn't get the chance to give it, so he said I could do it the next time I come and visit him.

Now when I look at things, some thoughts come to mind, was it even serious, could it ever be, since we don't even live in the same country, or even close for now. How does he feel, was it a more friendly thing then I think, even thought I don't think that all the kissing and all the nights together, even though it was just "sleep over's", but I do think It meant something, but I also am not to formalized with the code of behavior in our WORLD.

My biggest question for myself was, is and will be did I fall in love with him, or with the idea of meeting up after all those years and having a great time. The option of talking to someone about what I really do and what I live for and things of that nature, it was great, really great.

Not having to make up stories about what I do and just being the same guy I am on a regular base and basically just taking two aspects of my life and combining them together for almost the first time.

After getting back home and meeting with two people who I talk to about everything I came to most of the conclusions I mentioned in this story, and could only fully realize after this had happened.

I know nothing good will come from a guy like this, I mean maybe if someone wants to be his friend, but be involved with him? I know that he is a teaser, just like I mentioned and once he hooks you, he just plays with you, and that’s exactly what happened to me.

No real relationship has to have all the suffering of not knowing what’s going on and always having to chase the other guy up. Also sharing some emotions and not hearing back also says something, just as him making me chase him around all the communication centers: phones, email, facebook and so on.

We haven’t kept in touch since, his gift was given to a friend and I stopped talking to him all together, the truth is that since I met him I knew he was a tease, he would be in touch with me and then disappear for 4 months and then the same would happen. He would always get back to me a couple a weeks after I looked for him, when it wasn’t relevant any more.

I still wish that it wasn’t the case and it did hurt a lot in the beginning but I guess the only right thing for me was to move on.
It brings up a big question, if I’m noticing that this is the kind of guys I’m falling for, why continue? If each one will just continue to frustrate me, why should I go ahead with it, maybe it’s better not trying then ending up suffering badly every time after.

This is a story that was hard for me to share, it shows that I’m also vulnerable like a lot of other people and that doesn’t matter how much success or happiness you have in one aspect of your life, it doesn’t say anything about other aspects.

I still sometimes think was it him or was it the idea and the teasing that I just got hooked on so fast, I guess I will find out after my next relationship, if it will come.

I will close with the question that I believe people have been asking and will continue asking for ages: Why do we continue doing things that in the process hurt us so much, I enjoyed my time with him and seeing each other, but all the other hours the pain and suffering was not something I ever felt before, so I guess nothing in life is perfect.